The Betrothed (The Betrothed #1)(55)

Tears came again then. Not because of sadness or fear, but because someone had seen me. He saw me and took me as I was. He was right, there was so much more, but good or bad, he was willing to take me.

“I want to go with you, but I cannot. Surely you understand that. If we were even seen now, my reputation would be ruined! I could never come back to court.”

“Why on earth would you want to?”

And in that instant, I realized I never wanted to be within an arm’s length of a crown so long as I lived. Everything that had been constant in my life now was vividly superfluous. It was intoxicatingly freeing to see it now for what it was: a bunch of empty nothing.

“Come away,” he asked again. “Even if your reputation is ruined, you will be beloved by my family. You would make losing my country, my home, everything, all worth it. To know there was one good thing I could dedicate my days to, to live with and for . . . you would change my world.”

I stared deep into the eyes of Silas Eastoffe . . . and I knew. I had to go with him. Yes, love was a part of it—a huge, sweeping part that I’d been terrified to own up to—but that nameless thing drawing in my chest calmed when I decided I would go wherever he did.

“Ready the horses,” I said. “And tell your family. If I’m not back in thirty minutes, you should run without me.”

“Tonight?” he asked, in shock.

“Yes. There’s something I have to do. If it doesn’t work, I’m trapped, and you should go for your own safety. If it does, we need to leave now.”

Silas nodded. “I’ll be here in thirty minutes.”

I reached up, kissing him quickly, and turned to go back into the Great Room. I couldn’t think of anything I’d experienced in my life as frightening as what I was about to do, but there was no way to get around it.

I needed to speak to my king.





Twenty-Six




IN THE SHORT TIME I’D been gone, the courtiers had already gotten swept up in the festivities. I had to press myself up against the wall to walk to the head of the room so I didn’t get trampled. Jameson was poking one of the lords in the chest, laughing at a joke or comment, loving the mood of the room and the adoration of his people.

“Hollis!” he called out upon seeing me return. “I have something I must take care of.”

He moved to get the attention of the room, but I pulled his hands down.

“Please, Your Majesty. Before anything, I must speak to you in private. It’s urgent.”

He squinted his eyes, as if he couldn’t believe I might have any need that could be considered urgent. “Of course. Come with me.”

He ushered me into his private rooms, closing the door and locking out the fray.

“My Hollis, what is so imperative that we had to speak now?”

I pulled in a breath. “It has come to my attention that you intend to ask me to be your queen tonight.” He smiled, knowing this was no secret to anyone anymore. “I had to tell you that I am not prepared to say yes.”

The excited fidgeting he’d been doing all night came to an abrupt stop. He stared at me as if I’d taken an axe to the stained-glass windows, as if the shards were showering down around us now. Very carefully, he reached up and took off the Crown of Estus, setting it on the nearby table.

“I don’t understand.”

“It’s difficult to explain. You have shown me such respect and care, but I’m not ready to live this life.” I held my hand out. “You once said yourself that this role could change people, and I’ve found . . . I’ve . . .”

Jameson’s demeanor changed, and he came over, taking me by the shoulders. “Hollis, my love. Yes, I wanted to announce our engagement tonight, but that doesn’t mean we have to rush into a wedding. You can take your time, adjust. That won’t change my feelings for you.”

I swallowed. “But . . . but what if my feelings . . .”

His face grew darker. His mouth hung slightly open, and I watched as he menacingly pushed his tongue against the back of his teeth, looking me over.

“Have you been lying to me, Hollis?”

“No. I did love you.”

“Did? And now?”

“And now . . . I don’t know. I’m so sorry, I just don’t know.”

He turned, walking in a circle as he rubbed his hand against his chin. “I signed a treaty with you in mind. I’ve sent off drawings for your coin. As we speak, our initials are being embroidered on tapestries to be hung across the castle. And you would leave me?”

“Jameson, please. I don’t want to hurt or offend you, but—”

He held up a hand to silence me. “So what do you propose?”

“I need to leave the castle. If I have shamed you, then you may make up any story you please about me. I will bear it without complaint.”

He shook his head. “I wouldn’t do that. I’ve fought too hard to preserve your name to tear it down with my own hands.” After a moment of quiet thought, he looked up at me, his face decidedly softer. “If you must take your leave of the castle, then do so. I have no fear. You will come back to me, Hollis. I know, without a single doubt, that you will be mine. In the end.”

He didn’t know that Silas was waiting with a horse. He didn’t know that I’d be married as soon as I could arrange it. He had no idea I wanted to distance myself from him and the crown for the rest of my life.