Sign Here(17)

“Do what you want.”

“I don’t want to do any of this.”

“Say it once more, Lil, for the seats in the back.” Silas put his book down on his lap and looked at her.

“You know what I mean.”

“Sure,” he said, and went back to reading.

Lily paused in front of her son’s room. She couldn’t hear anything through the door, but she hadn’t been able to in years. Not since Sean started listening to everything through his gigantic black headphones. One time Silas called them his “Princess Leia look,” and Sean didn’t speak to him for a week.

Lily thought about stopping by Mickey’s room first, to talk about this Ruth girl and see if Mickey really wanted to bring a friend to New Hampshire. But she told Silas she had to talk to Sean, and she did, if she wanted to make her point. She wondered if other moms were this nervous before talking to their teenage sons or if she was the worst one there ever was, and then she knocked.

“Sean?” she said, opening the door a crack after hearing some kind of grunt.

“What?”

Lily opened the door all the way and stepped inside. The room felt smaller than it had when they first bought the house. Sean had covered the walls in pictures of bands Lily didn’t know: men with sour faces and haunted eyes. She would’ve preferred Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue pullouts, which was saying something.

“Did your father talk to you about New Hampshire?”

She knew full well that he hadn’t, but she threw Silas under the bus anyway. Habit.

“I’m packing, Mom. Fuck. Relax.”

“Hey!” Lily said. “Language. And that’s not what I’m talking about.”

Sean shrugged. He didn’t ask her what she was talking about; he just looked back at his screen. He seemed to be doing five things at once.

“Is any of that homework?” she asked from over his shoulder. Sean clicked a couple of buttons, and the screen went black.

“What do you need, Mom?” he asked, looking up at her.

“Your sister is bringing a friend to New Hampshire this year. Your father okayed it without talking to me, so apparently that’s what’s happening now. I’m here to see if you want to bring a friend too.”

Sean cocked his head, and for a second, he looked like he did when he was eight and couldn’t understand how the shark got into the aquarium. But he looked away before Lily could get deep enough into the memory to siphon out any of its flavor.

“Who is she bringing?”

“Ruth Caroway,” Lily said. “Have you met her?” Lily watched as her son caught his own surprise, turned over his own feelings. He thought he was so guarded, but he was the most open person she knew. All she had to do was watch, not listen.

“For the whole summer?”

“The whole time we’re there,” Lily answered. She thought he would be mad, maybe mad enough to make a whole thing out of it and prevent it from happening. But he wasn’t.

“That’s cool,” he said. And then, “Everyone I know is busy this summer.”

“Do you know this girl? Ruth?” Lily asked, leaning against Sean’s desk. She eyed his walls. She could barely see the paint behind the posters. It was light green. She and Silas painted it together, thinking they were elevated for not picking blue.

“Everyone knows her.”

“What does that mean? Is she not . . . is she not a good girl?”

“She’s not a dog, Mom,” Sean said, his eyes back on his screen.

“What?”

“Good girl!” Sean repeated, panting.

“Har har,” Lily said.

“I need to finish my homework.”

Lily could see Silas in his face, particularly in his eyes. She could see parts of herself in him, too, but they weren’t as visible. When Sean was a child, he had blond hair like hers, but not anymore. With each day, she faded from him. Or he from her.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this? You don’t want to bring anyone yourself?”

“I’m set,” Sean said. Lily didn’t know what that meant exactly, except that it seemed like an ending.

“You’ll tell me if you change your mind?”

“I won’t.”

Lily stood over him. She saw where the hairs on the back of his neck matted to his skin under his sweatshirt. She could tell he hadn’t showered, but she didn’t want to push it. She wanted to tuck him in, to find his pajamas with the trucks and the feet, and squeeze him until he was small enough to fit back in them. Even if it hurt him, even if it damn near killed him. She wanted to make him small again.

“Okay, sweetheart. Go to bed soon, all right?”

Sean mumbled and nodded. Lily paused, and then, like a refugee seeking a border, she swooped down and kissed his head. She left before he could react, making sure to close the door behind her.



* * *



—

LILY STOPPED IN THE hallway. Her head was spinning, maybe from the wine at dinner, or from the body spray that seemed to have replaced oxygen in her son’s room. She didn’t want to go back to her bedroom, back to Silas. She wanted to call Gavin. She reached into her bathrobe pocket and pulled out her phone.

“Do you have the delivery schedule?” she texted, and then she walked downstairs. The kitchen still smelled like spices and seafood. Lily turned on the faucet and rinsed dishes, putting them in the dishwasher. The kitchen gleamed in the darkness, stainless steel and ceramic tile. She felt a buzz in her pocket and grabbed for her phone. It was Gavin. She exhaled and slunk out the front door onto the porch.