The Dilemma(4)

‘On one condition,’ I said, aware of Mimi’s unblinking green eyes staring up at me. ‘You don’t tell anyone – not Josh, not Cleo, not any of your other friends, and especially not Aunt Izzy – that you’re coming home. I want it to be a surprise for everyone.’

‘I won’t say a word, I promise. Thanks, Dad, did I tell you you’re the best?’

There are quite a few surprises lined up for Livia today, but Marnie turning up at the party is going to be the best surprise of all.





Livia


A creak on the stairs wakes me. I stretch out my arm and find the space next to me empty.

‘Adam?’ I call softly, in case he’s in the bathroom. There’s no reply, and drawn by the warmth from where he lay, I roll onto his side of the bed and lie on my side, my head on his pillow. My hand slides automatically to my stomach, checking for tautness, glad that watching what I ate for the last week has paid off. Who am I kidding? I’ve been watching what I eat for the last six months. And exercising. And using way-too-expensive eye cream. All for the party tonight.

I lie for a moment, listening for the sound of rain drumming on the windows, like it did last Saturday, and the three Saturdays before that. But there’s only the sound of birds trilling and chirruping in the apple tree and I feel myself relaxing. It’s here. The day I’ve been waiting for, for so long, is finally here. And unbelievably, it isn’t raining.

I press harder on my stomach, squashing the thin layer of fat into the line of muscle. There are so many different emotions swirling inside me. I try to pull excitement and happiness from the mix but guilt overpowers everything else – guilt about the amount of money this party is costing, guilt about it being only for me when, if I’d waited a couple more years, it could have been for us, for our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. I did suggest it to Adam – at least, I think I did. In fact, I’m sure I did because I remember being secretly relieved when he refused to consider it.

I flip restlessly onto my back and stare at the ceiling. Is it really so bad that I want this party to be just for me? I seem to have developed a love–hate relationship with it recently. I might have always wanted it, planned for it, saved for it, but I’ll be glad when it’s over. It’s taken up too much space in my head, not only for the last six months, but for the last twenty years. What I hate most is that my need for this party came from my parents. If I’d been able to have the wedding they promised me, I wouldn’t have become obsessed with having my own special day.

I don’t want to think about them today of all days but I can’t help it. I haven’t seen them for over twenty years. They were always distant parents; I don’t remember ever having a meaningful conversation with my father and the closest I got to my mother was when she bought bridal magazines, and while we looked at the dresses and cakes and flower arrangements, she would tell me about the lavish wedding she and my father would give me. But when I became pregnant, not long after my seventeenth birthday, they refused to have anything more to do with me. And the lavish wedding became a hurried fifteen-minute ceremony in the local registry office, with only Adam’s family and our best friends, Jess and Nelson, as guests.

At the time I told myself it didn’t matter that I wasn’t having a big wedding. But it did, and I hated myself for caring so much. A few years later, one of the parents at Josh’s nursery invited us to her thirtieth birthday party and it had been amazing. Adam and I were only in our early twenties then and had very little money, so this party was from a different world. I was completely in awe and I promised myself that one day, I’d have a huge celebration for one of my birthdays.

When I was pregnant with Marnie and barely able to sleep because of the never-ending sickness, I’d lean against the counter in our tiny kitchenette, working out on the back of a bill how much I’d need to save each month to have a party like Chrissie’s. I’d already decided it would be for my fortieth, because it fell on a Saturday. Back then, I couldn’t imagine ever being forty. But here I am.

I turn my head towards the window, my attention caught by the wind blowing the last of the blossom from the tree. Forty. How can I be forty? My thirtieth birthday passed in the rush of looking after two young children, so it barely registered that I’d reached a milestone. This time, it’s hitting me harder, maybe because I’m at such a different stage in my life compared to most of my friends. They still have children at home, whereas Josh and Marnie, at twenty-two and nineteen years old, have already begun their own lives. It means I often feel older than I am. Thank God for Jess; with Cleo the same age as Marnie, we were able to go through their teenage years together.

I hear the scrape of the back door opening, then the pad of Adam’s feet as he walks across the terrace. I know him so well that I can imagine the face he’ll pull when he sees the marquee so close to his shed. He’s been brilliant about this party, which makes me feel even worse about the secret I’ve been keeping from him for six long weeks. The guilt comes back and I turn and bury my face in his pillow, trying to stifle it. But it won’t go away.

Needing something to distract myself, I reach for my phone. Even though the screen says it’s only 8.17, birthday messages have already arrived. Marnie’s came in first; her WhatsApp is timed at a few seconds after midnight, and I imagine her sitting on her bed in Hong Kong, watching the clock while she waited to press send, her message already written and ready to go.