Shadow Kiss (Vampire Academy #3)(76)

I told him then about Anna possibly "catching" Vladimir's insanity. I also explained Adrian's aura observations. He turned his gaze back on me, expression speculative.

"Have you told anyone else about this? Lissa? Your counselor?"

"No," I said in a small voice, unable to meet his eyes. "I was afraid of what they'd think."

He squeezed my hand. "You have to stop this. You aren't afraid of throwing yourself in the path of danger, but you're terrified of letting anyone in."

"I... I don't know," I said, looking up at him. "I guess."

"Then why'd you tell me?"

I smiled. "Because you told me I should trust people. I trust you."

"You don't trust Lissa?"

My smile faltered. "I trust her, absolutely. But I don't want to tell her things that'll make her worry. I guess it's a way of protecting her, just like keeping Strigoi away."

"She's stronger than you think," he said. "And she would go out of her way to help you."

"So what? You want me to confide in her and not you?"

"No, I want you to confide in both of us. I think it'd be good for you. Does what happened to Anna bother you?"

"No." I looked away again. "It scares me."

I think the admission stunned both of us. I certainly hadn't expected to say it. We both froze for a moment, and then Dimitri wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest. A sob built up in me as I rested my cheek against the leather of his coat and heard the steady beating of his heart.

"I don't want to be like that," I told him. "I want to be like everyone else. I want my mind to be ... normal. Normal by Rose standards, I mean. I don't want to lose control. I don't want to be like Anna and kill myself. I love being alive. I'd die to save my friends, but I hope it doesn't happen. I hope we all live long, happy lives. Like Lissa said - one big happy family. There's so much I want to do, but I'm so scared ... scared that I'll be like her.... I'm afraid I won't be able to stop it..."

He held me tighter. "It's not going to happen," he murmured. "You're wild and impulsive, but at the end of the day, you're one of the strongest people I know. Even if you are the same as Anna - and I don't think you are - you two won't share the same fate."

It was funny. I'd often told Lissa the same thing about her and Vladimir. She'd always had a hard time believing it, and now I understood. Giving advice was a lot harder than following it.

"You're also missing something," he continued, running a hand over my hair. "If you are in danger from Lissa's magic, then at least you understand why. She can stop using her magic, and that'll be the end of it."

I pulled away slightly so I could look at him. Hastily, I ran my hand over my eyes in case any tears had escaped.

"But can I ask her to do that?" I said. "I've felt how it makes her feel. I don't know if I can take that away from her."

He regarded me with surprise. "Even at the cost of your own life?"

"Vladimir did great things - so could she. Besides, they come first, right?"

"Not always."

I stared. I'd had they come first drilled into me since I was a child. It was what all guardians believed. Only the dhampirs who'd run away from their duty didn't subscribe to that. What he said was almost like treason.

"Sometimes, Rose, you have to know when to put yourself first."

I shook my head. "Not with Lissa." I might as well have been with Deirdre or Ambrose again. Why was everyone suddenly challenging something that I'd held as absolute truth my entire life?

"She's your friend. She'll understand." To make his point, he reached forward and tugged at the chotki peeking out underneath my sleeve, his fingertips brushing my wrist.

"It's more than that," I said. I pointed to the cross. "If anything, this proves it. I'm bound to her, to protect the Dragomirs, at all costs."

"I know, but ..." He didn't finish, and honestly, what could he have said? This was becoming an old argument, one without a solution.

"I need to get back," I said abruptly. "It's past curfew."

A wry smile crossed Dimitri's face. "And you need me to get you back or you'll get in trouble."

"Well, yeah, I was kind of hoping...."

We heard some rustling near the door of the sanctuary, and Father Andrew walked in, which definitely ended our session. He was getting ready to shut down the chapel. Dimitri thanked him, and then the two of us headed back to the dhampir dorm. Neither of us spoke along the way, but it was a comfortable silence. It was weird, but since his outburst outside the med clinic, I felt like something had intensified between us, as impossible as that seemed.

Dimitri got me past the woman at the front desk, and just as I was about to head off for my wing, a guardian named Yuri walked by. Dimitri called to him.

"You've been working with security, haven't you? When was the last time they laid new wards?"

Yuri considered. "A couple days ago. Why?"

Dimitri gave me a meaningful look. "Just curious."

I nodded to Dimitri to show that I understood his point, and then I went off to bed.