The Book of Lost Names(63)

She couldn’t face her mother, either, not with all the emotions swirling through her. When Rémy had kissed her, it felt like the best thing she’d ever done, the most natural thing in the world. But how could that be when he wasn’t Jewish? Her mother would never forgive her, and what if Tatu? wouldn’t, either? How could she betray them now? The longer she sat there on the church steps, the more confused she became. Would it be braver to follow her heart at the risk of failing her parents? Or braver to turn her back on a person she was forbidden to love so she could preserve the history being stripped from her people? Neither path seemed the right answer.

By the time Père Clément arrived an hour later and found her sitting in the cold, Rémy’s footprints had vanished under a dusting of freshly fallen snow.

“What are you doing out here?” Père Clément asked as he dashed up the stairs, his face red with cold. “Is something wrong?”

“I—” How could she explain it to him without sounding like a fool? “I was just getting some air.”

He didn’t look convinced, but he nodded and helped her up. “Come inside, Eva, you’ll catch your death of cold. Did you and Rémy complete the work?”

She turned away before Père Clément could see her blushing. “Yes, mon Père.”

Inside, the church was warm, but as Eva led Père Clément back toward the small library, she felt like she was still made of ice, her heart nearly as cold as her red and raw face. “My goodness, Eva,” Père Clément said, looking at her with concern once they were together in the secret room. “How long were you out there? You look half frozen.”

“Not long,” she said vaguely. She had lost track of the minutes. She only knew it was enough time for the last traces of Rémy to be erased. “Rémy is gone.”

“Yes,” Père Clément said, and she realized that he had already known.

“Do you know where I can find him?” Eva hesitated. “I think there are some things I need to say to him, things I should have said last night.”

Père Clément frowned. “He didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

“Eva, he’s escorting some of the children today.”

“He’s—what?”

“He said he knew how close you had gotten in the past couple of months to Madame Travere’s wards, especially Anne, and he wanted to see them safely across the border.”

Eva swallowed hard. “He went because of me?”

Père Clément’s smile was gentle, and Eva had the sense, not for the first time, that he could see into her heart. “He went because he’s a good man, trying to do the right thing.”

“But he didn’t tell me.”

“Perhaps he didn’t want to worry you.”

Or maybe he had known she would try to stop him. Maybe the kiss they’d shared had been his way of saying goodbye. Is that what he’d meant when he said he couldn’t let her down? Was he afraid he wouldn’t come back? A shiver ran through her, colder than anything she’d felt from the weather outside. “The passage will be dangerous this time of year,” she said softly.

“Yes.”

“How long do you think it will take him to make it back to Aurignon?”

“Eva, I’m not sure he’s coming back,” he said after a moment. “I’m told the underground has other needs for his expertise.”

“His expertise?”

Père Clément’s eyes were filled with concern. “Before he found his way to Aurignon, he apparently worked a bit with explosives.”

“Explosives? Rémy?”

“He has a background in chemistry.”

“Of course,” Eva murmured. “The lactic acid.”

Père Clément nodded. “As I understand it, formulating explosives requires some experience with that sort of thing.”

So Rémy would be out there somewhere, blowing things up, risking his life. Would she see him again? Suddenly, she felt as if she was sinking. “But I need him,” she said weakly.

She wasn’t sure whether Père Clément truly misunderstood her meaning or had chosen to save her the embarrassment of a real answer. “You’ll be all right, Eva. In fact, the movement is sending another forger in his place to help you out for a while.”

“Another forger?” Eva looked around the room in dismay. This had been the space she had shared with Rémy. She couldn’t imagine another person here, breathing air that was supposed to be his, taking up space that wasn’t meant to be filled by anyone but him.

“In fact, I’m told she’s around your age.”

“It’s a woman?” Somehow, Eva hadn’t expected this, but why not?

Père Clément nodded. “She should be here within the month.”

Slowly, Eva reached for the papers she and Rémy had forged together last night, the ones that would allow the children safe access to Switzerland if all went according to plan. As she held them out to Père Clément, she mustered her courage. “May I come with you? To say goodbye to him?”

From the way he held her gaze, she had the feeling he could see just what was in her heart. “No, Eva, I’m afraid not. In fact, the children and the couriers are already outside the city. I’m sending someone with these documents now. It’s too dangerous to do it any other way.”