So Here’s the Thing…: Notes on Growing Up, Getting Older, and Trusting Your Gut(16)

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It’s funny to recall all my travel bloopers now, but unfortunately I have to impart some serious and relevant lessons to you about them. Because at the time they didn’t feel funny; they felt like life-or-death situations. It’s impossible to avoid messing up while traveling and impossible to avoid it at work, but when the two converge, the stakes multiply. Especially when you work for the president of the United States. (“Especially when you work for the president of the United States” could be my tagline.) On official trips, what might normally have been a mildly embarrassing faux pas, good fodder for dinner party (or book) anecdotes, becomes a misstep that could cause a diplomatic dispute (and cost you your job). There can be severe consequences if you’re insensitive or offensive. Which is the current president’s natural state. We haven’t seen all the repercussions his (presumably) unplanned diplomacy will have, but it’s clear from the stern look plastered on Angela Merkel’s face that he’s undoing so much of the work Obama put in.

Obama traveled the most of any president during a first year in office—ten trips, twenty-one countries. Why did we do this? Because it’s what you do. This is going to sound really obvious, but the Trump presidency has shown that nothing obvious should be taken for granted. It matters which countries you visit and in what order: It’s a show of respect and an acknowledgment of your allies’ position. Contrast that with Trump, who took four trips to sixteen countries in his first year, and still, as of this writing, hasn’t been to Mexico as the president. (His trip as a candidate was deemed a “colossal failure” for Mexicans, according to a Politico article.) There’s also the responsibility present in any foreign travel, the hyperawareness that you’re in another country and have to be respectful of their culture as you’d hope they’d be respectful of yours, which for some reason I don’t think Trump is aware of.

You also have to be prepared for and plan for anything, which I can’t imagine the Trump administration are or does. That Trump tweets from around the world using an unsecured iPhone is another one of those things I have to mention and denounce even though it’s painfully obvious that any time you travel anywhere as an employee of the US government people are watching everything you do, and not necessarily with the safety of you and your country in mind.

The first time I was forced to understand this was on our 2009 trip to Saudi Arabia, which, despite my frantic preparation, I nearly flubbed in a few different ways.

Saudi Arabia was the first trip we were really nervous about—there were so many rules and expectations, particularly for women. Though the only very senior gals on this trip were me and Valerie Jarrett, we received a special packing memo: We had to bring light-colored clothes that totally covered ourselves, and we couldn’t wear open-toed shoes. We would be staying at King Abdullah’s farm (the King Abdullah before this one), but women were not to shake his hand.

As soon as we landed, I had two realizations. The first was that the Saudis had spray-painted all the grass at the farm green. The second was that I’d packed the wrong shoes—the only ones I had demonstrated my piggies very visibly going to market.

I panicked and began shouting. Literally shouting, to everyone in the receiving line, a group that included Denis McDonough and David Axelrod, that I had brought the wrong shoes. It was not the first or last time I’d think, At least I’m wearing pants. The boys did not understand.

Because we were senior officials, VJ and I had to go through the greeting line. I was scrunching my toes in a futile attempt to hide them as POTUS introduced us to King Abdullah. Who immediately stuck out his hand toward me. I was like Cindy Brady when she goes on TV and can only stare in wide-eyed horror at the red light that signals the cameras are rolling. I had no idea what to do. Eventually I shook his hand and scooted off.

I wish I hadn’t panicked in that moment, because I would like to be able to remember if he had soft hands. I think so. As soon as it was more appropriate, I scampered off and began yapping like a Yorkie at Denis McDonough about whether I’d caused irreparable diplomatic damage and was going to get kicked out of the country. Nobody cared about the shoes, which I also forgot about completely.

From there we all went to lunch, where no one would speak to VJ or me, and then to our assigned villas. Within a few minutes, I got an email from VJ saying her villa was full of jewelry. What was she going to do?

I immediately became enraged. Nobody gave me any jewels! I thought with a scowl. Why doesn’t anyone take me seriously?! I emailed her back: I wouldn’t know. I didn’t get jewels. I hated feeling like I was getting less than other people because I was a “kid.”

I was still fuming when she replied to ask if I’d opened the briefcase sitting on the dresser. I had not, but of course it contained a giant ruby-and-diamond necklace, watch, cocktail ring, and bracelet. I put it all on, obviously. I looked like a toddler who broke into a wealthy dowager’s jewelry box.

I ran over to VJ’s (sans jewelry—I wasn’t about to lose a ruby), and we tried to figure out what to do. You can’t accept gifts from foreign governments for many reasons—the big ones being that it can be seen as bribery and that the gifts could be bugged—so we were good Girl Scouts and called Penny, the protocol officer. I felt, I’m not going to lie, a little excited. We were in possession of illicit jewels!

Penny explained that we had to hand over any gifts to the State Department, which would assess their full market value. We could then buy the jewels back at that price. If we didn’t, they would go to auction and the proceeds would be used to pay down a debt of the government. As I did not anticipate ever having enough money to purchase those jewels, I bid them farewell. They didn’t really go with my wardrobe anyway. Even back when I wore J.Crew every day.