Satisfaction Guaranteed(32)

She laughs, then it fades, replaced by a tinge of resignation. “Malone, I love the idea, but there are a million reasons we can’t do that.”

But I’m a persistent bastard. Especially when something as life-sustaining as a climax is at stake. “To come or not to come. That is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous faking. Or to take arms against a sea of non-climaxes and by opposing end them.”

Her laughter bubbles up again. “Okay, so you’re trying to convince me by Hamleting me.”

“Because this is a very Shakespearean tale. You not coming is a tragedy.” I grab her hand, clasp it. “But we can rewrite it.”

“How? Isn’t it going to be difficult?”

“Well, not as difficult as unearthing the Sinatra bootleg album of him singing at the Avalon Ballroom. Easier than locating a three-hundred-year-old shipwreck off the coast of the Florida Keys.”

She rolls her eyes. “I’m glad you think finding my lost O is easier than tracking down the buried treasure of Frank Sinatra.”

“I’ve been hunting that one for years. But all the guys who make trades are shady, so I haven’t found it yet.” I run my hand down her stomach. “But your climax? That I can absolutely do. Give me a week, and I’ll have you curling your toes, clutching the sheets, and arching your back.” I take a beat, giving her my best sultry stare. “You’ll be purring, Sloane.”

Her eyes twinkle like she enjoys that prospect. “I do want to purr. I definitely do.” She sighs. “But what about the one-night-only thing?”

I slam a fist on the bed. Time for another impassioned speech. “None of that matters. This is a triage mission, woman. Don’t you get it? I have a higher calling. Making you come is literally all that matters.”

“How are you going to get my purr back?”

“Lessons. I’m going to give you lots of lessons. I will be your butler delivering you Os on demand. Your concierge at the five-star hotel of the meaning of life. Because that’s what orgasms are.”

She slides closer to me. “You’re saying we’re staying in Tahiti at Malone’s Luxury Resort of Earth-Shattering, Spine-Tingling, Toe-Curling Os?”

“It’ll be the best trip you ever take.”

I slide my way down her body, kissing her belly as I go. When I reach the top of her mound, she’s wriggling against me. “Are you starting tonight?” she whispers, a hopeful look in her brown eyes.

I laugh and move back up to her face, dropping a kiss to her lovely lips. “No way.”

She pouts. “Why not?”

“Sweetheart, for a project this important, a man does not start without reinforcements. We will begin on Monday.”

“Then, for the first time ever, I’m really looking forward to a Monday.”





25





Sloane Elizabeth’s Post-It Note for Sunday’s Important Tasks

1. Go underwear shopping.



2. See #1.



3. Also, consider massage, yoga, meditation, and any other techniques for shutting off that annoying brain that’s getting in the way.



4. Ooh! Idea! Tickle the pink ivories before you see him. No pressure then, right?



5. Make time for #4.



6. Text Piper and tell her everything.





*



Sloane: So that’s everything.



Piper: And that’s interesting. Can we call it Project No More Thing?



Sloane: How about we refer to it as Eradicate the Orgasm Thief?



Piper: That does have a nice ring to it. Or maybe just Reversing the Thing?



Sloane: The Thing Reversal?



Piper: Love it. It feels like something that happens in a superhero movie when he has to turn back time to change the fate of the world.



Sloane: Yes, the future of humanity and climaxes have a lot in common.



Piper: Both are noble causes. However, I have one piece of advice . . .



Sloane: Of course. ;)



Piper: I’m an advice giver. It’s what I do!



Sloane: It’s what you do so well!



Piper: Here goes: have an open mind.



Sloane: Trust me—the mind isn’t closed. The mind may even be too open. Too much is going through it at that critical moment.



Piper: What I mean is this—if this man is really committed to giving you pleasure, see what you can do to get there too.



Sloane: Like herbs, mantras, chants, voodoo, offerings, séances, and Ouija boards?



Piper: That, and maybe also just letting go of some of the past.



Sloane: Past what? What past am I clinging to?



Piper: Past boyfriends, sweetie. Let’s be honest. You’ve dated kind of selfish pricks.



Sloane: Whoa. Tell me what you really think.



Piper: I’m just being blunt.



Sloane: AS YOU DO.



Piper: Why, thank you. *curtsies* Look, you know I’ve never been fond of your exes. You tend to go for guys who are a little distant, a little removed.