Perfectly Ordinary People(25)

Abby was disappointed I hadn’t brought Gina along, but she quickly took Dan under her wing instead. The two of them got on so well that both Jake and I ended up feeling jealous.

The turkeys were so burnt that by the time all the black bits had been discarded there wasn’t that much left to eat. But Masterchef Dan had brought not one but two different nut roasts to the table, which – despite the usual anti-vegetarian vibe in our family – turned out to be quite a hit.

No one brought along Scruples to play, and everyone behaved themselves. The only near-miss was when Eirla, who hadn’t been present for The Great Falling Out, quite casually asked Jake where he and Abby were getting married, and whether they were intending to get hitched in a church, or a registry office, or a synagogue.

‘We haven’t decided yet,’ Jake said, sounding nervous.

‘So would you have to convert?’ Eirla asked, still unaware of the chill sweeping through the room.

Dan gave me a worried glance, and I was impressed that he had picked up on the danger.

‘If we decided to get married in a synagogue, I would, yes,’ Jake said. ‘Why?’

‘No reason,’ Eirla said, sounding defensive. ‘I just wondered, that’s all.’

‘But it’s not on the cards for the moment, is it?’ Abby said, reaching out for Jake’s hand.

‘Thank Christ for that,’ Dad muttered, and had Mum not whacked him around the back of the head, I’m not sure how many of us would have noticed.

‘What did you say?’ Jake asked, his cheeks turning red.

‘Nothing,’ Dad said.

‘Yeah, you did. Say it again.’

‘I didn’t say anything,’ Dad said.

‘He was just cheeking me,’ Mum lied.

‘I didn’t hear, Jakey,’ Abby whispered. ‘What did he say?’

‘Nothing,’ Jake said. ‘Forget it.’

No doubt retrieving a second-hand telling of The Great Falling Out from his dodgy memory banks, Eirla finally twigged. ‘So!’ he said, clumsily addressing Dan. ‘How did you two meet?’

Dan, aware that the hot-potato task of moving the conversation on had been handed to him, cleared his throat. ‘We met on a hook-up line, if you must know.’

‘A hook-up line,’ Mavaughn said. ‘What’s that?’

‘It’s a premium number you call to meet other like-minded swingers,’ Dan said.

My mother took a sharp intake of breath.

‘Well, fancy that!’ Mavaughn said.

I elbowed Dan in the ribs. ‘He’s kidding you!’ I announced to general relief. ‘We met at one of Ellie Day’s book-signing events. Dan was doing the catering.’

‘Totally true,’ Dan said, and people started to smile. ‘But I like my version better.’

‘I’m reading that right now,’ Mum said. ‘The Ellie Day book. It’s very good. Quite racy, but funny too.’

‘Everyone’s reading that right now,’ I said. ‘And you can forget about opening your Christmas present. Because I can tell that you’re not going to like it.’

‘Oh, you didn’t get me Party Goers, did you?’ Mum asked.

‘She got everyone Party Goers,’ Dan said. ‘I know because I did all the wrapping.’

And though I was annoyed that, just like that, he’d revealed the contents of everyone’s presents, I was so relieved the conversation had moved on that I forgave him.

‘They are signed copies,’ I pointed out.

When we got back to my flat that evening, I’d barely fed Buggles when the phone rang. It was Jake on the other end of the line, so I joked that he must be missing me already.

‘Guess what Dad asked Abby?’ he said, ignoring my little joke and jumping straight in.

‘Erm, I don’t know,’ I said, pulling a face for Dan’s benefit. ‘What did Dad ask Abby?’

‘He asked her if Daniel is a Jewish name,’ Jake said.

‘He didn’t!’

‘He did! He said he didn’t want to make the same mistake twice.’

I laughed weakly. ‘God! And what did poor Abby say to that?’

‘That’s the best bit,’ Jake said. ‘She said . . . What did you say, exactly? Hang on, I’ll put her on and she can tell you herself.’

There were a few clicks and scrapes and then Abby’s voice sounded out. ‘Hello you,’ she said. ‘Long time no see.’

‘Hi, Abs,’ I said. ‘So what did you say to my idiot father?’

‘I said that yes, Daniel can sometimes be a Jewish name, but that so could a lot of other common names, such as Ruth and Jacob! And then I told him that the easiest way to avoid making the same mistake twice was probably not trying to learn the etymology of every single name, but just avoiding making racist or anti-Semitic remarks in general.’

I laughed. ‘Burn, baby! And what did he have to say to that?’

‘He apologised, and said that yes, of course, I was right. And then he said that, to be honest, he doesn’t care if Dan does turn out to be Jewish – he’s just relieved you’re not a dyke. Because apparently, for a while back there, you had him wondering.’

‘Oh God.’