Sign Here(46)
What is your most successful way of receiving instruction?
Kindly
Forcefully
Passive-aggressively
I went for the screen, but Cal beat me to it, pressing B.
“Good to know,” I said.
How receptive are you to humor?
Very, I love a funny companion
Somewhat, I could take it or leave it
Not at all, I prefer serious
Cal and I both tapped A simultaneously.
“Really?” she said. “I couldn’t have guessed.”
If you were stranded on a desert island, what would you bring with you?
Your favorite book
A family photo album
A portable music player
“I wouldn’t bring any of these things,” I said. “I would bring a weapon, or a GPS tracker.”
“I would bring sunscreen,” Cal said. “And whiskey.”
“I guess a book?”
She nodded, and I pressed the button. The floor below us lit up, one perfect square below my feet, one below hers. Mine was blue, hers pink.
“Oh, come on,” she said.
Final Question: Between the two of you, who is in charge?
Blue
Pink
Equality rules!
I hit A, hard and fast. About that, I wouldn’t compromise.
The spinning rainbow returned, stalling and starting. I pulled on my collar.
Welcome to the Sixth Floor!
While here, please obey the following rules:
Follow the instructions of your spirit guide—this is for both your enjoyment and safety!
Show respect: leave our floor the same as you found it!
Absolutely no admittance to the Looking Glass without appropriate clearance.
Have fun!
If at any time you are incapable of following these rules, you will be reassigned to the Downstairs, effective immediately.
There was a crunch, a grinding of gears, and then the screen began its creaking ascent, revealing a gigantic marble hallway lined in gold. It was the most beautiful thing I’d seen in Hell. At least that was what I felt compelled to say, so much so, I almost opened my mouth to say it, but something stopped me. It was beautiful in the way a billboard of a sunset is beautiful, until you take in the graffiti and the concrete buildings and the smell of pee soaking into trash bags piled on the curb, embryonic in the hot sun.
Yes, but.
The sound of slapping on tile stopped me from taking another step.
“Hello, visitors!”
Cal elbowed me, and my jaw dropped as a creature came to a stop in front of us. Whatever it was, it wasn’t a reflection of my spirit. Unless I was even more fucked up than I thought.
“What are you?” Cal asked. She seemed more intrigued than horrified, for which I had to give her credit. She was brave. Perversely so.
“I’m your Sixth-Floor guide. I’m here under the guise of making you feel comfortable, but my primary purpose is to keep you in line and record everything you do and say.”
“Right, but what are you?” Cal asked again. She reached out to touch it, and it didn’t flinch.
“I’m an animal.”
That was an understatement.
From what I could tell, the creature was a combination of all the animals, stitched into one terrifying pet of Frankenstein and put on wheels. One alert dog ear and another ear from a floppy elephant framed its part-bear-part-alligator face, complete with the sort of black glass eyes favored by taxidermists and toy makers, one of which seemed to be pushed from the inside out, giving the eye a precarious dangling effect. Its feet were webbed and orange like a duck’s, and jutted out from a torso lined with enough types of animal skin to decorate a 1970s bachelor pad. Both spiky and soft, it had paws like tiny translucent hands. Just looking at it made me feel slimy and itchy at the same time.
“You sure are,” Cal said, walking around it in a slow circle.
“Stay where I can see you,” it said, and Cal jumped back in front of it, saluting.
“What do we call you?” I asked.
“Doesn’t matter, as long as you call me!”
“Excuse me?”
The creature blinked, an action I wasn’t expecting and didn’t enjoy. “You requested humor.”
Cal laughed. “We did, didn’t we?”
“What is your name?” I clarified, my voice more hesitant than I would’ve liked.
“Security and Information Pod Number 64221H.”