Rock Bottom Girl(42)

“Great. Because I have zero tolerance for adult drama in this building. Got it? I get enough of it from students and parents all day, every day. I’m going to do what it takes to keep this ship sailing smoothly. And if your relationship blows up or either of you give Amie Jo the tiniest excuse to go batshit obsessive over this like the Ninth Grade Class Trip Fiasco, I will not hesitate to take it out on you.”

I was basically crushing Marley’s hand, grinding her bones into a fine dust.

Faced with losing to Amie Jo, she recovered admirably. “We understand, Principal Eccles. I know that Amie Jo and I haven’t always seen eye-to-eye, but you can count on Jake and me to maintain our…” Marley glanced at me, “decorum.”

“Wonderful. Now, if you’ll both just sign here and here and initial page three, you can be on your way.”





“What the fuck was that?” Marley hissed as soon as we exited the inner sanctum of the front office.

“Uh, you’re welcome,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest and leaning back against the trophy case.

“I’m welcome?” Her brown eyes were a little crazed, and I was enjoying the show. “Do you think you just rode to my rescue or something?”

“Yeah. I do.” Not only had I rescued a damsel in distress, I’d also fibbed to an authority figure. Both sides of my personality were pretty damned pleased.

“I don’t need rescuing!”

“Said the woman who could have hospitalized her entire team,” I reminded her.

“Not that again.”

“Now, you pick on Coach Dickweed and the boys varsity soccer team, who are as close to Jesus as you can get in Central Pennsylvania. And then you piss off Amie Jo ‘Evil Queen’ Hostetter. Do you have any idea what that woman is capable of?”

“Yes!” Marley shrieked. “For fuck’s sake, yes! Of course I know! And Culpepper knows exactly what I’m capable of.”

Classes were in session, and the lunch ladies were staring at us, so I pulled Marley to the closest exit. Outside, it was warm and sunny with just the slightest edge to the air. A sliver of the scent of autumn rode the breeze.

“You need a goddamn keeper. It’s like you’re trying to make terrible choices,” I told her.

“You’re not my teacher or my keeper, and my choices are mine to make. I just signed a contract under duress without even reading it! And now we’re what? Fake dating? For the rest of the semester? What happens if we fake break up? Do I get real fired?”

Damn. I really liked this girl. Even furious, she was funny.

“Pretty much. There’s something about an ethics clause or some shit. I think you can go before a review board in case of emergency.”

She was pacing, and every time she turned away, I couldn’t help but admire the shapely curve of her ass under her khaki shorts. Marley Cicero had a really nice ass.

“Why does this shit keep happening to me?” She wasn’t talking to me anymore. She was communicating with a higher power.

“Look. Let’s face it. You need me. I can help you with coaching, teaching. Whatever. You said it yourself. Your life’s a mess. Use me as a resource. I guarantee I can turn your life around by December.”

“So you’re a life coach now? Jesus, Jake. Why are you even doing this?”

“Maybe I hate to see potential wasted.”

“Don’t bullshit me. I remember you once stole a goat and locked it in the vice principal’s office over the weekend. You don’t do things out of the kindness of your heart. You do it for the entertainment value.”

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that,” I said, appreciating the fond memory as it arose.

“Why, Jake?” she asked again.

“I’m not exaggerating when I say Amie Jo would have made it her life’s mission to ruin yours, and she would have made the rest of us miserable in the process. She’s a terrible, terrible human being.”

“Uh-huh. You expect me to believe that you’ve willingly labeled yourself my boyfriend for the next four months so you don’t have to witness Amie Jo destroy me.”

“And there’s the other thing.”

“What other thing?”

“We’ve shared exactly two kisses now. Both of which have resulted in some serious brain frying. I liked it. Both times.”

“I don’t want a pity fake boyfriend,” she insisted, her jaw tightening.

“There’s no pity, and stop being a dumbass. I’ve been doing some thinking recently, that maybe it’s time I settle down…sometime. In the future. Eventually.”

She closed her eyes and then opened them. I liked the inky line of her lashes. “I don’t think you’re speaking English.”

I gave a little shrug. “I don’t know. I mean, maybe if I help you with your teaching and coaching, you could help me navigate a monogamous relationship. Like a practice run.”

“You want me to help you practice being in a relationship?”

“Yeah. You’ve done long-term relationships before, right?”

She stared at me for a long minute and then nodded slowly.

“Good! See? It’s a mutually beneficial fake relationship. I keep Amie Jo off your back and help you not suck as an employee here, and you can get me into relationship shape.”