The Book of Strange New Things(152)

‘Oooo, was that a putdown? Did I detect a putdown? Is this a ruffled godboy I see before me?’

‘Please . . . don’t call me godboy.’

‘You one of those decaffeinated Christians, padre? The diabetic wafer? Doctrine-free, guilt-reduced, low in Last Judgement, 100% less Second Coming, no added Armageddon? Might contain small traces of crucified Jew?’ Tartaglione’s voice dripped with contempt. ‘Marty Kurtzberg – now he was a man of faith. Grace before meals, “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God”, none of this Krishna-has-wisdom-too crapola, always wore a jacket and pressed pants and polished shoes. And if you scratched him deep enough, he’d tell you: These are the last days.’

Peter swallowed hard on what tasted like bile. Even if he was dying himself, he didn’t think these were the world’s last days. God wouldn’t let go of the planet he loved so easily. He’d given His only son to save it, after all. ‘I’m just trying . . . just trying to treat people the way Jesus might have treated them. That’s Christianity for me.’

‘Well, that’s just fine and dandy. Molto ammirevole! I take my hat off to you, if I had a hat. Come on, godboy, have some booze, it’s good.’

Peter nodded, closed his eyes. Tartaglione’s rant about USIC was starting to sink in. ‘So . . . the reason why you guys are all here . . . USIC’s mission . . . it’s not trying to extract . . . it’s not . . . uh . . . finding new sources of . . . uh . . . ’

Tartaglione scoffed more lung fragments into the air. ‘All that is over, palomino! Over! We’ve got the trucks but no depot, capisce? We’ve got the ships but no harbour. We’ve got the hard-on and the jism but the woman is dead. Pretty soon, all the women will be dead. The earth has had it. We’ve mined all the mines, we’ve exploited all the exploits, we’ve eaten all the eats. è finito!’

‘But what about here on Oasis? What’s supposed to happen here?’

‘Here? Didn’t you get your Happy Pioneer T-shirt? We’re supposed to be creating a nest, a nursery, a place where the whole shebang can start over again. You’ve heard of the Rapture? Are you a Rapture kind of godboy?’

Peter raised the beaker to his face again. He was struggling to remain awake. ‘Not really,’ he sighed. ‘I think it’s based on a misreading of Scripture . . . ’

‘Well, this project here,’ declared Tartaglione, imperious in contempt, ‘is sorta like the Rapture by committee. Rapture Incorporated. The Department of Rapture. Worried about the state of the world? Your hometown’s just been flattened by a hurricane? Your kids’ school is full of gangsters and pushers? Your mama just died in her own merda while the nurses were busy divvying up the morphine? No gas for your car and the shops are looking kinda zen? Lights have gone off and the toilet doesn’t flush anymore? Future’s looking distinctly caca? Hey, non dispera! There is a way out. Come to beautiful Oasis. No crime, no madness, no bad stuff of any kind, a brand new home, home on the range, no deer or antelope but hey, accentuate the positive, there never is heard a discouraging word, nobody rapes you or tries to reminisce about Paris in the springtime, no sense sniffing that old vomit, right? Cut the strings, blank the slate, let go of Auschwitz and the Alamo and the . . . the f*cking Egyptians for God’s sake, who needs it, who cares, focus on tomorrow. Onward and upward. Come to beautiful Oasis. Everything’s sustainable, everything works. Everything’s laid out and ready. All it lacks is you.’

‘But . . . who is it for? Who’s going to come?’

‘Aha!’ Tartaglione was in an ecstasy of derision by now. ‘That’s the five-billion-ruble question, isn’t it? Who’s gonna come . . . Who’s gonna come. Muy interesante! Can’t have vipers in the nest, can we? Can’t have crazies and parasites and saboteurs. Only nice, well-adjusted folks need apply. Except – get this – you’ll need to pay your fare. I mean, there’s a time for planting and a time for reaping, right? USIC can’t invest for ever; time to cash in. So who’s gonna come? The poor schlub who works in the 7-Eleven? I don’t think so. USIC’s gonna have to take the filthy-rich folks – but not the *s and the prima donnas, no no no, the nice ones with the salt-of-the-earth values. Multi-millionaires who give up their seat on the bus. Tycoons who are happy to hand-wash their T-shirts ’cause, you know, they wouldn’t want to waste electricity. Yeah, I can see it now. Step right up, book early for f*cking Raptureland.’

Peter’s brain was closing down, but as he began to drift towards oblivion he recalled the clean corridors of the USIC medical centre, the surgical equipment still shrouded in plastic wrapping, the yellow-painted room littered with boxes marked NEO-NATAL.

‘But when . . . when is this supposed to happen?’

‘Any day now! Never! Who f*cking knows?’ yelled Tartaglione. ‘Soon as they build a baseball stadium? Soon as they’ve figured out how to make pistachio ice-cream out of toenail clippings? Soon as they grow a daffodil? Soon as Los Angeles slides into the Pacific? Search me. Would you want to live here?’

Peter imagined himself sitting cross-legged near his church, with the Jesus Lovers gathered around him, all of them holding their woven Bible booklets open at a parable. The afternoon was going on and on indefinitely, everyone was lambent with sunlight, and Lover Five was bringing a food offering to the newest arrival in their community – Bea, wife of Father Pe???er, seated at his side. ‘I . . . it would depend . . . ’ he said. ‘It’s a beautiful place.’