Tacker (Arizona Vengeance #5)(41)

Busy people walk by quickly, heads down and shoulders hunched. No one cares about my phone call, yet I turn slightly to the side, wanting to protect this conversation.

“Tacker?” Nora says, and her voice is a balm.

“Hey,” I say, my voice coming out raspy and unsure of itself. I give a slight cough. “I mean… good morning.”

“Morning,” she replies brightly. “I know Raul just told you, but we watched the game last night. You were wonderful.”

“It was a good team effort,” I say, displacing the praise and redistributing it to my team where it belongs.

But not going to lie… it feels good that she watched me.

“Are you okay?” she asks, a hint of worry in her tone. She gave me permission to call her as a counselor. In her mind, there would be no other reason for me to call unless I was in distress.

And I am… sort of.

“I’m… uh,” I say, not sure how to get this out. “Well… I’m having some guilt issues.”

The change in her tone is palpable as she enters counselor mode, sounding gently calm yet completely sure of her advice. “Remember, Tacker… when you’re feeling that way, I want you to try to focus on the responsible party. It was the plane manufacturer—”

“No,” I say into the phone, cutting her off. “Not about the crash.”

“Oh,” she says softly, but not in a surprised way. There are other types of guilt we’ve discussed in the past. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” I say gently. “But this morning, I’m just feeling… I don’t know… a little bad that things are going so well. That I’m doing better and trying to move on. I guess I’m feeling a little guilty that I’m not feeling more guilty.”

And… what I can’t tell you is that I’m thinking about you in ways that tells me I’m very much moving on from MJ being the only woman I think about.

Nora chuckles, the sound reassuring. I can hear in her amusement that what I’m feeling is actually normal. She even says so. “Tacker, that’s good news. It means you’re not only healing, but you’re also constantly assessing your feelings. You’re very aware of the way you used to feel and how different that is from the way you’re feeling now. It’s probably a little weird for you, I’m sure, but please don’t worry about it.”

“You’re sure?” I ask dubiously.

She asks a question instead. “Why don’t you deserve happiness, Tacker? Shouldn’t everyone?”

“I guess,” I mutter, scrubbing my hand through my hair. I roll back so I’m leaning against the wall again. “But is there a time period on mourning? Something that’s acceptable I should be striving for? I mean, timing wise, is it normal for me to go from utter despair a mere three weeks ago to…”

Words once again drift away.

“Happiness?” she guesses. “Joy in life? Understanding of your feelings?”

“It’s a lot to try to understand.”

She’s quiet for a moment, as she often is when we’re in session. Nora likes to process things, and it’s not unusual for her to take a moment to collect her thoughts.

Finally, she says, “Helen took me from Drenica after the massacre, and I latched onto her. I mean… I fell in love with her right away. Do you think that means I forgot my family?”

“Of course not,” I exclaim, horrified she’d even ask me such a thing.

“Do you think by loving Helen that I loved my family any less?”

“No,” I reply, understanding her point.

Still, she throws one more. “Even though I loved Helen, and I was so grateful to her for giving me a new chance at life, do you think I was done with my sadness and grieving?”

“I highly doubt it.” How could any child get over something like that quickly?

“Grief and healing are individual,” she says. “There’s no time period. No book that lays out the rules. I’ve known some people who need years to process loss in a healthy manner while others merely take a few months. But if you are stuck worrying about what others think, then you’re in the wrong headspace. You only have to worry about what you think.”

“I’m not worried about what others think,” I assure her. “I guess I just wanted to make sure that this journey… this new path I’m navigating… I’m doing it right, aren’t I?”

“Yes, Tacker… you’re doing it right.”

That’s all I need. The surety in her words, her conviction and faith in me.

Exactly what I needed.

“Okay. Thanks, Nora,” I murmur, pushing off from the wall. “I appreciate it.”

“See you at the ranch on Tuesday, right?” she asks. We’d scheduled my next counseling session for that morning, then I’m off to a team meeting before our game that evening.

“I’ll be there,” I assure her. “And you and Raul are still coming to the game that night, right?”

“We wouldn’t miss it for the world,” she says with a laugh.

“Both of you are coming out with the team after,” I state.

“We wouldn’t want to impose.”