Rock Bottom Girl(57)

“All right, gang. You know the drill,” I said, leading the way into the kitchen. I’d at least made an effort to shovel some of the trash and old leftovers into the garbage can before everyone arrived. Bill dug out my ever-present stack of paper plates and doled them out.

Why use dishes if you just have to wash them? I was basically the Mark Zuckerberg of kitchens.

“I really thought you’d clean up your act now that you have a girlfriend,” Mrs. Gurgevich mused, unwrapping the sashimi and shooting a side-eye at the overflowing trash can in the corner.

“If you haven’t tamed me yet, how can you expect any other woman to?” I teased.

“Do you think she’ll survive the Hooper Horror?” Floyd asked, grabbing a spoonful of the pulled pork that I’d picked up from the barbecue joint.

“I just got a royalty check in the mail. I’m willing to use it to pay her legal fees if it gets that sociopath out of my fifth period,” Mrs. Gurgevich said.

“Royalty check for what?” Bill asked.

“Marley can’t really get into trouble, can she? I mean from what I hear, Lisabeth basically assaulted another girl. How’s that going to blow back on Mars?” I asked, stuffing a piece of jerky in my mouth.

“Never underestimate the power of parents who think their children are perfect and special,” Mrs. Gurgevich snorted.

Uncle Max was staring at me openmouthed.

“What?” I asked, dumping the plastic utensils on the counter.

“You have a girlfriend?” he demanded. “Like an actual human woman who agreed to be in a relationship with you?” Uncle Max was not good at keeping up with gossip. I took after him in that aspect.

“No, she’s a blow-up doll I met at a porn store,” I said. “Yes, a human woman. Is that so hard to believe?”

“Yes,” they all answered in unison.

“Funny. Real funny. We gonna play cards or gossip all night?”





“You should invite her over,” Uncle Max said, reorganizing the cards in his hand.

“Huh? Who?” I asked, eyeballing my pair of ladies.

“Marley,” Floyd said. “Does she play?”

Christ. They weren’t letting this go. Even after Homer came down and did his table and lap surfing for scraps, they were still talking about me having a girl.

I threw my chips in. “I dunno.”

“How do you not know if she plays poker?” Bill asked.

“Because we just started dating. We’re taking things slow. She hasn’t even been inside the house yet,” I said. She’d picked me up last night for celebratory Taco Bell, but I’d been waiting outside. I may have been used to the mess. But that didn’t mean I was comfortable with it.

“Slow?” Gurgevich sat with an unlit cigarette dangling from her posy pink lips. “You? Ha!”

“Yes, me. Jesus, you guys make me sound like a manwhore or something,” I grumbled.

“I think you should invite her over tonight,” Uncle Max insisted.

“You’re just saying that because then you can tell Uncle Lew that you met her and he didn’t.”

“I see no problem with that,” he sniffed.

“She’s a cool gal,” Floyd said. “Seems like the kids are warming up to her a bit. I mean, except for when she got red eyes and a cloud of smoke came out of her nose at Hooper yesterday.”

“Are you protecting her from us or us from her?” Mrs. Gurgevich asked me.

“Fine. Geez. I’ll text her. Okay?” I yanked my phone out of my pocket.

Me: You don’t maybe want to come over so my asshole friends and nosy uncle will get off my back about why my girlfriend isn’t here at poker night, do you?





“There. I texted. Happy now? Can we please get back to playing?”

My phone dinged.

“What did she say?” Bill asked.

“Did you see me pick up my phone yet, genius?” I muttered. Having a girlfriend was turning out to be a pain in my ass.

Marley: What the hell kind of an invitation was that?





“What did she say?” Uncle Max asked.

“She wants to know what the hell kind of an invitation was that.”

“How did you say it?” Mrs. Gurgevich asked.

“I told her you guys wouldn’t get off my back and she could maybe come over so you’d shut the hell up.”

Uncle Max stroked a hand through his beard. “You’re not very good at this,” he observed.

“It’s my first relationship! What do you want from me? Jeez!”

Mrs. Gurgevich was shaking her head sadly. “I really thought you’d be better at this.”

“And I really thought I’d be playing poker tonight, not sitting through some hen-pecking party.”

Floyd let out a chicken squawk.

Me: Please come over and hang out with my stupid friends. I’d love to have you. There’s bourbon-flavored beef jerky.





“What did you say back to her?” Bill asked.

“Is she coming?” Floyd asked.

Marley: You’re lucky my only other option was laundering the bed linens for my parents’ next Airbnb guest. Be there in ten.