Satisfaction Guaranteed(13)

“Because you hired us,” Jonathan puts in. “And despite your weird taste in music, you’re mostly a cool guy.”

“Gee, thanks. Also, old standards are not weird.”

“They’re kind of weird. But you know what I mean,” he adds with a casual shrug. “You’re easy to talk to.”

“Plus, you say yes to things like pizza Fridays, and you give us movie tickets,” Sam adds.

I blow on my fingers. “I am kind of amazing.” Then I take a more serious tone. “It’s going to be fine. I’ll still be here, we’ll keep working on our plans for the practice, and you can still ply me for movie gift certificates, and because I’m such a pushover, I’ll probably keep saying yes.”

Sam puts on a big, gleaming grin. “Cool. Can I also have a gift card for that new coffee house? Because they have awesome pour-overs.”

“You’re such a hipster,” I say, shaking my head. “Also, Sloane is twenty-nine, so she’s close to your age. I’m sure you can discuss your dubstep Scandinavian EMD music with her.” I shudder at the thought of such tunes.

Sam pumps a fist. “Yes! Woman power!”

“Look, the bottom line is this: we want you to be ruler of this place someday,” Jonathan says.

“And we’ll keep working toward that,” I say.

“And when you’re in charge of everything, can you pay for me to go to vet school? Pretty please?” Jonathan takes a quick breath, like he’s nervous to make this request.

But it’s a no-brainer. That’s exactly what my dad would do. I clap his shoulder. “If you stay on board, yes, I will do that.”

His eyes turn to moon pies. “Shit. Are you for real?”

“Sure. You’re damn good at this. I know you’ve been studying for vet school. It’s a huge undertaking, but incredibly rewarding, and I believe you’d be a great vet.”

“And you’d pay for it? Hell, I just threw that out there, just in case, but I didn’t think you’d catch it.”

I mime catching a ball. “Consider it caught.” I turn to Sam. “Who have we got today?”

Sam hands me a chart, chuckling under her breath. “Janice Clarke is worried that her dog Ruby is, well . . . she has this toy monkey and . . .” Sam whispers the rest of it.

I nod. “Ah, got it.”

Jonathan and I head into the exam room where Janice is wringing her wrinkled hands and pursing her lips.

“Hey, Janice. How’s our sweet Ruby-cakes today?” I ask, bending down to pet the wiggly dachshund mix.

“Oh, she’s fine, Dr. Goodman. She’s just fine. Except for one little thing.”

“What’s going on with Ruby?”

The woman’s cheeks turn cotton-candy pink. “She likes to, um, well, she likes to . . .” Janice lowers her head, takes a deep breath.

I pet Ruby’s back. “She has special feelings for this monkey? Is that it?”

Janice snaps up her gaze. “Yes! Exactly!”

I smile. “So you’ve got a dog who’s overly affectionate with a stuffed toy.”

“Yes,” Janice says, cringing. “But, Doctor, she won’t stop. She just keeps going at it. She drags the monkey off the shelf, she brings it to the bed, and she just, well, you know . . . for several minutes. She loves her stuffies. She sleeps with them, plays with them, even watches the washing machine when they go in there.”

“Seems like Ruby’s quite dedicated to her toys.”

“But why is she engaging in this behavior with the monkey? She’s a girl dog. I don’t understand. Is she gender-confused?”

“That’s not how it works, Janice. Canines are quite binary in their mating.”

“And she’s been fixed too!”

“Does she seem stressed or anxious?” I ask, and we briefly discuss and rule out other possible motives.

“Why is she doing this, then?” Janice asks.

“The same reason people do it.”

“Do you mean . . .?” Her hand flies to her chest, and she whispers, “I don’t hump a monkey.”

“I don’t either,” Jonathan mouths, and I shoot him a side-eye glance.

“Your dog is masturbating,” I tell Janice. “Since nothing seems wrong with her, she’s likely doing it because it feels good.”

A sheet of pure mortification slides over her face. “My dog is a pervert?”

I laugh, shaking my head. “No. She’s normal. It’s one hundred percent normal behavior. Both altered and intact dogs do it, and it’s not limited to males. Females do it too, and many dogs also exhibit courtship behavior toward the stuffed animals, or whatever the object of affection is.” I turn to Jonathan. “Perhaps you can explain what that is.”

Jonathan clears his throat. “It’s when the dog’s tail goes up and her ears rotate backward. They may also lick and paw. Also, when they perform pretend bows. Play bows. That’s all part of it.”

Janice gasps. “She does all of that.”

I clap her shoulder. “Then you have a very normal dog. If you don’t like it, perhaps take the monkey away from her.”

Janice shudders. “But she loves the monkey.”