Silent Victim(47)
His eyes wide with excitement, Jamie had revelled in our bus excursion to Colchester. I felt compelled to use public transport, much to Alex’s relief. I saw the way he had been looking at me, observing my behaviour for clues that I was going mad. I regretted my confession and all the intimate moments when I had discussed my eating disorder, telling him about the voice in my head. Everybody heard voices, and most were like mine, brutal and unkind. I only had to listen to my clients in the bridal shop as they chatted about diets and body image to know where their harshest critics lived. But I had to maintain control. What happened to Jamie must never happen again. As I walked into town, PC Bakewell’s words rebounded in my memory. I would not be so lucky the next time around. For now, Jamie was safely ensconced in nursery school, seemingly none the worse for wear. A flush had risen to my chest as I explained our near miss to Mairead, the nursery head. She had treated me with compassion, offering to hold another teddy bear’s picnic to make up for the one Jamie had missed. Such warmth had not been extended by my husband. I knew he was trying not to blame me for the incident in the car park, but I sensed an underlying resentment just the same.
The problem with having something precious was the very real fear of losing it, and as I checked my phone, I was more aware of that now than ever. I opened up the ‘friend finder’ app to check Alex’s whereabouts, praying that I was wrong. He had said that he would be spending the day in his old office, tying up loose ends before returning to his new role. But the map on my phone stated he was in Costa Coffee in town. I bit my lip as I sent a text.
Jamie’s fine. He loved the bus ride. Did you get to work OK? Love you. XXX
The response was almost immediate, stopping me in my tracks.
That’s great! Yes, no problems. Up to my eyes in it. Speak soon. XXX
My husband was lying to me. Slowly I slipped through the Odeon cinema entrance so as not to be spotted as I cast an eye over the coffee-shop patrons. The two businesses worked in tandem. Alex and I’d had many happy dates here before Jamie was born. But today’s visit was one he had not seen fit to disclose to me. He was taking a chance coming here, relying upon my routine of opening the bridal shop on time. I peeped around the corner to find him sitting on the sofa, his back turned to me as he sat with a blonde woman in an armchair. I tried to make out her features, but from my vantage point, I could only see the top of her head. As their hands touched from across the table, I felt bile rise in my throat. He did not touch colleagues like that. This was too intimate a meeting to be work. My insecurities grew. Was he having an affair? Why else had he lied, saying he was at work? Had my inadequacies pushed him away into the arms of another? Just how long had this been going on? Questions fired in my mind like poison arrows, making me feel sick to the core. Picking up a free newspaper, I slid into a nearby seat. Time was against me. Customers would complain if I opened up late. I peered over the paper, fury blooming inside me as I watched Alex lean in for a hug. It was only as the woman leaned forward that I realised the mystery date was my sister. What was she doing with Alex? Confusion wormed its way into my brain. She hadn’t mentioned this to me. I watched transfixed as they parted, she patting him on the shoulder then Alex touching her arm. I lowered the paper and checked my watch. It was time for me to go.
I had to get to work and act as if it were a normal day. I would decide what to do once I had listened to what she had to say. I did not know which was worse: the thought of them plotting about what to do with me behind my back or finding comfort in each other’s arms. Slipping outside, I could not stop myself from following a little longer. Swerving busy pedestrians, I kept my distance, wondering if Alex and Theresa were making a detour to the shop. Perhaps I had got it wrong. Maybe they were planning a surprise, to take me out for the day. Theresa linked Alex’s arm through hers as she tottered down the street in her new trouser suit and heels. My face soured as they walked the path to Colchester Castle. The place I used to go with Luke. The lilt of laughter carried on the air, and I realised that it was coming from Alex. I had not heard him laugh like that with me in such a long time. I turned away, tears stinging my eyes. Why were two of the people I loved most in the world meeting behind my back? My arms swinging by my side, I strode towards my shop in haste. I would put on a brave face, pretend nothing had happened and wait for them to come to me with the truth.
CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE
ALEX
2017
A sudden stab of guilt hit me as I replied to Emma’s text. I hated deceiving her, but it was nothing compared to the web of lies that she had spun around me. A web I was trying to battle my way through. I told myself that my secret meeting with Theresa was for her own good. All I wanted was to get to the truth. It was my job to help us move on and rebuild our lives. I knew that parenthood meant more than DNA and bloodlines, but I could not bear to discover that someone else had more claim on my son than I. Reaching across the table, Theresa had offered a sympathetic hug, having only an inkling of the tangled mess my marriage had become.
‘Do you mind if I take your arm?’ Theresa said, wobbling slightly as she got to her feet. ‘It’s these daft heels. They’re far too high for me.’
As we made our way down the winding cobbled path, she recalled stories of Emma and the lengths she used to go to when sourcing her bohemian look. Such comments brought comfort, and I laughed as she reminded me of the unique young woman I had fallen in love with in Leeds.