Play My Game (Stark Trilogy, #3.7)(20)

So I am not surprised when he tears away from the curb with all the speed of a rocket.

Instead of turning toward the 101, he follows Laurel Canyon up into the foothills, then turns on Mulholland Drive. That doesn’t surprise me either, and I simply hold on tight as he maneuvers the curves and straightaways before finally jerking the steering wheel and skidding to a halt in a turnout.

I’m breathing hard—I trust Damien, but this road is brutal. No guardrails, sharp curves, and the city spread out like a net below us.

Slowly, I reach for him and am relieved when his fingers close tight around mine. I want to speak, to soothe. But the truth is I don’t know what to say.

Finally, I say the only thing that I am certain must be said. I tell him what Jamie said to me. “You don’t have to pay. I don’t want you to pay. And Jamie doesn’t want you to pay, either.”

His eyes are flat when he looks at me. “I’m paying.” There is a beat—just one moment of silence—and then he gently tugs his hand free. He opens the door and gets out of the car, then moves to stand near the drop-off and look out over the city. The headlights are still on, and the light is hitting his back, illuminating him like an angel and casting his shadow down upon the world.

My chest tightens, and I wish that I had a magic potion that could make this entire mess go away. Because the truth is that both options suck. Damien isn’t the kind of man who willingly pays blackmail. And though it is true that Jamie will survive if that tape goes public, that is not the kind of thing that she should have to be strong for.

I realize that I have been sitting stiffly, my fingers clenched into my thighs so that the pressure from my nails digs into the skin just below the hem of my skirt. Shit.

I sigh. There is no magic potion. There is just me and Damien and our friends and the world. And right now, the world has infringed too much.

I force myself to relax, to loosen my fingers and shut away the pain. I tell myself I don’t need it now—not really. I may be a cutter, but it has been a long time since I have cut. I have Damien now to anchor me. Even more, I have found strength inside myself.

I will survive this. And so will Damien. And so will Jamie.

Telling myself that, I open my door and move to stand beside him, though this time I do not touch. This time I will wait for Damien, because I know that he will take what he needs from me, just as he lets me take what I need from him.

A moment passes, and then another. Finally, he speaks. “I will pay,” he repeats, as if he is responding to a question I just posed. He has been facing straight ahead. Now he turns to look at me, and what I see in his face is no longer flat, but fierce. “You say that you’re strong enough to handle seeing that shit with me and Carmela, and I believe you. But this … no.”

“I can handle whatever comes.” My voice is soft, but strong. “With you beside me, you know I can. And so will Jamie. She made her choices, and she knows they were bad ones. She gets it. And she understands what it will cost you to pay extortion money. And, Damien, it’s not even your choice. The file was sent to Jamie, not you. Not me.”

He manages a twisted smile. “You and I both know who they expected to pay.”

Since I can’t argue the point, I don’t. “Even so, it’s not your decision.”

“I’m making it my decision.”

“Dammit, Damien—”

“No. She made bad choices? She damn sure did. But she’s turned it around. She doesn’t deserve this. And I won’t have her tossed out there to the wolves any more than I will have you hurting for your friends. Not when I can fix it.”

“It’s blackmail.”

“It is, yes.” He takes my hands and pulls me close. “Dammit, Nikki. Do you think I didn’t see?” He brushes my cheek, and I shiver from his touch. “You were fine when it was just about us—you can stand it because you’re strong, and because you’ve stood it before. But where Jamie is concerned—when you are shouldering pain for a friend—baby, do you think I don’t know how it wrecks you? Don’t you know by now how clearly I see you?”

I nod, my eyes flooded with tears, because I do know how well he sees me. Just like I know that Damien will do whatever it takes to protect me and mine, no matter how much a sacrifice that protection is.

But this isn’t a sacrifice I want him to make. “It does wreck me,” I admit. “But I will get through it. So long as I have you to anchor me, you know I will. But what I can’t survive is knowing that you did something like this for me, when doing it will chip away at the core of the man I love.”

He doesn’t answer me. But I see the anguish on his face.

“I love you,” I whisper, but I barely get the words out before his mouth finds mine. The kiss is brutal, wild, and claiming. And I know that I was right—Damien will always take what he needs from me, and he knows that it is already his.

“Nikki.” My name is a moan, and I cannot respond. Not when he has claimed my mouth again, his tongue warring with mine, teasing and tasting, so deep and wild and hot that I can feel the power of this kiss reverberate through me, exciting every part of me so that I feel as though I will die if I don’t feel his hands upon me.

“Yes,” I say. “Oh, god, yes.”

He pushes me back roughly so that my legs are against the hood of the car. His fingers tangle in my hair, his palm cupping the back of my head as he bruises my mouth with wild kisses.