Reckless (Thoughtless, #3)(120)

As Kellan started walking toward the back, I turned to face Sienna. She was watching him leave with a small smile on her lips. “Kind of weird, wasn’t it?” I asked her.

She tore her gaze away from Kellan’s backside to look at me. “What, love?”

I smiled at her as genuinely as I could, but it felt fake to me. “All those photographers waiting at the club when we arrived?”

Sienna’s perfectly painted lips curved into a smirk. “Not really. My location seems to be leaked on a daily basis. I can barely use the bathroom without a witness.” She indicated the empty bus with her hand. “It makes me a little jealous to watch how easily the group of you can come and go. I mean, your sister is shopping at a mall right now, isn’t she?” I nodded, and Sienna sighed. “I can’t even step inside a mall without being mobbed.”

As I considered what her life was like, what Kellan’s life was quickly becoming, I told her, “You could give it all up, move somewhere remote?”

Sienna laughed as she twirled a dark lock around her finger. “Give up the stage? Sure, I could, but what’s the point of life if you’re not doing what makes you the happiest? And even though it has its setbacks, the perks far outweigh them. I’m on top of the world right now, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. I like where I am.”

Her eyes drifted back to where Kellan was hiding away and I thought there was one thing Sienna would change if she could—Kellan would be right beside her on her throne as she ruled the world.

Sienna stayed and visited with me for about an hour. She glanced back at the cubbies a handful of times, but Kellan never reemerged. Perhaps bored, perhaps disappointed, Sienna frowned and said, “See you at the show,” loud enough for Kellan to hear. If he did, he didn’t respond. Slapping on a flawless smile, Sienna proudly left the bus.

After Sienna left, curiosity got the better of me and I went to go check on Kellan. He had closed the curtain to the sleeping area behind him when he’d gone in there. I tentatively pulled it aside and stuck my head in. The light was on in our cubby, and the privacy curtain was open. Kellan was on his side, staring at the laptop. His expression was intense, absorbed.

Quietly walking toward him, I murmured, “Sienna left.”

He started and peeked up at me. “I didn’t hear you come in. You scared the piss out of me.”

I smiled at his comment and sat on the edge of our bed. Chewing my lip, I pointed at the computer. “Do you hate me?” I whispered.

Kellan stared at me a long, silent moment. His face was still blank. Aside from that brief moment of surprise, I had no idea what he thought. Had he read about my feelings for Denny? God, had he read our sex scenes? I shouldn’t have let him read the full manuscript. I should have edited. How did he feel about it? Not knowing anything that was going on in his head was killing me, but I waited for him to be ready to speak. When he sighed and closed the computer screen, I braced myself for the worst.

Climbing out of the hole we slept in, he moved to sit beside me on the edge of the mattress. Our heads rested against the bunk above us. Face softening into sadness, he finally whispered, “I’m so sorry . . . for all the pain I put you through.”

My eyes watered. “For all the pain you put me through? I’m the one that cut out your heart, then handed it back to you in pieces.”

Kellan smirked. “I haven’t gotten that far in the story yet. I’m still at the part where I’m an *.”

Smiling, I bumped his shoulder with mine. “I kind of like it when you’re an *.”

Kellan smiled at the ground. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He looked up at me again. “But I mean it. I really am sorry. I should have just been honest with you. I wanted to tell you how I felt . . . I just . . . couldn’t. It was too hard.”

Swallowing, I nodded. “I know. But you don’t have to apologize. What I did to you was so much worse. Sorry isn’t a big enough word to cover it.” Kellan didn’t argue with me. He just gave me a sad smile and wiped a tear off of my cheek with his fingers. Needing to say it now, while we were knee-deep in regrets, I added, “I’m so sorry about the scenes with Denny. I shouldn’t have let you read those.”

Knowing which scenes I was referring to, Kellan put his finger over my lips. “Don’t. I understand. I knew going into this that a story about us was also going to be a story about the two of you. And it should be. He was a big part of your life, and I’m okay with your history. It made you who you are. And I happen to be in love with who you are.” I gaped at him, amazed at the depth of his empathy. He laughed a little. “I couldn’t read about it, though. I, uh, skimmed a few parts. I hope you don’t mind.”

Shaking my head, I threw my arms around him. No, of course I didn’t mind. Clutching his shirt in my hands, I buried my head in his neck. God, he was amazing. Holding him tight, I released a few final tears of guilt and remorse. Once the feeling was gone, I kissed his neck. “I love you, you know?”

Holding me tight to him, rubbing my back, Kellan murmured, “I know you love my hair.” I pulled back to look at his amused face; he could barely contain his smile. “I mean you really love my hair . . . almost obsessively so. I had no idea.” His grin turned bright and boyish. “And my abs.” He cocked an eyebrow at me. “Would you like to try etching them with a marker? I’ll let you. Although, edible paint is a lot more fun.”