Rising (Blue Phoenix, #4)(51)

“Dan? A nice guy?”

I laugh softly at Jem’s incredulity. “Yeah, but when Quinn died, Dan changed. Slowly at first. He interfered in my relationships, my life choices, always throwing at me that my brother wouldn’t approve. That was enough for me to listen; after all, my brother trusted Dan, so I should. When things got really screwed up at home, I moved in with Dan.”

Jem looks up. “You moved in with him? He’s my age. How old were you?”

I shake my head. “I was seventeen. We weren’t together like a couple at first, but he was the only man apart from my brother who’d shown me attention. I craved Dan’s love, and he said he loved me, wanted me, and took care of me. I believed him. Over the next three years, he took my control away.”

Jem interrupts. “You stayed for three years? I never understand why they stay.”

“They?”

“People hurt by others they live with.”

“I had to leave my uncle’s and had nowhere to go. I’d put up with abuse from my uncle since I went to live there; everything from him constantly telling me what a bad person I must be for my mum to leave me, to him slapping me around to prove the point. I believed him; my mum had screamed the same shit at me before she f*cked off. Around the time I turned sixteen, he got weird.” I inhale. “I’m not going into it all, but he wasn’t looking at me or treating me like his niece anymore. He’d walk in when I was getting changed, that kind of crap.”

“f-uck, Ruby. Please don’t tell me…”

I shake my head and a bloody annoying tear flies out. “No, no… that’s why I got out. I didn’t feel safe. Dan kept me safe. If I’d stayed with my uncle and aunt… I don’t know, Jem.”

Jem puts his elbows on his knees and drags his hands through his curls, swearing under his breath.

“I don’t think anyone understands unless they’ve been there. Dan controlled my life. The psychological abuse came before the physical. He ground me down until I felt like he was doing me a favour even wanting me. That nobody else did or ever would. That I just had to look at how people had treated me, and that it was all my fault because I was a bad person. I tried to leave Dan a few times before but failed until last time. Now Dan’s done what I always worried he would, what stopped me leaving before.”

Jem stands and walks away from me. “This is the problem. This is why I can’t get close to you.”

“Because I’m a bad person?” I ask hoarsely.

“No! You’re the opposite, Ruby. You’re a f-ucking amazing, strong person and my whole self screams to let you in.”

My stomach lurches at his admission. “Let me in?”

He turns back to me. “They were the same as you. I grew up with a woman who was constantly abused and I fell into a relationship with a girl like you once before. That’s why I stepped away when I kissed you. I realised I can’t go there again. I can’t fix broken people because I get cut on the sharp edges.”

A girl like me? Realisation crashes down. I’m so f-ucking stupid, why didn’t I see this before? “You think I’m Liv?”

“You are.”

“How?”

“Similar then.”

“Similar isn’t the same, Jem.”

He drags his hair away from his face. “Okay, similar, but I feel I need to rescue you.”

No way. “Rescue me? What the hell are you? A super hero?”

“I mean fix you, make things better.”

I stand. “You think I need fixing? Rescuing? That is so insulting! That’s what you see when you look at me? A weak girl who needs protecting from the world?”

“No… Yes. Shit.” Jem looks past me, chewing on his mouth.

“Is this why you hold back from me? You think I’m weak, like Dan thought I was weak? I’m stronger than you f-ucking think!”

His refusal to react after I laid myself bare to him does more than irritate me. All I’ve done is give him more ammunition to prove I’m like his ex.

I lean toward him, face close to his. “I’m not Liv! How can I be her? What was she doing with her life? Getting stoned with you. What else was she doing with her life, Jem? How was she changing?”

“She wasn’t. She was stuck. I was helping…”

“Look at my face, Jem. If I needed rescuing, would I have been in the position to get this? Everything I’ve achieved in the last few months began before I met you. I started on a path away from Dan and you’ve helped me by helping the band. But you’re not saving me. I don’t want saving. I could’ve done all this whether you were here or not!”

Mind blown, I can’t think straight. I need out. Away from him. “I think I should leave if that’s how you feel. I doubt the police will bother you and the media will back off when they hear. Call Jax later about the band.” I march to the door and yank it open.

“Ruby. Stop.”

“I’ll pack now. See you in the studio in a couple of days, once the swelling goes down.”

“Wait. Please.” Jem steps past, between me and the open door, and holds his hands up as he faces me. “I won’t stop you physically; you know that. I’m asking you to stay.”

“What? So you can look after me?”