The Bishop’s Wife (Linda Wallheim Mystery, #1)(17)

She had died before she was born, and that left her in a kind of limbo in terms of Mormon doctrine. Stillborn children are sometimes listed as members of the family and sealed to their parents, but sometimes they are not. Some Mormons firmly believe a stillborn child is only a body, and that if there was once a spirit attached to it, it has gone to another body, to other parents.

Joseph Smith had given a famous funeral speech for a young child, claiming that children who died before the age of eight were automatically taken into the celestial kingdom and that mothers would there be allowed the privilege of raising their children to adulthood if they had missed the chance in this life. Still, I didn’t like the idea that a child was waiting all those years for me to die before she was allowed to grow up.

I hoped fervently that the Westons were blowing the potential danger to Carrie out of proportion, and for the first time I hoped that Jared Helm’s story was true and Carrie had just abandoned her family. Now, having read her letter, I began to understand why the young mother might make that choice. If Jared had made her believe she was a bad mother, she might have become convinced Kelly was better off without her. I could sympathize with Carrie Helm in ways that her parents and even Kurt probably could never understand.

“If you could talk to Jared,” Judy was saying, turning away from her husband and appealing to Kurt now. “Maybe he would tell you where she is. She did not simply disappear. She would not do that. She would not leave Kelly with him.”

“There might be some other explanation for all of this,” said Kurt. He always wanted there to be an explanation.

But sometimes the explanation was that men took advantage of the power they had over their wives, in society and in the church. Even the kindest men in the church had no idea of the many ways in which they made their wives and daughters into lesser persons than their sons and fellow male church members. “I wouldn’t be where I am today without my wife,” they say in testimony meetings. But what they are also saying is that their wives have given up their personal ambitions in favor of the ambitions of their husbands. Mormon men protect their daughters, but they encourage and cheer on their sons. And I, who had never had a daughter, and had so few female friends still in the church, had done little more than any of the men had to help the women around me. But that had to change. I had to change first, and make the church and culture change around me. First came speaking the truth.

“You need to get the press involved,” I said, thinking of the news stories I had seen that week on television. The missing persons cases with the best publicity always get solved the fastest. “If the police won’t act, then we need some help. Some people out there, looking for her. People who might have seen Jared the night Carrie disappeared.” This was what I had learned in my years of watching missing persons cases on TV, not anything official, but I believed it.

“Press?” said Kurt in a choked tone.

But Judy Weston nodded. “That is a good idea. I know a writer for the local paper.” She glanced at her husband.

“But he isn’t anyone important,” said Aaron Weston. “I have some friends who work at KSL, members of the church I’ve come in contact with in my leadership positions.”

I disliked the way that he dismissed Judy’s suggestion and had to put his own ideas first, but I wanted this done more than I wanted to argue about who should lead it. “Start with any local connections you have,” I said. “But national coverage would be better. We want to force the police to pay attention. The longer they wait before acting, the less chance there is of …” I couldn’t allow myself to believe that she was dead. Carrie Helm had to be alive.

Aaron Weston was nodding vigorously. He could agree with me, if not with his own wife, it seemed. “Good,” he said, putting a hand to his heart. “The Spirit is speaking to me right now, telling me this is the right path. We’ll go and get started. Thank you so much. We’ll be in touch with you again soon about the results.”

I nodded, feeling alive in a way I hadn’t for years. My fingers were tingling and I could feel the beat of blood in my neck. Other bishop’s wives didn’t get involved in personal crusades, but I couldn’t turn this one aside. I owed it to Carrie Helm, after all the time I’d neglected her.

“I knew this was the right place to come,” said Judy Weston softly. She stood up and came toward me, hugging me gently despite my stiffness. I was going to have to learn sometime, I told myself. This was how women interacted with each other.

Holding her husband’s hand as they walked to the front door, Judy Weston said, “I am sure that God is watching over Carrie even now.”

I watched them leave and then Kurt gestured me back to his office. “If Jared Helm is innocent, you have just put him into an impossible situation,” he said sternly.

“Do you really still think that is likely?” I said, annoyed with him. “You read that letter Carrie Helm wrote. It sounded pretty bad to me.”

“I admit, it was disturbing, but it seems unfair to paint Jared Helm as an abuser. Or a possible murderer. That letter isn’t proof of anything other than the fact that Carrie and Jared had a troubled marriage, and we knew that already.”

“Carrie Helm is gone and no one has heard from her. She might well be dead. I think the possibility of that outweighs Jared Helm’s need for privacy,” I said. But I thought, please, don’t be dead, please don’t be dead. It was the same mantra I had repeated that night so many years ago, when Kurt drove me to the hospital.