Running Wild(Wild #3)(4)

But given where we’re located, on the far western fringe of the borough, away from the busy hub and closest to Alaska’s dogsled mecca, we’ve always had enough clients and patients to keep Cory and me busy. Sometimes I call my father in to lend a hand. I hazard Dr. Sidney Lehr appreciates venturing away from his riveting games of solitaire and Mom’s fussing every so often.

Sure, the lobby could use a refresher—a coat of paint, brighter light fixtures, and more colorful lobby chairs, a new receptionist counter to replace the clunky one my mother sat behind with an infant me on her lap, and sturdier shelving for the small selection of specialty dog and cat food we carry—but I’ve focused my efforts on the back of the clinic, ensuring I have the latest equipment to do my job. Pretty chairs and freshly painted drywall don’t save animals.

I check the clock. It’s one p.m. on Sunday, the sun is shining, and there are no patients in the clinic to worry about. I have the entire afternoon to do … something before dinner at my parents’ tonight. Maybe I’ll grab my cross-country skis and head up to Hatcher Pass to—

“Oh! Before I forget!” Cory beckons me to the computer monitor with a wave of her hand. “I’m going to print this out and put it up there.” With a nod toward the clinic staff’s photo gallery wall, she mutters under her breath, “To replace your mug shot.”

I chuckle as I pass the picture in question. I’m grimacing more than smiling, my complexion is sickly thanks to my white smock and poor studio lighting, and my mascara is smeared from the downpour, but the photographer didn’t tell me! Sadly, it was the best of the lot that day, and we chose it as a temporary joke that has now survived ten years.

I round the desk just as Cory’s clicking on an email from Calla.

“I mean, you’re beautiful, anyway, but this”—she gestures toward the candid shot of me in my black evening gown, standing on the frozen lake outside Jonah and Calla’s house—“is incredible. Whoever they hired to photograph the wedding was, like, amazing. I need their number for Joe and me.” She adds quietly, “If he ever gets around to proposing.”

A twinge stirs in my chest as I study the genuine smile that crinkles my eyes. I remember when that picture was taken. I was watching Jonah shift from foot to foot as Calla strolled down the snowy path toward the red-carpeted aisle on the ice, as if he might implode if he had to survive not being married to her for one more second.

At that moment, I was thrilled for my best friend. Jonah has found the woman he’s going to spend the rest of his life with—of that, I have no doubt. Those two couldn’t be more different and yet more perfect for each other.

My happiness for him is what the photographer captured.

But I wonder … if that lens had snapped the center of my gaze, would anyone be able to decipher the mourning that still lingers deep within, over a dream long since proven a delusion, a fictional love story that will never evolve into reality? Jonah may have been it for me, but I am never going to be the one for him.

A soothing palm pats my arm, and I turn to find Cory’s round face brimming with compassion. She knows this unrequited tale better than anyone. She’s been here for its life span. I was dating Jonathan when Cory began working here. She squealed with excitement the day I showed up at the clinic with a ring on my finger. She watched me suppress my excitement every time I left for Bangor and ignore my conscience every time I returned. She knew I was going to end things with Jonathan before he did. My trusty employee has been through it all with me—the thrill and guilt of falling for Jonah, and the soul-crushing heartache of watching him fall in love with someone else.

“I am only happy for him. For them,” I reiterate for what feels like the hundredth time. I even find myself liking my best friend’s wife—God, Jonah has a wife! He’s married!—more and more with each encounter, despite our differences in lifestyle and personality.

“I know you are. Because you’re a decent human being and a good friend.” Cory adds more softly, “But you are human, Marie, and you don’t always have to be so composed and understanding. It’s also okay to admit that it hurts. You were in love with him for years, and that’s not a tap you can just turn off. You’re not a kitchen faucet.”

I snort at her analogy. “Yeah, well, the time for that hurt is long gone. Jonah’s married, and he’s too important to me to let it ever get in the way again. I’ve accepted that.” A part of me recognized it long ago, in those months after Wren passed away and Calla left for Toronto, when I watched him drowning in misery. I could have attempted to fill the cavernous void in his heart with myself, with what I wanted for us. I can’t lie—I considered taking advantage of his despair, tried convincing myself it could work, that I could be a suitable replacement.

But that voice in my head, the one that reminded me I would never be his first choice, was louder.

So, with a gnawing ache in my chest, I sent him a booking page for the next commercial flight to Toronto and told him he was an idiot if he let Calla get away without a fight. I had secretly hoped she would reject him, or that she wouldn’t but what they had would fizzle, that Jonah’s interest would wane, his goals in life pulling him in another direction. In my direction.

He ran to her and hasn’t looked back since.

And aside from one moment of weakness that I still deeply regret, when Calla seemed miserable in Alaska and their priorities seemed too vastly different to find a path forward together, I have never considered telling Jonah how I truly feel about him again.