The Cartographers(57)
“I just wish . . .” She sighed again. “I’m so close, so close. If I could just get there, I’m sure it would finally explain things with my dad. About why he did what he did to us that day, when I accidentally found it the first time. About why he was always the way he was, even. The way our relationship was.”
“I get it. I do. But maybe some things are worth more,” Felix replied.
“Like what?” she asked.
“The future,” he said, and then closed his mouth suddenly, shocked that it had slipped out.
She stared at him, surprised too.
“Like your job back,” he raced on, before she could say anything. “I just meant, this map already ruined things during the Junk Box Incident, and it seems like all of Dr. Young’s friends want to keep the past in the past, as well. If you let the library and the police take over, you might not get all the answers about this map, but maybe what you could get instead would be better. Not to mention safer.”
Felix held his breath as he watched Nell weigh the choices, trying to see which way she would go.
For a moment, it looked like she might actually allow the library to take possession of the map. But then her expression darkened again, and she was lost in the inescapable grip of her own determination. She’d wanted these answers for so long, she couldn’t quit before she had them—no matter the cost.
His heart sank.
She wasn’t going to let go. She couldn’t.
“Nell, I’m sorry,” he began. “I know how much—”
“You’re right,” Nell said suddenly, her eyes defiant. “I’ve given up enough of my life to this map already. I’m going to give it to Irene tomorrow. I’m going to tell her and Lieutenant Cabe everything I’ve found out.”
“Good,” Felix replied, relieved. The word came out a little too earnestly, and he winced. He hadn’t meant for it to sound so vulnerable.
He tried to come up with a quip to distract her before she could tease him about it, but Nell let the moment go.
“Thank you for helping me find the phantom settlement, at least,” she said instead, gesturing to the map. “For all your help, really.”
“Of course,” he replied.
“I guess, that means . . .” She took a long breath. “I’m done.”
He nodded slowly. “It’s over.”
They stood there for a few more seconds, suddenly purposeless. The silence was comfortable at first, but it began to grow awkward the longer it lasted.
Felix tried to think of something to bring up that would let them keep talking, but every idea seemed like a blatant stalling tactic. It would be painfully obvious what he was trying to do.
But to his surprise, Nell stalled for them both.
“You know, the reason I’m supposed to meet Irene in the first place,” she began. “The board is dedicating part of a collection to Dr. Young, to commemorate the work he did for the library. The celebration is tomorrow night.”
“Seriously?” Felix asked. “That’s a huge honor.”
She managed a smile for her father. “Swann put your name on the guest list again—if you want to come. I think he’d really like to see you, after such a long time.”
“It has been a long time,” he echoed.
“He’d love to hear about your new career at Haberson.”
“Hey, I really do miss the library,” he said.
He had become truly happy at Haberson, but he’d never forgotten the NYPL either. The excitement of walking those halls, the visiting scholars they’d gotten to meet, the maps they’d gotten to see. Those beautiful, priceless maps. And doing it all together.
“The old times,” he finished.
“It was good while it lasted,” she said.
While it lasted.
He looked down. “Yeah.”
“But hey, no big deal.” Nell was backtracking now. She’d misread his expression and was already trying to downplay the invitation, bringing up all the reasons he didn’t need to attend, that everyone would understand, that he’d already done enough and she didn’t expect him to—
“I’ll be there,” he replied.
Nell studied him guardedly. “You will?”
His stomach flipped.
“Sure.”
Now there was a playful edge to her smile. “For Swann, right?” she joked.
Felix struggled not to blush, and failed. Was she needling him because she was trying to tell him there was no way they’d ever get back together? Or was it for precisely the opposite reason—because, despite their disastrous first reunion a few days ago, she also had felt a spark between them again?
Because no matter how strongly he’d tried to hide it, Felix was sure his feelings were obvious by now.
“Well, that’s great,” Nell continued. “Swann will be thrilled to talk to you, and I can give Irene the map and tell her what I know, and . . .”
“Nell . . .” He trailed off as she glanced up.
This was a bad idea.
Maybe it would be different this time.
No, it wouldn’t, the wary half of his heart warned in response, but he couldn’t help it. It had been seven years, and they both had changed, hadn’t they? They both knew what they’d lost. Their work and their relationship had always been twisted up in each other, which at first had seemed romantic and passionate, but after the Junk Box Incident, Felix had realized what a liability it was.