Regretting You(36)
A sinking feeling consumes me. I rush after Jonah and intercept him, pressing my back against my front door. “What do you mean you can’t do this?”
Jonah takes a step back and then faces the other direction. He clasps his hands behind his head. I realize what I initially thought was fear is nothing less than devastation. Jonah doesn’t even have to tell me why he’s so upset. I already know.
He spins around, facing me again, his eyes full of heartache and lined with tears. He waves a hand toward Elijah. “He smiled for the first time tonight.” He pauses, as if what he’s about to say next is too painful to put into words. “Elijah—my son—has Chris’s fucking smile.”
No, no, no. I shake my head, feeling the heartache pouring out of him. “Jonah—” I hear Clara’s bedroom door open before I can process what this all means. My sympathetic expression immediately changes to a pleading one. “Please don’t do this right now,” I beg him in a whisper. “I don’t want her to find out what they did. It’ll break her.”
Jonah’s eyes move past me. I’m assuming to Clara.
“What’s going on?” she asks.
I spin around, and Clara is standing at the entrance of the hallway, rubbing sleep from her eyes. Jonah mutters, “I can’t do this. I’m sorry,” under his breath and opens the door. He leaves.
I walk over to Clara and shove Elijah into her arms. “I’ll be right back.”
Jonah is almost to his car when I shut the front door and rush after him. He hears me following him, so he spins around. “Why would Jenny lie to me about something this huge?” He’s full of anguish, gripping his hair and then slapping his palms against the car, like he has no idea what to do with his hands. His head hangs between his shoulders in defeat. “Having an affair is one thing, but to lead me to believe I fathered her child? Who does that, Morgan?”
He pushes off the car and strides toward me. I’ve never seen him this angry, so I find myself taking small steps backward.
“Did you know he wasn’t mine?” He’s looking at me like I was in on this somehow. “Is that why she showed up out of the blue at my father’s funeral last year? She needed to cover up who really got her pregnant? Was this some kind of sick plan?”
His words kind of hurt, because of course I didn’t know any of that. I only just recently suspected Chris could be Elijah’s father, but this is the first time I’ve seen Jonah since having that suspicion. “Do you actually think I would have let them get away with that?”
He grips the sides of his head in frustration, then throws his arms out. “I don’t know! You’ve been with Chris half your life. How could you not suspect that he was Elijah’s father?” He walks back toward his car but then thinks of something else to say that will likely make me even angrier with him. “You knew they were sleeping together, Morgan. Deep down, you had to know, but we both know how good you are at ignoring what’s right in front of you!”
Yep. I’m definitely a lot angrier than I was ten seconds ago.
Jonah steps back, as if his own words boomeranged back into his gut. His anger is immediately swallowed by the apologetic look in his eyes.
“Are you done?” I ask.
He nods, but barely.
“Where’s Elijah’s diaper bag?”
Jonah walks to the car and opens the back door. He hands me the diaper bag. He stares down at the concrete beneath his feet, waiting for me to walk away.
“You’re all he has, Jonah.”
He lifts his head and stares at me a moment and then slowly shakes his head. “Actually, you’re all he has. He’s your sister’s child. He has absolutely nothing of me in him.” His words don’t come out with the vengeance that was coursing through him earlier. Now he’s just quiet and broken.
I look at him pleadingly. I can’t imagine what this must be like for him, so I’m doing my best not to judge his reaction, but he loves Elijah. There’s no way he can walk away from an infant he’s raised for two months, no matter how hurt he is right now. He’ll end up regretting this. I soften my own voice when I speak. “You’re the only parent he knows. Go home. Sleep it off. Come back and get him in the morning.”
I walk back to my house. I don’t mean to slam the door, but I do, and it startles Elijah. He begins to cry. Clara is seated on the couch with him, so I take him out of her arms so she can get back to bed.
“What’s wrong with Jonah?” she asks. “He seemed angry.”
I play it down as much as I can, even though I know I’m a terrible liar. “He’s just exhausted. I offered to keep Elijah for the night to give him a break.”
Clara stares at me for a moment. She knows I’m lying, but she doesn’t press me. She does roll her eyes when she passes me, though.
When she’s back in her room, I take Elijah to my bedroom and sit down on the bed, holding him. He’s wide awake now, but he’s no longer crying.
He’s smiling.
And Jonah is right. When he smiles, there’s a deep dimple that forms in the center of his chin.
He looks exactly like Chris.
CHAPTER TEN
CLARA
Everyone thought Jonah would be back teaching his classes on Monday, but he wasn’t. Mom said Jonah would pick up Elijah on Monday, but it’s Wednesday now, and he didn’t.