Sweet Sorrow(20)

‘You hate him?’

‘No! I don’t hate him, I love him – didn’t you hear me? I put this all so much better in the letter—’

‘Just tell me!’

‘Oh, Christ! I’m—’

But her voice snagged on something. An oily glint came to her eyes and she closed them and pressed her fingertips hard into the sockets.

‘I’m tired, Charlie. I’m just very, very tired. It doesn’t do him any good, my being there, and I can’t spend my life looking after him. To you I know I’m ancient but I feel too young to spend my days just … stuck.’

‘So you’re leaving.’

‘For a while, yes, I’m moving out.’

‘You’re running away.’

‘He doesn’t want me there either! He knows about Jonathan, things have been said, it’s impossible—’ She groaned, exasperated. ‘I’ve done everything I can do! Everything, you know that, unless you want more of me and your dad, years and years of us shouting and screaming and hissing at each other in the middle of the night—’

‘When I got home, he was curled up in a ball—’

‘Oh, Christ – I’ve not done this lightly, Charlie, it’s not for giggles; I’m doing it because I think it’s for the best!’

‘Best for you maybe.’

‘No, for everyone!’

‘Cruel to be kind?’

‘There’s an element of—’

‘Cos it’s certainly fucking cruel—’

‘And that’s enough of that!’ she said sharply, then growled and dug her fingers into her hair and pulled as if trying to hoist herself up. ‘Christ, Charlie, you’re not making this easy.’

‘Did you want me to make it easy?’

‘Well, yes, to be honest, yes, I wouldn’t mind,’ she snarled, then exhaled, taking a moment to correct herself. ‘No. You say exactly what you want to say.’ She put her hands across her eyes, like a visor. ‘What do you want to know?’

‘You’re moving in with—’

‘Jonathan. For the time being, yes.’

‘For how long?’

‘Don’t know. We’ll see.’

‘And me and Billie are staying with Dad.’

‘Well …’ She chewed her lip and looked to the wall and, with some precision and care, spoke. ‘The current thinking is that Billie will come and live with me and you will stay with Dad.’

A moment passed, a held breath, before I could speak again.

‘Can I come?’

‘What?’

‘Can I come with you?’

‘I don’t—’

‘—with you and Billie.’

‘Oh, Charlie—’

‘I’m serious! Take me.’

‘I can’t!’

‘Because I’ll go nuts if I stay there.’

‘Jonathan’s got a family, he’s got twin girls.’

‘I don’t mind.’

‘There’s no bedroom.’

‘I’m all right on the sofa.’

‘Charlie, I need you to stay with your dad!’

‘Why me?’

‘Because … you’re the oldest—’

‘No, you’re the oldest!’

‘You’ve always been close to your dad—’

‘No, we’re not close, you like to think we’re close because it’s easier for you.’

‘When you were little, you were close—’

‘I’m not little!’

‘No, but you can get that back, get close again.’

‘I’m closer to you, I want to come with you and Billie!’ I had tried hard not to panic, to keep fear from my voice but to my embarrassment, I now found that I was crying – ‘Charlie, I’m not emigrating, I’m only going up the road, I’ll be around! You’ll see Billie at school every day!’

– crying like I was four or five, jagged and breathless. ‘You won’t be there when we wake up, you won’t be there nights—’

‘You’ll be fine, the two of you. Your dad loves being with you—’

‘It’ll be horrible! I want to be with you!’

She was crying too now, trying to hold me as I tried to push her away. ‘But what can I do, Charlie? I love you but I’m so unhappy, you have no idea, you think because we’re grown-ups – I know I’m being selfish and I know you’ll hate me for it now but I’ve got to try something. I’ve got to do this and see what happens—’

Suddenly she lurched towards me, propelled by someone shoving at the store cupboard door. ‘Who’s in there?’ shouted a male voice.

‘Greg, go away!’ said Mum, struggling to hold the door closed.

‘Amy? I need a roll of towel for the dispenser!’

‘Go. Away!’

‘You got someone in there with you? Saucy wench—’

She slapped the door hard with the flat of her hand. ‘Greg, I beg you, please, just … fuck off!’ then mouthed to me, ‘Sorry!’