Smoke and Steel (Wild West MC #2)(86)

I would deal with them then.

Then I sat, face to knees, having shoved myself in my too-full closet, and I sobbed for what seemed like an eternity.

No Core to hand me tissues.

No Core to clean them up after.

But Core was in every second, every tear, every hiccup, every hitched breath.

All I could think about were his hands on me. His wink. Him setting fence posts into holes with Andy. The mermaid over his heart. Him listening to something Marcy was saying with a smirk on his face. The way his cock felt inside me. The perfect crumble of his cornbread. The lazy look he’d get in those amazing blue eyes when he was high, and how that made me feel happy. Because in that state, he was exposed, and what he exposed was that he was content.

He seemed a man who was right where he wanted to be, and that was with me.

It felt like I cried through every moment with him, every nuance of him, every word he said, laugh we shared, every shout that exposed how much I meant to him from the very beginning.

When I was done, I curled up, mind hazy and adrift.

I was going through the motions.

We’d been together mere months, and I didn’t know how to live without him being there at the end of my day.

I didn’t know how to start another day without him either.

I curled up and slept there, in my closet.

But when I woke, I was back to fury because it was all Core’s fault my body was full of kinks.

More.

I had to start another day without him.

And that was his fault too.





I’d done it because I had no choice. They were freaking out because I was ghosting them.

And yes, I’d had to be vague and cagey.

Which of course set off alarm bells.

But through a text, I told my girls Core and I were through.

They knew I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him so they’d freaked out.

But when I asked, since they loved me too, they gave me space. I knew it wouldn’t last very long, but they gave it.

Which was the only beauty I’d experienced in a week.

And I hated it.

And I hated Core for making me hate it.

But no matter the hate and fury, no matter how hard I tried, what texts I typed to him I never sent, what number of tears I shed, what thoughts I had trying to convince myself it was lucky I found out before I was in too deep.

No matter what, I just couldn’t stop loving him.

And I needed to figure out how to stop loving him.

Because I missed him so badly, I worried it was going to kill me.





21





SHADOWBOXING





Hellen





He came as a surprise.

I sensed it would eventually happen, but the top dog coming himself?

That threw me.

Still, even as I saw Beck lounged in the entryway by the door to my apartment, I didn’t hesitate to pull in, park, shut down, grab my things, get out and walk right his way.

It had been two hundred and sixty-three hours since I ended things with Core.

And now it was time for it to be fully over. For me to assure the President of the Resurrection Motorcycle Club I’d keep my mouth shut about their activities, and we could all move on with our lives.

How I would do that, the moving on with my life part, I had no idea.

Things were not improving.

The girls had stopped giving me space, but I was still asking for it.

Kyra was getting increasingly upset.

Li was getting impatient.

Marcy was getting pissed.

Now Mom had started calling me.

Archie never stopped.

I still wasn’t sleeping. I had so much concealer under my eyes to hide the shadows, I should invest in the company that made it so I might get some of my money back.

Xanthia was freaking out and perhaps wondering if she’d made the wrong decision to accept my offer, because she kept catching me in my office, staring off at nothing.

Food tasted like crap, so I didn’t eat it.

I detested the sunrise.

I abhorred the sunset.

I woke up not knowing how to face the day, and I went to bed scared of another sleepless night.

I’d let it happen.

I’d lost myself to a man.

And I didn’t know how to start the journey back to me again.

I pulled my focus from that to focus on Beck, and something that never occurred to me in the times I’d been around him before hit me.

He was a very handsome man, but he had a huge scar on his face. However, he got it, it was so big, it had to be traumatic.

It wasn’t something you mentioned. Someone who endured something like that, unless they wanted to share, you simply let it be a part of who they were. I didn’t even ask Core after it because it wasn’t any of my business.

Now I wondered how he got that scar.

And I wondered if Janna knew what kind of man he was.

Beck’s gaze on me was careful, but open, rather than scary and threatening, which I had to admit was a bit of shock.

When I got close, I also noticed he was carrying what looked like a binder, his fingers curled under it with it resting on his hip, like guys carried their books to class in high school.

“Hey, Hellen,” he greeted.

“Beck,” I returned tersely.