Someone Else's Ocean(58)

On the porch with my parents later that day, my mother sat expectantly. “So, you won’t come back and you’re determined to stay here? Why?”

Ian had made himself scarce as promised and I couldn’t help my wandering eyes as I searched the beach every so often for a sign of him. The renters had left that morning and I was sure he’d resumed residence at his house.

“I’m happy here.”

“You’re wasting your life,” she argued, “your potential.”

“I’m saving my fucking life,” I snapped before my father shot me a warning look.

“Easy, Koti.”

I swallowed the knot in my throat. “I’m happy here. Why can’t that mean anything?”

She glanced at my dad for backup and got none. I could already see the war brewing that she would wage on him later.

“It does mean something. It means a lot that you’ve finally pulled yourself together and now you can come back swinging.”

“This isn’t a resurrection, Mother. I’m not coming back for another round, I’ve accepted defeat as far as that goes and I wish you would too. I can’t hack it out there, not in that world and not in that atmosphere. I have limitations, and I’m learning to deal with them.”

“I can’t believe you’re hiding behind that excuse,” she said incredulously. “We all have our stresses.”

“You’ve talked to my therapist, Mom. You know I have it a little bit harder than that.”

“It’s an excuse.”

I was on my feet instantly. “You have no idea what it’s like to feel like you’re drowning while life goes on around you, while people smile like they don’t have a care in the world, while you’re struggling to breathe! You have no idea!”

My mother bared her teeth. “Calm down.”

I took a deep breath. “That’s just it, Mother,” I said with defeat, my bones aching from the emotions she stirred. “Sometimes I can’t calm down until I’m so weak I can’t move. You made an imperfect daughter—deal with it already. I’m tired of trying to explain it to you.”

She looked at my father for more backup and he finally stepped in.

“Blair, listen to her. She’s happy.”

She shot daggers at him. “We agreed.”

“We also agreed to hear her out.” My father let out a heavy sigh as he looked over to me. His rehearsed question coming out as an obligation. “You won’t even consider coming back?”

“No, Dad. I love New York but it’s too hard for me. I won’t go back to live in a place I can’t breathe in. This is my life. I’m happy with it. The sooner you two accept it, the better.”

“I’m selling this house,” my mother stated plainly. “You can hide somewhere else.”

“I was hiding in New York, Mom. This is who I am.”

“We spent all that money on education, prep schools, what the hell was the point?” She argued, ruthlessly reminding me of the trouble she’d gone through to raise me.

“Maybe it was so she could figure this out on her own. Jesus Blair, give her some credit. She suffered for all those years just to please us, can’t you see that?” My father had taken a side and from the look on her face, it wasn’t the right one. “And you’re not selling this goddamn house.”

I felt the earth shift as he defied my mother and my pulse began to kick up.

“What in the hell did you just say?” She paled as he leaned forward, his face defiant.

“You heard me. Her happiness comes first, just like yours has for the last thirty-four years of our lives. I won’t let you alienate our little girl. This whole situation is your doing.”

Oh shit.

“Mom,” my voice was shaking. I could feel the rattle begin in my brain. “Look at me, please.”

Hurt and anger coursed through me as I pleaded to keep the situation from escalating further. “Please don’t fight. I never wanted to disappoint you. I love you both so much. Please don’t do this.”

She looked over to me as I begged her once again to try to understand. “I will never live up to what you want me to be. Ever. This won’t change. I’m not changing my mind and I can’t change yours. Don’t ruin what you have with daddy because you think I failed you. He didn’t disappoint you, I did. But I can’t let your ridiculous expectations ruin another minute of my life. If you can’t be proud of me this way, please just leave.”

“Blair, let’s go.”

Blair Vaughn stood five foot, nine inches of relentless beauty and never-ending expectation “The hell I will, we aren’t done talking.”

Twin tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked at my mother and accepted our fate. “I’m done, Mom. Please try to understand. I’m done.”

“We’re leaving. Blair, go get your bags.”

“Daddy, you don’t have to leave. Please, can we please just try to enjoy our time together?”

“We aren’t done discussing this!”

My father turned on her, his eyes cold. “Now, Blair, damn you! This is the last time you make our daughter feel unworthy of your love. Do you hear me? This is the last time. She’s a grown woman and old enough to choose her own happiness. Give it up and go get your things. We’re leaving!”