Seven Years to Sin(78)

“Alistair …” Her lower lip quivered and she bit it, tasting blood.

“You’re afraid,” he accused.

“Aren’t you? It is the worst state of mind in which to make life-altering decisions.”

His nostrils flared. “You cannot live without me, either, Jess.”

She couldn’t; she knew that. She hoped she wouldn’t have to. But they both had to be certain. “Hester needs me now. I can’t leave her.”

“But you can leave me.”

“You are much stronger than she is.”

“I still need you!” he bit out, enunciating every word. “She has Regmont and Michael and you. I only have you. You are the only one who takes care of me; the only one who thinks of my happiness first and last and always. If you leave me, Jess, you leave me with nothing.”

“I’ll never leave you,” she whispered. “But that doesn’t mean I should be with you.”

Jess knew he could see on her face how she felt about him, how she breathed for him. But love was supposed to be selfless, despite his protestations to the contrary. Their marriage could irrevocably damage his relationship with his mother, the only person aside from Jess who loved him truly. If he was willing to take that risk, she would take it with him, but he wasn’t acknowledging it now. He was rushing forward without thought, defiant in the face of a future he didn’t want.

“Jess.” His gaze was as hard as gemstone. “I knew you were mine the moment I saw you. Young as I was, I still had no doubt. I never married, never even considered for a moment all the merchant and landowner daughters who were set in my path, bearing sizable dowries and advantageous alliances. I spurned them all, certain you would one day belong to me. It was unfathomable to me that you wouldn’t be. I would have waited two score years for you. Double that. You cannot ask me now to proceed with my life without any possibility of having you. I might as well be dead.”

“Don’t misunderstand me.” Her voice gained the strength of her conviction. “I am not going anywhere. I won’t be seeking anyone. I will be here with Hester.”

“Waiting?”

“No. I cannot. That will hold you back.” She tugged at the ruby on her finger, feeling as if she were cutting out her own heart with a dull blade.

“Enough.” Dropping his hat, Alistair lunged for her, staying her before the gold band slipped free of her fingertip. He pushed the ring back on, his forehead touching hers. His breath came quick and shallow, gusting over the tip of her nose. “Make me understand.”

“First, you must know that I understand.” She clutched his hand, willing him to absorb all the strength and love she had. “I thought of how I would feel if I were forced to give you up to spare someone I loved, and how much more unfair it would be if Hadley benefited in any way from that sacrifice.”

“I am not giving you up, Jess. I won’t. I can’t.”

“Shh … I’ve inferred what you have left unsaid about your mother and Masterson. I collect how it must have been—the illusion of acceptance and understanding broken by carefully rendered cuts and barbs. He has never allowed your mother to forget her transgression or how much it’s cost him, has he? And she has been burdened with guilt and remorse for all of your life. She’s allowed him to wound her in countless tiny ways as penance. And you have watched it all transpire, and suffered your own feelings of blame and regret.”

“You inferred all that, did you?” He cupped her tense jaw with heartrending tenderness.

“You are very protective of her, to your own detriment. One doesn’t seek to protect something that isn’t in danger of being broken.”

Alistair brushed his thumb across her cheekbone. “My mother is so strong willed and assertive, except when it comes to this. To me.”

She leaned into his touch. “It isn’t you, my love. You are not at fault. Consider it carefully … There are ways to prevent conception for both men and women. If she was simply addressing her physical needs, wouldn’t she be prepared? And her lover also?”

“What are you saying?”

“Perhaps your mother had a grand passion. A whirlwind affair. A sexual craving that drowned out all thought and reason. Perhaps that is why she feels such shame.”

“She loves Masterson. God knows why.”

“And I love you, with abandon, to a degree I have never felt with anyone else. And yet there were times when I lost my head with Tarley; times when I felt as if I would go mad if he didn’t touch me.”

He covered her lips with his fingers. “Say no more,” he said gruffly, but his gaze was soft.

“You, too, know that fierce sexual pleasure can come without love. If I am correct, it would help to explain your mother’s need to be penitent.” She grasped the wrist of the hand he stroked her with, squeezing gently in a silent offer of support. “It’s also possible that she secretly desired to conceive again. If she’d tried to arouse Masterson for a length of time prior to his decision to ignore her indiscretions, she might have felt less of a woman. Perhaps she wondered if Masterson’s inability to become aroused was in some way her fault. There are many possibilities for the tension you’ve witnessed. None of them have anything to do with you.”

He stared into her, seeing how and why she commiserated with his mother. She’d suffered through her own feelings of despair and inadequacy.