The Bookish Life of Nina Hill(14)

“Send dick pics?” Daisy raised her eyebrows. Daisy’s whole aesthetic was fifties’ retro pinup, and her eyebrows were perfect for raising. “Only if we’re breaking up with someone and want to make sure they block our number forever.”

“So, anyway, what did you say to the photo shoot dick guy?” Nina turned to Vanessa, who shrugged.

“I had already said yes to a date, so I felt bad canceling after he’d shown me the goods.” She grimaced. “ ‘I know I said yes to a movie, but now that I know you have that monstrosity nestling in your pants, I’m no longer interested.’ Too hurtful.”

“Why were you being considerate of his feelings when he had just visually insulted you?”

“Because I’m not a horrible human being.” Vanessa was occasionally too nice, although she was working on it. “But I do wonder if penises look completely different from the male point of view. Is there, like, an aura or something around it, or a tiny halo? Do they think, ‘Wow, that’s a handsome penis; simply the sight of it makes me horny. Let me send a photo of it to this girl and it will make her horny, too’?”

The women collectively sighed. “They’re simple creatures, men,” said Lauren. “If they like something, they think everyone else will, too.”

“So you’re going out with him?” Nina was sticking to the original topic.

Vanessa nodded. “Yeah, we’re going to the Aliens screening at the ArcLight in a couple of weeks. I left plenty of time in the hopes he meets someone else in the interim.”

“I’ll be at that screening!” said Nina. “Shall I come over and tell him I’ve heard his penis looks really good in black and white?”

“Please don’t.” Vanessa paused. “Although if he takes it out during the film, I promise to text you for help.”

Leah snorted. “That is absolutely the last movie you want to take your dick out in. Too much similarity to those things that burst out of people’s stomachs. Take your dick out at the wrong moment and you could cause a stampede for the doors.”

“Oh my God, that would be a great Halloween costume; you could dress as John Hurt from the first movie and have your own dick sticking out of a bloody hole in your T-shirt. Totally convincing.” Nina reconsidered. “Mind you, you’d have to keep it hard and menacing looking the whole time, which might be difficult in late October.”

“Can we get back to the book?” Daisy asked, giggling but trying to hold it together. “We’re nearly out of time.”

“Who are you going to Aliens with?” Vanessa asked Nina.

Nina nodded at Leah and Lauren. “These two losers, plus Carter.”

“Are you seeing someone right now?”

Nina shook her head.

Lauren coughed. “She likes a guy at trivia, but she’s too chicken to talk to him.”

Nina frowned and shook her head. “He’s cute, but he may not be worth talking to. He knows too much about sports. He probably doesn’t even read.”

Lauren added, “And that’s apparently her deal breaker.”

Nina looked around. “Isn’t it everyone’s?”

Lauren shook her head. “Not mine. Mind you, I’m not a bookstore employee, so it’s not like nonreaders threaten my livelihood.”

“It’s not mine, either, and I do work at a bookstore,” said Daisy, tucking her blond curls behind her ear. “I draw the line at non–animal lovers. Or girls who ostentatiously use hand sanitizer after going to a public bathroom. Soap and water should be enough. What are they going to do after sex, a full body scrub and chemical peel?”

“I won’t date someone who talks about politics within the first two hours of our meeting,” said Leah. “It used to be a good filter, but now everyone talks about politics, so maybe it’s too fine a mesh. I might need to lower my window of exclusion.”

“Rudeness to waiters, total veto,” contributed Vanessa.

“Backward hats, or, actually, any hats. I hate hats.” Leah looked firm.

“Men who call me by my last name. Unless they’re my high school gym coach, it’s not cute.”

“People who blow their straw wrappers off in public.”

“People who say, ‘Can I come with?’ as if it’s a complete sentence.”

“Calling soda ‘sody pop.’ ”

“Asking for water with no ice in a restaurant.”

“Pussy Whisperers.”

There was silence. “I’m sorry?” asked Lauren.

Vanessa blushed. “You know, when a man gets down there, so to speak, and then says stuff like, ‘Hello there, gorgeous’ or ‘You like that, don’t you, baby?’ except they’re talking to, you know, her and not you.” Pause. “It’s like when you think a guy is interested but it turns out he’s only trying to get to your hotter friend.”

“You’re jealous of your own snatch?”

Vanessa was now bright red. “No, but if you give me your thoughts on my vagina, I’ll make sure they get passed along, OK? We’re the same person.”

All the women gazed at her for a moment, then Nina said, “You know what I hate? Men who assume women are scared of spiders. And mice. And snakes.”