Rock Bottom Girl(48)

“Jake. Focus.”

“I’m very focused.”

“You don’t have to put on a show at six in the morning,” I told him. “Let’s not complicate things.”

“Mars, I don’t know if you know this about me, but I really like complicated.”

“Why is it that everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a come-on?”

“It’s a gift.”

I shook my head and took a step back. “You’re a lot to handle before dawn.”

He grinned. “Baby, don’t I know it.”

My running shorts spontaneously combusted.

“Now, be a good girl and make yourself a protein-rich breakfast. I’ll see you at school,” he said.

“Thanks for the run,” I said.

“Anytime, Mars. Anytime.”

I turned toward the house and whooped when he slapped me on the ass.

“Later, pretty girl.”

I shook my head and watched him lope off. He raised his hand in front of the mausoleum next door. “Morning, Amie Jo,” he called.

And there she was in pink silk pajamas, gaping after him with a tiny espresso cup in her hand. The swan waddled past on her side of the fence.

We both watched Jake’s retreating figure until he disappeared into the morning shadows. Amie Jo and I made uneasy eye contact for a long minute before I turned and went inside.





28





Marley





Mars,



Now that you’re contractually obligated to be my girlfriend, I decided to thoughtfully provide you with a Honey Do list. Quit whining. You need this.

1. Daily run. Thirty minutes minimum. I’m happy to run with you when I can and show off my superior prowess. Helpful Hack: Do it in the morning like we did today and get it out of the way so you’re not dreading it and making excuses. Trust me you’ll feel better.

2. Teaching. The walls have eyes at Culpepper Junior/Senior High. And those eyes are reporting that you’re a disinterested mess in the gym. Despite what the administration may have told you upon your hiring, you are there to do more than just make sure no one gets injured and sues the district.

The most important thing about teaching is breaking through the anti-adult barrier that exists in every teenager’s brain. They’re smarter than they look. Don’t pander. Don’t try to be their friend. Do remember their names and use them. Don’t just yell at them.

Give unexpected compliments like, “Nice back handspring into a roundoff, Julio.” Or “You really bounced back from impaling yourself on that hurdle, Tina.”

Your job is to engage them. Get them to focus on what’s happening in class. Stretch out their phone-wielding hunchback posture. Give them the time and space to move and be present. Find ways to get them to want to do that.

Please see the helpful video links in the appendix.

3. Coaching. This is like teaching only in more concentrated doses. You have a group of human beings who are trying to get better at something specific. Help them get better without making them feel like shit. Again. Names. Compliments. Attention. Those are more important than imparting the fine art of whatever the hell soccer is. Kicking and falling down? Whatever.

The secret to being a good coach is figuring out how to make your team function like a—you guessed it—team. It should be easy, right? They all like the same activity: soccer. They all have the same goal: winning. Wrong! A high school sports team, especially one of the female variety, is a wartime microcosm of popularity and belonging. These people have been programmed to think that there can be only one prom queen or only one dreamy teenage boyfriend. (Side Note: Only in the graduating class of 1998 did that prove to be true. It was me. Dreamy teenage boyfriend, not prom queen.)

You have to use your powers to unite them. Some coaches feel like their teams should be united against them, but that’s when you wake up with a jockstrap dipped in itching powder. Find a way to force them to get along long enough for them to realize they like each other. I could tell you a couple of ways to do it, but it’s more character-building to figure it out yourself.



Yours Romantically,



Jake





29





Jake





Dear Jake,



Thank you for your very thoughtful, humble take on how to be better, like you. I appreciate the time you took complimenting yourself. Someday, I hope to be as blindingly confident in my awesomeness as you are in yours.

Since you were so helpful with your 8,000-item list on ways for me to improve, I thought I’d return the favor and give you some basic ground rules of relationships.

1. Don’t honka your partner’s breasts in public. It’s never appropriate and rarely as funny as you think it will be.

2. Do work to memorize the important information about your partner as quickly as possible:

A. First and last name. Bonus points for middle.

B. Birth date.

C. Current pets, names.

D. Personal preferences in the following areas: bed, dishwasher loading, movies and TV viewing, restaurants/diet (don’t take a lactose intolerant person out for ice cream before sex), politics, relationship guidelines (e.g. Are stripper boobs touching your face considered cheating or just sad?).