Quarterback Sneak (Red Zone Rivals #3)(63)

For a long time, we just sat there in the dark. I had no idea what time it was. The house was quiet, so I figured it had to be late, but it wasn’t quite early enough for the sun to greet us. I stared at where Holden’s hands held my legs, tears continually building in my eyes before they’d slip silently down my cheeks and I’d wipe them away.

“You asked me why I do pole,” I finally said, my voice low and crackling. “Well, this is why.”

Holden didn’t say a word, just kept smoothing his thumb over my skin.

“Because it’s the only thing that helps me cope with the fact that I’m the reason my sister is dead.”

“You’re not the—”

“Yes, I am,” I said before he could finish. “I am. I dragged her to a party. I teased her about being a good girl. I dared her to take molly, to try something new, to be a fucking kid for once instead of thinking about her future — which she did. All the time.” I shook my head, tears blurring my vision again. “I told her I’d stay sober, be her spirit guide. All I’d had was a little weed. But the guys who gave us the molly, I didn’t know them well. I… I just thought I could trust them.” I let out a sick, sarcastic laugh. It sounded even more stupid when I said it out loud, but when I was seventeen, I hadn’t thought twice about it. “Because I’d partied with them a few times,” I added flatly.

Holden’s thumb had stilled, and I could feel it, how ice was running in his veins just as it was in mine.

“I knew something was wrong. I knew…” Pain severed my chest, and I stopped, pressing a hand over my heart as if I could stop it. “She wasn’t acting right. I knew what it looked like when someone was rolling, and that wasn’t what was happening. And then the guys, they tried to… they…”

A sob ripped from my throat, and Holden pulled me into him — not just a hug, but fully into his lap, his massive arms wrapping me up as if he could shield me from the nightmare I relived every second of every day.

“They knew what they’d done. She was out of it, and they were taking off her clothes. She was barely even awake.” I sobbed. “I stopped them. I kicked and clawed until they were calling me a crazy bitch. They left us alone. But she was already… it was too late… I drove as fast as I could to the hospital, but I knew. I already knew before I got there that she was gone.”

“Shhh,” Holden said, rocking me, squeezing me tight.

“I killed her,” I choked. “I killed her, Holden, and I wish it was me who’d died, instead.”

He held me tighter, and I sobbed, emotion I thought I’d buried long ago exploding out of me like I was an erupting volcano. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t calm down, couldn’t do anything but fall completely apart.

It struck me that it was because, for the first time, I felt safe to do so.

“Every year on her birthday, I fall apart. But I’ve been so good this last year,” I said pathetically. “I thought maybe this time…”

I sniffed, shaking my head.

“I tried not to. I tried to just stay home, to ride it out, to not drink… but I… I just…” I licked my lips, tasting the tears there. “I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted to feel numb. I wanted to feel nothing at all.”

He nodded, like he knew already, like he understood.

And he should have.

He’d lost his sister, too. Not just his sister, but his parents. He’d lost everything.

The fact that he could still go on living life made me feel even more like a monster, a failure, a coward.

My fists twisted in his shirt, clutching him to me as I cried and cried. But after a while, I found my breath again, and Holden pulled back, tilting my chin up to look at him.

“It’s not your fault.”

“It is,” I argued, sniffing back more tears. “Even my mom knows it. You know, she hasn’t said more than a few words to me since it happened?” I shook my head. “She blames me, even if she won’t say it. And she thinks I’m next. She saw me going off the rails when Abby died and it was almost like… it was almost like she expected it, like she wanted it.”

“That’s not true.”

I shook my head, unconvinced. “And Dad,” I added, chest squeezing with pain. “When he looks at me? I don’t see love, or pride, or understanding. All I see is disappointment.” I hiccupped. “He wishes it was Abby who lived instead of me.”

“Your dad loves you,” Holden argued. “He loves you so much that it terrifies him. Why do you think he threatens all of us within an inch of our life for so much as looking at you?”

“Because he’s worried I’ll end up knocked up or in a viral gang-bang video online.”

Holden grabbed my face. “Because he cares about you, and it worries him sick to think about anything bad ever happening to you — even something as small as getting your heart broken by a stupid jock.”

I knew he was trying to lighten the mood, to make me smile, but I couldn’t. It was impossible. The only thing I could do was spiral.

“It’s not your fault that Abby is gone,” he said, forcing me to look at him. “Do you hear me? It’s not your fault. And the fact that you care so deeply for her that you help her live on through your own life proves that you’re not this evil monster you think you are.”