Regretting You(29)

The house has never been so quiet. Not even the sound of the TV fills the background, because the damn cable is still broken. Chris took care of all the bills, so I’m not even sure what the name of our cable company is. I’ll figure it out eventually.

I lower myself to the living room floor. It’s dark, and I attempt to meditate, but really all I’m doing is thinking of everything I can possibly think of that doesn’t involve a thought of Chris or Jenny, but it’s hard. Almost every memory I have includes one of them.

They were both a part of every single milestone or event in my life. My entire pregnancy with Clara. Her birth. Our wedding, our anniversaries, graduations, family holidays, birthday cookouts, movie dates, fishing and camping trips, Elijah’s birth.

Every important moment of my life included the two of them. They were my whole world, and I was theirs. Which is why I refuse to give another thought as to why they might have been together. There’s no way they would have betrayed me like that. Betrayed Clara like that. I would have known.

I absolutely would have known.

My thoughts are interrupted when the doorbell rings.

I get a glimpse of Jonah’s car out the window as I’m heading toward the front door. I don’t feel relieved to see him, because I’d rather not have any visitors at all, but I also don’t feel the irritation I usually feel at the sight of him when I open the door. My sympathy for his situation overshadows my irritation. Of course, I’m devastated about Jenny and Chris, but I’m reasonable enough to know that this affects Jonah more than it affects me. He’s got an infant to raise.

I at least had Chris, Jenny, and Chris’s parents to help with Clara.

Jonah only has his mother.

I guess he has me too. But I’m not much help right now.

I open the door, shocked by what I see. Jonah hasn’t shaved in a few days. He doesn’t even look like he’s showered. Or slept. He probably hasn’t, because I haven’t, and I don’t even have an infant to care for.

“Hey,” he says, his voice flat.

I open the door to let him in. “Where’s Elijah?”

“My mother wanted him for a few hours.”

That makes me feel good. Jonah needs the break.

I don’t know why he’s here, but I’m scared it’s because he wants to talk about what happened. He’s probably here to dissect why they were together. If I could have my way, I’d never speak of it. I want to pretend it didn’t happen. The grief of losing them is enough. I don’t want to pile anger and feelings of betrayal on top of that.

I just want to miss them. I don’t think I have enough strength left to hate them.

We’re standing quietly in the living room for only five seconds, but it feels like longer. I don’t know what to do. Take him to the back patio to sit? Take a seat at the dining room table with him? The couch? This is awkward because I don’t have that kind of ease with Jonah anymore. My routine with him since he showed back up has been avoidance, and since I can’t really avoid him right now, I feel like this is all-new territory.

“Is Clara home?”

I nod. “Yeah. In her room.”

He glances down the hallway. “I’d like to talk to you in private if you have a minute.”

The living room is the farthest room from Clara’s bedroom. I have a straight view down the hallway and will see her if she comes out of her room, so I point him toward the love seat, and I take the couch facing the hallway.

He leans forward, elbows on his knees, fingers coming to a point against his chin. He sighs heavily. “I don’t know if it’s too soon to discuss it,” he says, “but I have so many questions.”

“I don’t ever want to discuss it.”

He sighs, leaning back against the couch. “Morgan.”

I hate how he says my name. Full of disappointment. “What good would it do, Jonah? We don’t know why they were together. If we start dissecting it, we might find answers we don’t want.”

He squeezes his jaw. We sit in a stark, uncomfortable silence for an entire minute. Then, as if it’s a brand-new thought, Jonah’s eyes flicker to mine. “Where is Chris’s car?” Jonah can tell by the way I avert my eyes that this is something else I was trying to avoid. “He left here in his car that morning, didn’t he?”

“Yes,” I whisper.

I’ve been wondering where his car is, but I haven’t done anything about trying to locate it. I’m afraid of what the location might prove. I’d rather just not know where it is forever, rather than find out it’s parked at some hotel.

“Did he have OnStar?”

I nod. Jonah pulls out his cell phone and goes outside to make the phone call. I rush to the kitchen because I need a drink. I feel nauseated. I find the bottle of wine Jonah and Jenny brought over last week for my birthday. We never got around to opening it because we had a bottle leftover. I unscrew the cork and pour myself a glass.

The glass is almost empty when Jonah walks into the kitchen.

His face has completely drained of color, and I know with that one look that this isn’t good. My biggest fear is probably about to come true, and even though I don’t want to know, I still can’t help but ask.

I cover my mouth with a hesitant hand. “Where is it?” I whisper.

His face conveys his words before they even come out of his mouth. “It’s parked at the Langford.”