Reminders of Him(29)
“It would be too hard on Patrick and Grace if Kenna were in their lives.”
Roman makes a face. “How’s Kenna going to take that?”
“I don’t really care how Kenna feels. No grandparent should be forced to have to set up visitation with their son’s murderer.”
Roman raises a brow. “Murderer. That’s a bit dramatic. Her actions led to Scotty’s death, sure. But the girl isn’t some cold-blooded murderer.” He kicks a pebble across the pavement. “I always thought they were a little too harsh on her.”
Roman didn’t know me back when Scotty died. He only knows the story. But if he had been around five years ago to see how it affected everyone, and he still somehow managed to say what he just said, I’d have punched him for it.
But he’s just being Roman. Devil’s advocate. Uninformed.
“What happened when she showed up? What’d they say to her?”
“She didn’t make it that far. I intercepted her in the street and dropped her off at her apartment. Then I told her to go back to Denver.”
Roman shoves his hands in his pockets. I watch his face, looking for the judgment. “How long ago was this?” he asks.
“It’s been a few hours.”
“You aren’t worried about her?”
“Who? Diem?”
He shakes his head with a small laugh, like I’m not following. “I’m talking about Kenna. Does she have family here? Friends? Or did you drop her off alone after telling her to fuck off?”
I stand up and brush the back of my jeans. I know what he’s getting at, but it’s not my problem. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
“Maybe you should go check on her,” he suggests.
“I’m not going to check on her.”
Roman looks disappointed. “You’re better than this.”
I can feel my pulse hammering in my throat. I don’t know if I’m more pissed at him or at Kenna right now.
Roman takes a step closer. “She’s responsible for the accidental death of someone she was in love with. As if that wasn’t hard enough, she went to prison for it and was forced to give up her own child. She finally shows back up hoping to meet her, and you do God knows what with her in your truck, and then you prevent her from meeting her daughter, and then you tell her to fuck off. No wonder you’ve been slamming shit around all night.” He walks back up the steps, but before he goes inside, he turns to me and says, “You’re the reason I’m not dead in a ditch somewhere, Ledger. You gave me a chance when everyone else gave up on me. You have no idea how much I look up to you for that. But it’s really hard to look up to you right now. You’re acting like an asshole.” Roman walks back inside the bar.
I stare at the door after it closes, and then I hit it. “Fuck!”
I start pacing in the alley. The more I pace, the guiltier I feel.
I’ve been unequivocally on Patrick and Grace’s side since the day I found out what happened to Scotty, but the more seconds that pass between Roman’s words and my next decision, the more uneasy I feel about it all.
There are two possibilities running through my head right now. The first is that Kenna is exactly who I’ve always believed her to be, and she showed up here selfishly, only thinking of herself and not at all thinking of what her presence would do to Patrick and Grace, or even Diem.
The second possibility is that Kenna is a devastated, grieving mother who simply aches for a child she desperately wants to do right by. And if that’s the case, I don’t know that I’m okay with how I left things tonight.
What if Roman is right? What if I ripped away every ounce of hope she had left? If so, where does that leave her? Alone in an apartment with no future to look forward to?
Should I be worried?
Should I check on her?
I pace the alley behind the bar for several more minutes, until I finally ask myself the question that keeps circling back around. What would Scotty do?
Scotty always saw the best in people, even in those who I failed to find good in at all. If he were here, I can only imagine how he would be rationalizing all of this.
“You were too harsh, Ledger. Everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, Ledger. You won’t be able to live with yourself if she takes her own life, Ledger.”
“Fuck,” I mutter. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”
I don’t know Kenna’s personality at all. The reaction she had earlier could just be dramatics for all I know. But she could also be in a really dark place, and I can’t sleep with that on my conscience.
I feel unsettled and frustrated as I get in my truck and head back to her place.
Maybe I should feel a sense of relief that I now think Roman was wrong, but I just feel pissed.
Kenna isn’t holed up inside her apartment. She’s outside, looking like she doesn’t have a care in this world. She’s playing with fucking fireworks. Sparklers. Her and some girl, twirling around in the grass like she’s a kid and not a grown-ass adult who, just hours earlier, acted like her world was coming to an end.
She didn’t see me pull up because her back was to the parking lot, and she hasn’t noticed I’ve been sitting here for several minutes.
She lights another sparkler for the girl, who then proceeds to make a mad dash with her sparkler and leave trails of light with her as she disappears around the corner.