Satisfaction Guaranteed(19)

Malone: That is true. But I won’t be much use at the singing one if I’m late. I’ll simply pretend you’re in the front row and I’m singing to you to celebrate the BIG, HUGE, AWESOME . . . donation.



Sloane: You want me to come by and celebrate?



Malone: Let’s be honest. A big, huge donation is celebration-worthy. We need to toast to it.



Sloane: Don’t you think that would be dangerous though? As in tempting?



Malone: We lasted a week together in the office and didn’t maul each other. Clearly, we’re 100 percent in the friend zone.



Sloane: Is that so? A minute ago you asked me to lick you.



Malone: And now I’m cured. I see you as an undangerous, untempting, completely un-risky colleague. :)



Sloane: It’s the same for me. I suppose, then, as an un-temptress, I could come see you.



Malone: Now you’re talking. And with you as an un-vixen, we can celebrate.



Sloane: Is anyone else going?



Malone: Hopefully everyone in New York. I enjoy a packed house. But if you’re asking if you can have me to yourself to celebrate, the answer is yes. Seems fitting, since you were the one who encouraged me to go the Michael Bublé route.



Sloane: True. And you encouraged me to start a rescue.



Malone: And here we are, thanks to each other. Seems we have double to celebrate.



Sloane: I am grateful, Malone. No joking, no teasing. I am so grateful for your encouragement years ago.



Malone: I am too, Sloane. So much.



Sloane: One drink sounds lovely.



Malone: I promise I won’t let you kiss me again, even if you try.



Sloane: Please. I can resist you.



Malone: Of course you can.



Sloane: You don’t think I’m able to?



Malone: Just teasing. I have utter faith in your abilities. So much so that I’m not afraid to sing my sexiest, swooniest numbers in front of you tonight.





14





Sloane Elizabeth’s Voice Memo to Self on Ten Things You Must Remember Tonight

1. One drink only.



2. No flirting. Absolutely no flirting.



3. Especially not if Malone is panty-meltingly gorgeous and sexy when he sings. Like he was that night he sang “Isn't It Romantic?” doing karaoke, and you pretty much turned into a puddle of liquid silver lust on the floor.



4. Wear something sensible so you don't feel sexy. Like a paper bag, a burlap sack, or a sumo wrestler costume. All of these are acceptable outfits. Please also consider wearing a pair of onesie pajamas, because there is literally nothing less sexy on the entire planet than giant footsie pajamas on an adult.



5. Also, perhaps slippers?



6. Don’t shave legs or armpits. That’s basically anti-sex armor right there.



7. If all else fails, just think of Dad. Remember how he would feel if he knew.



8. Shudder. Cringe. Just erase all mention of that person from your head right now.



9. Remember you made it through the first week of working with the hot vet, and you can do anything.



10. But he’s also a hot singing vet who’s clever, sexy, and charming. How the hell are you going to pull this off? Text Piper. Even if she’s out of town for the evening, clearly you need her reinforcement.





*



Piper: Hey, sexy lady!



Sloane: Wait. Do I look sexy?



Piper: You always look sexy, even though . . . what exactly are you wearing in that photo? Ohh! Is that a black turtleneck? Are you channeling the ghost of Steve Jobs? Because stop. Just stop.



Sloane: I'm going to see Malone play at Gin Joint, and I’m trying to be unappealing.



Piper: Ohhhhhhhhhh.



Sloane: What was that ohhhhhhhhhh for? That it’s working—my unattracti-fying—or something else?



Piper: Gee. I don't know. What do you think it was for?



Sloane: I’ll be good! I’ve seen him for the last week, and it's been completely fine. It's not like my heart flutters wildly when I see him. It's not like my brain flips back in time and remembers how it was. It's not like he is as sweet and funny and flirty and sexy as he was the very first night I met him.



Piper: So it's super easy? And in fact, the socks you made to recognize your accomplishment really do ring true? By the way, I bought them for a few clients, as well as myself.



Sloane: What was the slogan again?



Piper: My hands are tired from patting myself on the back.



Sloane: Ha! That’s right. So true.



Piper: So you patted yourself on the back for one week. And now you’re going to see him sing. Question: do you want your ovaries to explode tonight?



Sloane: Question: why do people say “exploding ovaries” at all? That sounds incredibly painful. It doesn’t sound positive.