Queen Bee (Lowcountry Tales #12)(71)

“You’re getting too skinny,” Momma said to him. “There’s not enough meat on your bones to achieve the desired effect.”

“I have to be svelte for this plan to work,” he said. “Ow! That’s too tight!”

“Pride knoweth no pain, Charlie boy,” Momma said. “Suck it up! I still can’t believe I’m doing this.”

He was caught somewhere in between strangulation and suffocation.

Charlie looked at me and said, “She’s trying to kill me. You know that, don’t you?”

I knew no such thing.

I laughed and said, “Oh, Charlie. I’m afraid Momma’s right.”

And did we shop? We found fabulous women’s shoes in Charlie’s size and so many wigs we couldn’t decide, so we bought them all, and we had an appointment with an award-winning cosmetic artist who was going to give Charlie a distinctive look. And at Momma’s insistence, he hired a personal coach to work on his dramatic presentations of Cher, Judy Garland, Beyoncé, and anybody else he felt he might like to lip-sync to. He was good, but he’d have to be drop-dead amazing to break into the really big time as he wanted to.

Momma and Charlie were out shopping again, so I called Holly to see how she was holding up. She told me about Hunter’s accident and the words she’d had with Archie. I was flabbergasted.

“This makes me absolutely sick inside,” I said to her.

“Me, too,” she said. “It’s like something really terrible is going to have to happen before Archie will wake up.”

“Don’t say that,” I said.

“Here’s what I don’t understand,” she said. “Hunter’s accident would’ve been the perfect moment for her to take this banged-up little boy in her arms and say she was so sorry. It could’ve been a turning point for them instead of a hundred more nails in the coffin. But that’s not what she did. This is what happens to people who can’t ever be wrong.”

“You’re right, of course. They always blame the problem on somebody else.”

We were quiet for a moment.

Then Holly said, “Something awful is going to happen. I just know it.”

“You and your premonitions,” I said. “Let’s hope you’re wrong for once.”

“I’d love to be wrong.”

“On a lighter note,” I said, “Charlie is beside himself with all the attention he’s getting from Momma and this army of people they’re calling in to help him literally get his act together.”

“Is she having fun, too?”

“Are you kidding? She’s the stage mother for him that she never was for us,” I said. “She made me laugh so hard yesterday when we were shopping. She said to him, ‘Now, Charlie, remember, the higher the heel, the more flattering it is to your calf muscle.’ I thought I’d lose my mind. Can you believe she even thinks of things like that?”

“We always forget that back in the day, the QB was a stunner.”

“That’s true. She was. Well, Project Charlie is sure resurrecting her.”

“That’s good to hear,” I said. “So how’s it going between you and Charlie?”

“That is a much harder question to answer. It’s like, the overwhelming majority of drag queens I’m meeting are one hundred percent gay. But Charlie says he just wants to be a female impersonator. Gay’s cool, though. Listen, whatever Charlie decides he is becoming, I’m still going to love him. In fact, there’s an old female impersonator here, Suzanne Velour is her stage name, who’s taken a shine to Momma and flatters her so much that Momma’s sort of smitten with her. Suzanne bought Momma’s drinks all night last night. And the night before.”

Suzanne Velour was approximately the same age and girth as Momma. They acted like they’d known each other all their lives. In fact, anyone who knew Momma at all might say they’d never seen her so compatible with someone.

“Momma doesn’t drink,” Holly said.

“Well, honey, she was knocking back mimosas like she grew up on champagne. Anyway, I imagine at her age she’d be happy with a platonic relationship. And, here’s the thing, I suspect I’m headed down that road with Charlie, you know, that maybe our job here is to help him step out of the closet with his dignity and his relationship with us intact. If that is what he wants.”

“And if you have a full understanding of the lifestyle, and see it for what it really is, that then you won’t judge him?”

“That and more. I don’t think Charlie wants to see our relationship sour and get bitter. And he’s working really hard for that not to happen.”

“You’re not going to know what’s cooking in his head until he does, so you may as well relax and try to have fun,” she said.

“You know what?” I said. “You’re right! Last night we went to the Miss Behave Game Show, which was so hilarious I thought we’d die, and then tomorrow we’ve got a reservation at the Drag Supper Club. And we’re wait-listed for tickets to Divas Las Vegas. I’ll tell you, Holly, this crazy world of drag queens and female impersonators and the whole lot of them is a universe unto itself. It’s fantasy and drama and humor all rolled into one. And it’s super fun. At least, as a spectator, so far.”