The City of Fallen Angels (Mortal Instruments 4)(55)

“I was going to tell you that I was trying to help out Simon,” he said, rainwater running off his eyelashes and down his cheeks like tears. “I’ve been at his place for the past—”

“And you couldn’t tell me? Couldn’t text me a single line letting me know where you were? Oh, wait. You couldn’t, because you still have my goddamned phone. Give it to me.”

Silently he reached into his jeans pocket and handed it to her. It looked undamaged. She jammed it into her messenger bag before the rain could ruin it. Jace watched her as she did it, looking as if she’d hit him in the face.

It only made her angrier. What right did he have to be hurt?

“I think,” he said slowly, “that I thought that the closest thing to being with you was being with Simon. Watching out for him. I had some stupid idea that you’d realize I was doing it for you and forgive me—”

All of Clary’s rage rose to the surface, a hot, unstoppable tide. “I don’t even know what you think I’m supposed to forgive youfor,” she shouted.“Am Isupposed to forgive you for not loving me anymore? Because ifthat’s what you want, Jace Lightwood, you can go right ahead and—” She took a step back, blindly, and nearly tripped over an abandoned speaker. Her bag slid to the ground as she put her hand out to right herself, but Jace was already there. He moved forward to catch her, and kept moving, until her back hit the alley wall, and his arms were around her, and he was kissing her frantically.

She knew she ought to push him away; her mind told her it was the sensible thing to do, but no other part of her cared about what was sensible. Not when Jace was kissing her like he thought he might go to hell for doing it, but it would be worth it.

She dug her fingers into his shoulders, into the damp fabric of his T-shirt, feeling the resistance of the muscles underneath, and kissed him back with all the desperation of the past few days, all the not knowing where he was or what he was thinking, all the feeling like a part of her heart had been ripped out of her chest and she could never get enough air. “Tell me,” she said between kisses, their wet faces sliding against each other. “Tell me what’s wrong—Oh,” she gasped as he drew away from her, only far enough to reach his hands down and put them around her waist. He lifted her up so she stood on top of a broken speaker, making them almost the same height.

Then he put his hands on either side of her head and leaned forward, so their bodies almost touched—but not quite. It was nerve-wracking. She could feel the feverish heat that came off him; her hands were still on his shoulders, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted him wrapped around her, holding her tight. “W-why,” she breathed, “can’t you talk to me? Why can’t you look at me?” what’s wrong—Oh,” she gasped as he drew away from her, only far enough to reach his hands down and put them around her waist. He lifted her up so she stood on top of a broken speaker, making them almost the same height.

Then he put his hands on either side of her head and leaned forward, so their bodies almost touched—but not quite. It was nerve-wracking. She could feel the feverish heat that came off him; her hands were still on his shoulders, but it wasn’t enough. She wanted him wrapped around her, holding her tight. “W-why,” she breathed, “can’t you talk to me? Why can’t you look at me?”

He ducked his head down to look into her face. His eyes, surrounding by lashes darkened with rainwater, were impossibly gold.

“Because I love you.”

She couldn’t stand it anymore. She took her hands off his shoulders, hooked her fingers through his belt loops, and pulled him against her. He let her do it with no resistance, his hands flattening against the wall, folding his body against hers until they were pressed together everywhere—chests, hips, legs—like puzzle pieces. His hands slid down to her waist and he kissed her, long and lingering, making her shudder.

She pulled away. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Neither does this,” he said, “but I don’t care. I’m sick of trying to pretend I can live without you. Don’t you understand that? Can’t you see it’s killing me?”

She stared at him. She could see he meant what he said, could see it in the eyes she knew as well as her own, in the bruised shadows under those eyes, the pulse pounding in his throat. Her desire for answers battled the more primal part of her brain, and lost. “Kiss me then,” she whispered, and he pressed his mouth against hers, their hearts slamming together through the thin layers of wet fabric that divided them. And she was drowning in it, in the sensation of him kissing her; of rain everywhere, running off her eyelashes; of letting his hands slide freely over the wet, crumpled fabric of her dress, made thin and clinging by the rain. It was almost like having his hands on her bare skin, her chest, her hips, her stomach; when he reached the hem of her dress, he gripped her legs, pressing her harder back against the wall while she wrapped them around his waist.

He made a noise of surprise, low in his throat, and dug his fingers into the thin fabric of her tights. Not unexpectedly, they ripped, and his wet fingers were suddenly on the bare skin of her legs. Not to be outdone, she slid her hands under the hem of his soaked shirt, and let her fingers explore what was underneath: the tight, hot skin over his ribs, the ridges of his abdomen, the scars on his back, the angle of his hipbones above the waistband of his jeans. This was uncharted territory for her, but it seemed to be driving him crazy: he was moaning softly against her mouth, kissing her harder and harder, as if it would never be enough, not quite enough—