Seven Years to Sin(55)

“Jess …”

She heard the scrape of chair legs atop the sole behind her; then firm hands gripped her shoulders the second before she bent down to grab the neck of a bottle.

“Hearing how I feel about you drives you to drink?” he asked with his lips to her ear.

“No. Being selfish enough to feel glad about it does.”

“I want you to feel selfish about me.”

Jess shook her head violently. “Love is selfless. Or it is supposed to be.”

“For some, perhaps. You and I have had so much taken from us. It is as it should be for us to take from each other.”

Closing her eyes, she leaned her head back against his shoulder. His arms came around her, and she placed her hands over his. “You have many siblings. You must want a large family of your own?”

“If we are going to discuss my family, we’ll need that claret.”

He walked away. Jess grabbed a bottle and straightened. When she turned around he was pulling two goblets out of the small chest by the cabin door.

She put the wine on the table and sat. Alistair set the glasses down, then pulled the cork from the bottle. He left the claret to breathe and settled back in his chair, eyeing her in a manner that was both examining and contemplative.

She waited patiently.

“Have you never wondered why Masterson’s paternal traits exerted themselves so strongly in my brothers, yet I am the mirror of my mother?”

“One doesn’t question such blessings.”

The compliment earned a small smile from him.

“So,” she said. “I surmise Masterson isn’t your father.”

“And you do not care,” he noted softly.

“Why would I?”

“Jess …” He gave a perfunctory laugh. “I feared telling you, you know. You are so renowned for your adherence to propriety; I thought you might think less of me.”

“Impossible. But did your brothers think less of you? Do you not still feel close to Albert?”

“It was never an issue with my brothers, no. But Masterson … I cannot please him.” The lack of inflection in his voice betrayed deeper emotions. “Personally, I no longer care, but my mother frets over the distance between us. If I could ease her mind, I would, but it isn’t something I can change apparently.”

“That’s unfortunate for him.” Finally, she understood why Masterson had been so reluctant to assist Alistair in making his own way in the world. “He is denying himself a fine son.”

Alistair gave her a bemused shake of his head. “I’m still astonished at your nonchalance. I should warn you—every time you accept a dirty secret I share with you, I grow more and more determined to keep you. It seems nothing I say can turn you away from me.”

Warmth unfurled in her chest. “Someone has to keep you out of mischief.”

“Only you are up to the task.”

“I should hope so, for your sake.”

“Why, my lady, I could swear that was a warning of some sort.”

Jess adopted a stern expression. “I value steadfastness and loyalty, Mr. Caulfield.”

“As do I.” His fingertips drummed atop the table. “I once believed Masterson truly loved my mother deeply, and that she felt similarly toward him. He allowed her to keep me and claimed me as one of his own, despite the way it eats at him, because he knew she would never forgive him if he forced her to give me up. But now …”

When he faltered, she prompted, “Now … ?”

Exhaling harshly, he said, “I appreciate the not-inconsiderable difference in their ages. I understand how that impacts Masterson’s physical ability to maintain marital intimacy. But, by God, I could not turn a blind eye to your seeking the relief of your sexual needs elsewhere and call my disregard ‘love.’ I would see to you in other ways—my mouth, my hands, implements of pleasure … whatever was at my disposal. I keep what’s mine, and I do not share.”

“Perhaps neither of them know how to broach the subject. I wouldn’t judge them too harshly.”

“Promise me that you will feel free to discuss any topic with me.”

It was a remarkably painless promise to commit to. He made it so easy for her to unveil herself just by the way he looked at her. Benedict had regarded her in the same manner, but he had asked no questions. His affection had been quietly given, with no liens or expectations. Alistair’s demands were greater and far more comprehensive. But so, then, were the boundaries of his acceptance.

She nodded her acquiescence to his request.

He gestured at the parchment in front of her. “A letter?”

“To my sister. Telling her about my travels thus far.”

“Have you mentioned me?”

“I have.”

Pleasure brightened his eyes. “What did you say?”

“Oh, I’m not done yet.”

“You have so much to relay?”

“That, and I must exercise care in how I relay it. After all, I did warn her away from you.”

“Selfish girl.”

Jess stood and rounded the table. His gaze followed her as she approached, watching her with open, heated appreciation. Setting one hand on his shoulder, she brushed his dark hair back from his forehead and pressed a kiss there.