Sweet Sorrow(14)

Ivor and Alina bounded forwards with such force that their chairs skittered back across the parquet. ‘How are you doing, kids, all right?’ shouted Ivor, plump and wide-eyed like a spoilt King Charles Spaniel. Fine, we mumbled, but Ivor had the bumptious, cajoling demeanour we knew from kids’ TV. He cupped his ear. ‘I can’t hear you!’

‘’Course he can fucking hear us,’ said Fox. ‘It’s a trick.’

‘A ruse,’ said Lloyd, ‘a wily ruse.’

‘Let’s try it once again! How ya doing?’ We stayed quiet.

‘Oh, you sound so sad!’ said Alina, pulling down the corners of her mouth, tilting her head to one side.

‘Christ, there’s two of them,’ said Lloyd, but Alina had a European accent, Czech or Hungarian perhaps, which made her vampish and intriguing to us.

‘We’re here to tell you about a fantastic opportunity,’ said Ivor, ‘coming your way this summer; a great project we’re very excited about. Tell me – who here has heard of a Mr William Shakespeare? Is that all? Wow, you’re shy. Okay, let’s try this: who here has never heard of a Mr William Shakespeare? The Swan of Avon! The Bard! The Upstart Crow! You see – you’ve all heard of him!’

‘And who here can quote some Shakespeare for us?’ said Alina.

One hand rocketed. Suki Jewell, the deputy head girl.

‘To be or not to be,’ whispered Harper.

‘To be or not to be!’ shouted Suki.

‘That is the question! Very good! Hamlet! Anyone else?’ From the front rows of the hall, the book-token kids were calling out: ‘Alas, poor Yorick!’

‘Is this a dagger!’

‘Now is the winter of our discontent!’

‘It is better to have loved and lost,’ shouted Suki Jewell, ‘than never to have loved at all.’

Ivor frowned consolingly. ‘Actually, that’s Tennyson.’

‘Yeah, that’s Tennyson, you slag,’ said Lloyd.

Now Alina took over. ‘Here’s the thing – did you know that we all use Shakespeare’s language, even when we don’t realise it!’ Dark-eyed, sharp-featured, hair scraped back harshly, Alina seemed less comfortable in her hoody and tracksuit, a ballet dancer absconding from an open prison. ‘Are you listening to me? Because I simply won’t speak if you are not listening. Very well, tell me – has anyone here heard the phrase “brave new world”? A few of you. Okay, how about break the ice, as in “hey, let’s break the ice at this party”?’

‘How about faint-hearted?’ said Ivor. ‘Or foregone conclusion?’

‘Did you know—’ said Alina.

‘No,’ said Fox.

‘—that when you use the phrase “method in my madness”, you’re quoting Will?’

‘Who the fuck says “method in my madness”?’ said Lloyd.

‘And when you tell a knock-knock joke, you’re quoting … the Scottish Play!’

Ivor winked and whispered from behind his hand, ‘She means Macbeth!’ and Little Colin Smart from Drama Society laughed.

‘Oi! Smart,’ Lloyd hissed down the line. ‘Don’t laugh at that, you dick.’

‘Play fast and loose!’ said Alina.

‘In the mind’s eye!’ said Ivor.

‘Laughing stock!’

‘Love is blind!’

‘The milk of human kindness!’

‘F’fuck’s sake,’ said Harper, ‘you made your point.’

But they were not done yet, because now Ivor crossed his arms and struck a pose while Alina pressed play on the tape deck. They crouched, hands on knees, faces close. A pause, uncomfortably long, and a thin hip-hop beat began. As we feared, it was another attempt to convince us that Shakespeare was the first rapper.

‘You’re dead as a doornail!’

‘To the crack of doom!’

‘You’ve eaten me out of house and home!’

‘It was a dish fit for the gods!’

‘We don’t even like rap,’ sighed Lloyd. ‘What makes them think we like rap?’

‘You play fast and loose!’

‘Had that one already,’ said Harper.

‘You set my teeth on edge!’

‘No, you set my teeth on edge,’ said Lloyd.

‘You’ve seen better days!’

‘I’ll kill you with kindness!’

‘Kill me with something,’ said Fox. ‘Please!’

‘You’re the Devil incarnate!’

‘Ha! Jealousy’s the green-eyed monster!’

‘These are literally the worst people in the world …’

And now suddenly Mr Pascoe was on his feet. ‘Harper! Fox! Lloyd! What the hell are you doing?’

‘Quoting Shakespeare, sir,’ said Fox.

‘There’s method in our madness, sir,’ said Lloyd.

‘Outside. Now!’

‘Foregone conclusion,’ murmured Harper.

‘We’re a laughing stock,’ said Lloyd.

‘In one fell swoop,’ said Fox as the three of them squeezed past me, scraping chairs. Once the swing door had closed, Alina pressed stop and Ivor stepped forward once again.