So Long, Chester Wheeler(52)

When I got back inside the RV, Chester was still speechless. Still wringing and twisting his hands and watching himself do it.

“You okay?” I asked.

“No.”

“Want to talk about it?”

“No.”

But then, a handful of seconds later, he did anyway.

“I made her feel small,” he said. Purely on a volunteer basis. His voice was . . . something I’d never heard from him before. I don’t really know how to describe it. “I never thought she was small. I thought she was everything. But I didn’t tell her that. I didn’t make her feel like she was everything. I only told her things that made her feel small. And I scared her. And I didn’t even get to tell her I was sorry. She got to apologize, but I wasn’t allowed to say anything.”

“Hold that thought,” I said. “Wait right here.”

Which is a ridiculous thing to say to someone who couldn’t move far if you begged him. I was being silly and ridiculous a lot that night. Even more so than usual.

I ran down the steps into the night and sprinted up to Sue’s door. I rapped hard, and breathed hard while I waited.

When she opened the door, she looked peeved.

“Now what?” she barked. “Okay, sorry, but you must admit that seemed like a perfect ending a minute ago. This is becoming the visit that wouldn’t die.”

“Chester has something he needs to say to you.”

“I thought we agreed—”

“Sue,” I said, cutting her off. “I’ve heard this. You want to hear it. Trust me.”

She sighed deeply.

“If you’re wrong,” she said, “I will literally punch you.”

Then she followed me back out to the curb.

When we stepped inside, Chester was still staring at his hands and wringing. But when he saw she was back he looked up, right into her face, and she didn’t look away.

“Tell her exactly what you told me just now,” I said to him. “No ad-libs. No tangents.”

He still was staring straight into her face. She still was not averting her gaze.

“I didn’t think you were small,” he said to her. “I thought the sun rose and set in you. I thought you were everything. But I didn’t make you feel like everything. I made you feel small. And I scared you. I think I scared you because I was so scared all the time. I’m not sure why those two things go together, but it feels like they do. I just think they do.”

“I think they do, too,” she said.

He looked down at his hands again, and I got the strange sensation that he was trying to disappear. Maybe even that he was succeeding.

We hung there near the door together, she and I, in case there was more. He hadn’t actually explicitly said “I’m sorry.” But no more words seemed forthcoming. And the tone and intention of the message had been pretty clear.

When it was obvious he planned to say nothing more, she leaned in, took hold of him by both temples, and kissed him briefly on the forehead.

“However much time you’ve got left,” she told him in a quiet voice, “pack as much living into it as you can.”

She patted me on the cheek as she passed by.

Then she slipped out the door and she was gone.





Chapter Seventeen:




* * *





Chester 1.0

Morning found that Chester was not a changed man. I guess that kind of transformation is always asking too much of the world.

At first he seemed quiet and almost chastened, if a bit complainy.

“I’m tired, Lewis,” he said when I moved him up to the passenger seat.

I wasn’t quite sure how or why, since he’d barely moved for days, but I didn’t question the statement, since I’ve never had cancer.

He seemed to read my mind anyway.

“It’s the moving me around,” he said.

“We can do less of that.”

I belted him in, sat down in the driver’s seat, and started the engine. I let it run awhile to warm up.

“And the lifting myself onto the bedpan.”

“I’ll lift you if I have to.”

“I hate to ask you to do that.”

“We’ll do what we have to do,” I said.

I pulled away from the curb and followed directions on my map app through the city to the I-10, even though I knew he had a big decision to make before we got there. We were actually already headed west, away from home. But there was no need to bring that up.

“I hurt,” he said.

“The painkillers will kick in soon.”

“They don’t give me enough of them. If you would let me take more, it would help.”

“First of all, I can’t let you take more without permission from one of your doctors. Second, if I let you take more, you’ll run out before we get home.”

“Maybe Dr. Walker would phone in a prescription to a pharmacy on the road. If you called his office.”

“It’s not out of the question, but let’s see how you feel after your morning dose kicks in.”

“Yeah, I guess. Okay. Such a long drive home. How long do you think it’ll take?”

“Depends. We have some choices to make.”