Someone Else’s Life(6)

She rubbed the side of her head. After the scene with the screaming woman yesterday, she’d popped half a Xanax before driving home and then, as soon as she got to the Ohana, a whole one. And she’d taken a sleeping pill when two glasses of wine hadn’t made her sleepy. Which was why she’d woken up this morning in a fuzzy blur, something that was becoming all too common lately.

Brody was at work, and it was just the two of them. Maybe if they did something fun together, Finn would stop looking at her with those worried eyes.

“Do you want to go to the beach?”

“Yes!” Finn’s face lit up, and for a moment, Annie glowed from the inside. She could do this. She could make her son love her as much as he loved his father.

They changed into their bathing suits and then drove down to Lydgate Beach Park, less than five minutes away. As they walked over the expanse of grass from the car to the beach, some of the chickens that roamed freely all over Kauai followed them. Finn ran next to a mother with three little chicks, and Annie smiled at his delight.

She found a spot for them on the sand, and while she spread the blanket and opened the beach chairs, Finn finally tore himself away from the chicks. He grabbed his pail and shovel and ran to the water’s edge, only about twenty yards away. Annie kept an eye on him as she sat back in her chair, feeling the sun warm her skin and her hair catch the wind. For a second, she closed her eyes, letting the sounds of the ocean wash over her. This was why they had come to Hawaii.

When she opened them again and didn’t see Finn, she shot up straight in the chair. Her heart pounded, and it was just like that day in August: the disorientation, the sweaty palms, and the panic in her body that spread like poison in her veins. Even all these months later, the same feeling of dread made her fingers tingle, her vision darken, as she frantically searched for Finn and called out his name.

Just as she was about to surrender to the darkness, her eyes finally found her son’s familiar form huddled near one of the rock walls. She let out a huge breath but remained rooted to the spot, her hair now blowing wildly around her face. She wanted nothing more than to rush forward and scoop Finn up in her arms, reassuring herself that he was fine. But the panic attack made her immobile.

Would she ever get over this fear of something happening to Finn on her watch? Brody had never once hinted at blaming her, but she knew he must. How did other mothers do it? Look at that woman over there, reading a book and not paying attention to her daughter, who was sitting waist-deep in the water. Granted, the water was calm, since the enclosed ponds created by two rock walls provided a safe haven from the ocean waves, perfect for kids. But anything could happen, and yet the mother just continued reading as if she didn’t have a care in the world.

When she could finally move again, Annie stood up. “Do you want help building a sandcastle?” she shouted to Finn as he came running back to her.

Finn halted, squinting in her direction, and shook his head. They looked at each other for a moment, and she wondered again why being with him was such hard work. She loved her son so much, but she was so awkward with him.

He broke eye contact and walked over to a little girl wading in the water with her father. The children started digging in the sand, and Annie sank back down in her chair. Just then, her phone rang, blaring the theme song from Three’s Company.

It was her father. His gruff voice came over the phone: “Annie-ah? You out?” He always spoke in Taiwanese to his daughters.

“I’m at the beach.” She tucked her hair behind her ears.

“We need eggs.”

Annie waited, but that was all he said. She sighed. Why was it so hard for him to talk to her? Had she inherited this inability to talk to Finn from him? “I’ll pick some up on the way home.”

“Good.” A moment of silence, and then he said, “I’ll make herbal chicken for you tonight. You don’t look good.” And then he hung up without waiting for an answer.

Annie grimaced. She hated the herbal chicken, heavy with cooking wine, that her father thought was the cure-all for everything. She stared at her phone and wondered how it was that her younger sister, Sam, could carry on whole conversations with him, yet he couldn’t even say goodbye to her. But Sam had always been Baba’s girl. Just like their older sister, Jeannie, was Mama’s girl. Which left Annie in the middle, no one’s girl.

Annie looked up as Finn ran toward her, kicking up sand.

“Where’s your new friend going?” she asked him, gesturing toward the girl walking away from the beach with her father.

“She had to go to the bathroom. But we’re going to build a sandcastle when she gets back. She said I could use her big bucket for now.” He pointed to a pile of beach toys near them on the sand.

“That sounds like fun.” Annie gazed at him, marveling again that she and Brody had made such a perfect little boy.

He beamed at her, and her heart gave a leap. “Thanks for coming to the beach with me, Mommy.” He reached out and wrapped his little arms around her neck, and she pulled him in, breathing in the smell of his neck—salt, suntan lotion, and sunbaked little boy.

He pulled away and ran for the big bucket before she could say anything. Annie watched him run past the woman to her left, who was sitting on a blanket with her face shielded by a large floppy hat. Annie put one hand on her heart. Coming to Kauai had been the right decision. Even though Finn still had nightmares, maybe the sunshine and ocean waves would help him, like she hoped they would her.