Someone Else’s Life(38)

“Or maybe it’s because I don’t pay as much attention to my child as I should?” Annie had meant that to come out jokingly, but instead, it fell flat, leaving Serena staring at her in silence for a beat.

“I’m sure that’s not it?” Serena’s sentence ended in a question, much like it had when she’d first showed up at the Ohana, making her sound uncertain. She cleared her throat. “I mean, I know it’s not that.”

“Thanks—you’re good for my psyche.” Idly, Annie played with the ends of her hair, twirling it around her finger. Midtwirl, her hand stilled.

An odd little shiver ran down her spine. What had Serena just said? Her mind spun. Why did she know so much about Annie and her family? Annie was almost sure she hadn’t told her what Brody had bought for Finn. Or had she?





20


Laptop ANNIE file


It’s my son’s birthday today. When I was pregnant, I was sure I’d be one of those ridiculous moms who planned elaborate birthday parties for their babies. I’d invite all the kids we knew and their parents, and have lots of food, cake, and games. Wine and beer for the adults. I’d buy our son presents I knew he’d love, and he’d grow up knowing birthdays are special. Yet here it is, my son’s fourth birthday, and I can’t do anything. I don’t know anything about him. I don’t know what kind of toys he likes, or what movies. I don’t know if he prefers cars, or balls, or arts and crafts. I don’t know anything. But you do. You get to be with him, smiling proudly as he blows out his candles.

I haven’t felt like myself ever since that . . . incident with my son. I can’t even say it. I try not to think about it because otherwise, it would make it true. I know he blames me, and truth is, I think it is my fault. Sometimes I don’t remember doing things. It’s like I wake up and can’t remember my dreams but it’s real life, not a dream. One time, I apparently sold stock in the middle of the night and I didn’t even know I did it until two weeks later, when I got the statement. Another, I made a date with a friend (back when I went out with friends) for lunch and never showed because I didn’t remember doing that.

So maybe what happened with my son was my fault. Maybe I did something and I can’t remember. But how could I have done that? Even if I’d blacked out, wouldn’t I remember if I did something that would have hurt my little boy? Wouldn’t I always protect him, even if I was in a blackout and don’t remember anything? Isn’t that what a good mother would do?

I am a good mother. I am. I just never knew being a parent was so hard. When he was little, he’d cry and cry and I’d cry right along with him because I didn’t know what to do. I thought there was something wrong with him. Then I thought there was something wrong with me. That something was broken in me and that’s why I couldn’t bond with my little boy.

But then I found out the truth. I realized why we never bonded. And I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to tell you the truth, that you’d help me. But people kept telling me I was depressed. They told me I needed help.

I feel better now, being in Kauai. The sun has cleared my head and the mai tais have lifted my mood. My son had a great time at his birthday party, which I didn’t plan. But I was there, watching him play with the kids, eating his favorite foods, and blowing out the candles on his cake. I watched him open his presents, presents that I didn’t buy. But soon, soon, I’ll get to know him again and know what he likes because I’m going to follow through on my plan. He’s the most precious being in the world to me and I’ll do whatever I have to, to get him to love me.





21


“It’s my best friends, the ones I told you about.” Annie held up her phone so that Serena could see the incoming FaceTime call. “They like to check in on me.” She gave her a wry smile. “They want to make sure I’m not about to kill myself or something.”

A tic jumped in the corner of Serena’s right eye, and Annie realized too late that she shouldn’t have made a joke about suicide. Especially after what Serena had confided in her. But before she could apologize, the other woman smoothed a hand over her forehead and said, “Right. Happens to me too. Danny had me hospitalized once because he thought I was going to harm myself.”

“What?” Annie spun around in surprise to fully face Serena. God, she was the worst. She’d just stuck her giant foot in her mouth, making a joke about something that wasn’t funny. She wanted to ask Serena more about what she’d just said, but she had already picked up the call and Izzy’s loud voice distracted her.

“Annie! Are you okay?” he shouted, holding his phone so close to his face that all Annie could see were his perfectly arched eyebrows. “We saw on the news that there’s a huge storm going on there. Flooding and everything. Wanted to make sure you’re okay.”

Annie recoiled from the loud voice and traded a look with Serena. Before she could speak, Izzy bellowed again. “Can you hear me?” He brought the phone up to his face.

Annie winced at Izzy’s high-pitched yell. This close up she could see every pore of his clear brown skin.

“For heaven’s sake, Isaac Michael Griffith, how many times do I have to tell you, you don’t need to yell on FaceTime?” Julia’s face scrunched into a scowl and Annie suppressed her grin. “Get that phone away from your face.”