Reckless Girls(51)

Except, this trip has also revealed to me that the way things were involved Nico calling all the shots, living exactly how he wanted, while I drifted along in his currents.

I look around the tiny room. The curtain I made for our porthole is slightly crooked at the hem, cheerful yellow flowers gently staining the light that filters through the fabric. I realize how pathetic my attempts at making a life with Nico now seem. The Susannah was always Nico’s. Will always be his.

I was just along for the ride.

And I’m sick of it.

I’d come back to the boat with the idea of gathering some of my things, and decamping to the beach for these last few nights. But with the dinghy gone, there’s no way to do that, so instead, I wander up to the deck again.

Nico is standing there.

He’s got his hands in his pockets, his head down. By his posture, I can tell that he knows he’s been caught, and I don’t have time to wonder how he figured it out.

“Lux—” he starts, but I cut him off.

“Don’t. Don’t do this.”

“Don’t you think we should at least talk about it?” he asks, and I feel tears sting my eyes.

“Is there anything to talk about? Really?”

Nico stares at me. His skin has grown even darker since we’ve been here. He’s so tan he glows, and it hurts, how beautiful he is. Even now. Especially now. “So, you’re breaking up with me on a deserted island. That’s actually happening.”

“You fucked someone else,” I say, my voice low. I don’t know where the others are right now, and the coziness that had seemed so fun our first few days here is now stifling. I feel like there’s no way to have a private conversation, no way someone isn’t overhearing everything we say.

“And I’m so sorry,” Nico says. He actually looks it, which is the hardest part.

Then he adds, “But it’s not like you haven’t been really moody lately, Lux. I feel like every time I want to talk to you, you’re with Eliza and Brittany. And then you got so pissed over that guy—”

“Because he was scary, Nico! Because it seemed like you didn’t care about protecting me! Because we should’ve headed home then and there, but we didn’t, and now our radios are fucked and you fucked someone else, and now we’re stuck here. You can’t blame me for being angry about that.”

He shakes his head, his hair falling over his brow as he looks away from me. “I know it was uncool—” he starts, and I scoff loudly.

“‘Uncool’—yeah, that’s one word for it.”

Glaring, he juts out his jaw. “This is what I mean. You’ve been a bitch ever since we got here, okay? So yeah, I’m an asshole and I slept with someone, but to be honest, Lux, I didn’t think you’d care. I mean, you’re going off with Jake and Eliza, right?”

I stare at him. “What?”

His arms are folded across his chest. “I heard Eliza invite you to leave with them. And the thing is, Lux, I didn’t hear you say no. You were thinking about it, weren’t you?”

I fall silent.

“So yeah, can’t really blame me for feeling like, ‘Hey, maybe Lux was never actually into me. Maybe it was the boat and the chance to do absolutely fuck-all with her life!’”

“That’s not fair,” I say, and now we’re not even trying to be quiet, our voices ringing through the open air.

“You were a dick to me after Robbie,” I go on. “I was pissed. And yeah, it was nice to have Eliza make that offer. But just because you didn’t hear me say no doesn’t mean I said yes. And it’s definitely not an excuse to go off and fuck some girl you’ve known for like a week on our boat.”

“My boat, Lux,” he says. “My fucking boat.”

And there it is.

There never really was an “us” in the true sense of things, not for Nico. But suspecting something in the darkest corners of your mind and hearing it said out loud are two different things.

“Your fucking boat,” I echo, nodding. “And I’m getting off of it right now, don’t worry.”

“Lux,” he says again, but I’ve stopped listening. I leave my sad little bag of things on the deck, and dive over the side, swimming for the Azure Sky.

I see Brittany on a striped blanket on the beach, stretched out underneath the sun. She’s got her sunglasses on, a book open, and I bet she has her earbuds in, so I don’t even bother waving to her or trying to call to her. Instead, I pull myself up and onto the Azure Sky.

Eliza had said I was welcome to sail with them any time I wanted, and I wonder if that’s still an option now. Maybe I don’t have to go back to Hawaii with Nico after all.

Robbie said that the island was cursed, and for the first time, I’m starting to believe there’s some truth to that. Those dead sailors back in the 1800s, the overgrown airstrip, the skull, the abandoned building I found this morning … for a place full of natural beauty, it also seems full of horrible history.

I’m craving another drink, but the cooler on deck is empty, so I slide open the cabin door and stick my head in. “Eliza?” I call, even though I know she’s not down there. Still, it feels a little strange to be creeping around the boat on my own.

Unlike our cabin on the Susannah, the interior of the Azure Sky is bright and open, with white furnishings, chrome accents, and shiny teak floors. I let myself imagine what it would be like to sail to Bangkok on a boat like this.