The Devil Gets His Due (The Devils #4)(84)
“Gemma, I’m—”
“Don’t,” she barks, pulling the sunglasses back on and opening her door. “Do not fucking apologize to me. Fix it.”
She climbs into her car and drives off, leaving me sick to my stomach.
I’ve been so focused on how Keeley must feel about me that it never occurred to me how this must have made her feel about herself.
And I can stand a lot of things, but not that.
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KEELEY
I lumber out of my desk chair, forcing myself to go get lunch, though I haven’t had much of an appetite since the whole thing went down with Graham.
“You don’t look so good,” Trinny says as I walk out.
I blink. She’s right. I feel…not ill, but off. As if something has disrupted the balance inside me in a way even growing a human in my stomach has not. “I’ve had better days,” I tell her.
“Maybe you should go to the hospital?”
I shake my head. “It’s not…I just don’t feel good. Maybe I should go home.”
She grins. “Of course you should. You’re thirty-six weeks pregnant, and Dr. Fox has a very light schedule today. I’m sure she won’t mind being double-booked.”
I laugh wearily. “Yeah, she kind of has it coming, doesn’t she?”
I’ve just reached my apartment when Graham texts, and even the sight of his name hurts.
Graham: Can we talk when you get home?
I figured this was coming. At some point he was going to want to discuss custody. I’d like to put it off, but I guess I need to know what I’ll be fighting him over in a few weeks.
Me: I’m already home.
My phone rings immediately. The picture I took of him pops up. In it, he’s on my couch, reading and trying to appear irritated with me, but fighting a smile. I swallow hard. He didn’t hate me. I’m still sure of it. So how could he have done what he did?
“Why are you home?” he demands as soon as I pick up, his voice sharp. “Is everything okay?”
I put my feet up on the coffee table. “Why? Are you going to run to a judge to tell on me if I just wanted to go home early for once?”
“Jesus Christ, Keeley,” he says. “Of course not. I’m just worried.”
I’ve heard that before. How many times have my father and Shannon said the same?
“I’m fine,” I reply. “Why are you calling?”
“I…was just following up on the email I sent.”
I sigh. Here we go. I assume it’s a contract of some kind, or an email a lawyer wrote on his behalf, suggesting a custody arrangement that works best for him. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I sent you an email last night. I knew I should have texted you. You never check your email.”
“Yes, because I’m not a hundred years old.”
“Can you check it, please?”
I’m in no mood for this. “If it’s about your contract, I think you know where you can shove it. If this is about custody, just send it straight to Gemma.” I’d worried once that she might be on his side, since he’s a relative. Instead, I think she’s angrier at him than I am. It was a little too much like the bullshit her dad pulled on her mom, and she can’t deal with seeing me sad.
“I tore that contract up the second you walked out for your date. And it’s not about custody. Please, Keeley.”
Sighing, I reach across the table for my laptop and click on the message he’s sent.
“It’s a letter?” I ask quietly. “Should I just read it and call you back?”
“It’s not a lot,” he says. “I can wait.”
I set the phone down and pull the laptop closer.
* * *
Sept 9, 2022
I don’t know how to begin, so I’m just going to say it: I fucked up.
I can’t fix anything at this point. I’m putting it all on paper simply because I hate that I hurt you. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done, which is really saying something.
I was thoughtless and I was irresponsible, but that’s nothing you don’t already know. So just let me tell you the rest: After my father died, my mother started refusing to come out of her room. I tried to feed Colin myself and spilled boiling formula on us both. Colin wouldn’t stop crying, so I called 911, which led to Colin and Simon being placed in emergency foster care. It took three months for my mom to get them back. She still can’t look at baby pictures of any us…that’s how raw it is for her even now, decades later.
I have never wanted the responsibility that came with having a child, and when I found out you were pregnant, I panicked. I can’t defend my actions. I made assumptions I shouldn’t have after one night in your apartment, and that’s when I had the contract drawn up. As soon as you said you wanted to be a parent, I set it aside and never considered it again.
I doubt you’ll believe any of this. I know it won’t change anything. I just wanted you to know I love you, and there’s no one alive I’d rather have raise our daughter than you. She’ll know more about The Jonas Brothers and the cast of Dawson’s Creek than any child should, but she’ll also be loved in a way only you love the people you care about. Being one of them, briefly, was the happiest time of my life.