Real Bad Things(27)
LEZZIE BORDEN RETURNS!
The Good Lord has blessed us with some hot goss, y’all.
Maud’s very own Murderess has returned to the scene of her crime.
25 years after she hightailed it out of here after her release,
she’s back to pay her price. Ain’t too bright if you ask us. We’d of
run the minute them bones of Warren Ingram’s were found
floating around the Arkansas River. But there ain’t no accounting
for stupid. Some people just can’t help themselves.
With a confession and a set of bones, will Jane Mooney finally get her day in court?
Not so fast, folks! A little bird we like to call Lovelace informed us
Maud’s finest (BLUE LIVES MATTER! #BLM!) is talking to a slew of women
who might have met that gal way back when, including
(wait for it, wait for it)
Holier Than Thou City Council Member Georgia Lee LOSER.
Hoo wee! We bet she’s wetting her britches about now.
Not only is she getting spanked by Bollinger in the polls, she’s
about to get spanked by the law. And, we gotta say,
WE LOVE TO SEE IT.
(Even though we don’t believe it. Ain’t a fun bone in that woman’s body.)
When we spoke at Bollinger yesterday and asked for his comment,
he told us there wouldn’t be none of this K-Parts BS on his watch—
or murder!! MONEY QUOTE!!
Georgia Lee Loser could not be reached for comment.
Cause frankly we don’t care enough to ask.
Hey! This is Facebook, it ain’t the news!
(Real talk, tho: Based on what we heard,
Warren Ingram wasn’t all that. But hey, a crime is a crime,
no matter how much of a shithead a person is!
So stay tuned, Talkers!)
We may not know who helped Miz Borden with her crime, but we DO KNOW
it’s time we toss that CARPETBAGGER back to Maud Proper.
Who better than a businessman to keep us Maud Bottom Feeders
out of bad business deals like the kind Georgia Lee got us into—
and ensure Maud Bottoms don’t become a den of CRIME?
#LezzieBordenIsBackInTown #VoteAndy #GeorgiaLeeLOSER #GiveHerTheBoot!
Little bird. Georgia Lee was right. Someone was talking.
And they had confirmed Jane was back in town. Jane had already confessed. Perhaps Jane’s heart had turned to stone—and against Georgia Lee. Or could it be Angie or Jason, trying to keep the attention away from them? Or Diane, their so-called Lovelace? A warning shot if Georgia Lee didn’t pay up?
Who else but these four would care, or want to see Georgia Lee take the fall?
She poked around Christlyn’s phone in search of a browser to see if she could find a news posting about Warren or Jane or anything about her specifically. She gave up after scrolling through ten cluttered screens of app icons and reread the post before tossing the phone on the table.
“This is garbage. Do you really believe that I would have anything to do with a murder?”
“I mean . . .” Susannah paused and glanced at Christlyn. “No. Of course not. You only work. Who has time for murder with your schedule?” She laughed nervously.
“And you?” Georgia Lee asked Christlyn.
“I mean, they’re kind of right.” Christlyn chewed on her straw, that forever-bored teen look still present on her middle-age face. “You don’t really like to have fun.”
“I do too like to have fun. I went to the gym and I’m here, aren’t I?”
“That’s not fun. That’s maintenance. Also, you’re like, the straightest person ever. No one would believe you’re the Bonnie to Lezzie Borden’s Clyde,” Christlyn said. “No offense.”
What would she know of that? What would either of them know about anything?
Georgia Lee didn’t know what made her angrier: the continued harassment of those Let’s Talk About Maud knuckleheads, Diane’s attempted blackmail, or the fact that Christlyn and Susannah didn’t think her capable of being the person she actually was or doing things she’d actually done.
She stormed toward the bathroom but then returned to the table.
“You can’t trust two auto body workers as a source for news! You need to be responsible citizens!” She smacked her hands together for emphasis. “You have to question the content!”
Susannah sank into the booth, wounded. Christlyn held her stare, almost like a challenge. As soon as she left, they’d laugh at her. For the first time in a long time, she decided she didn’t care.
“Drinks and apps are on me.” She didn’t want to sit there and wait for the check in their presence.
She yanked her purse out of the booth and made her way to the server. She’d find this Lovelace. She’d ensure they learned exactly who they were dealing with. She wasn’t some woman they could just roll over.
Nine
JANE
Though Jane had told Chuck they weren’t interested in any of that religious mumbo jumbo, he stood next to the coffin for the graveside service sweating all over his Bible, talking about God and heaven and other things Warren hadn’t given two shits about. This came after a lengthy recitation of lies courtesy of the chicken-scratch notes Diane had torn out of a spiral notebook that morning and handed to Chuck ten minutes before the service. He’d accepted it because grieving widow. But he’d been visibly flustered to have his well-thought-out and typed eulogy so unceremoniously hacked. He’d had no choice but to read off the paper, its little edges flapping in the wind, detailing how Warren was: