Part of Your World(97)

I narrowed my eyes. “And what do you want? Because I can’t imagine this act of generosity comes without a price.”

He looked at the floor. “All I want is for you to be open to not hating me.” His eyes came back up to mine. “And maybe, in a few months, after I’ve figured out my life a little more, you might have room in your heart to come with me to a few couple’s counseling sessions—not because I did my end of the bargain. Because you want to. Just to see. Because I know you loved me once, and I know I can be better. And I am so scared of losing you.”

I realized then that I recognized the look on his face. I’d just never seen him wear it before. He was being genuine.

I let my hard expression soften a little. “I’ll think about it.”

He smiled gently. “Okay. Thank you.”

I paused a moment. “Thank you for being nice to Daniel that day.”

He looked away from me. “I knew you were seeing someone. I’m not an idiot.” His eyes came back to mine. “But grace costs you nothing. Isn’t that what you said? I figured that’s what you’d want to see from me.”

Something about it made my eyes tear up. It wasn’t that Neil had transcended. It was that in a roundabout way, Daniel had caused it.

Daniel was a ripple on the water. He touched everyone. Even the people he’d never met.

Neil gave me one last lingering look. Then he let himself out. When he opened the door, Bri was standing there, her hand raised to knock. “Neil,” she said, looking surprised. “You in the wrong room? There’s some orphans downstairs. If you hurry you can catch them, tell them Santa isn’t real.”

He ignored the comment, and her dirty look, and left.

Bri came in with two salt-rimmed glasses and a pitcher of something that smelled like pure tequila.

“Margaritas!” she sang. “It’s super strong. I measured the Patrón with my heart.” She kicked the door closed behind her. “So what did Satan want?”

“He wanted to apologize.”

She set the glasses on my nightstand. “Like, actually?”

“I think so.” I sat on the bed. “He’s giving me the house.”

“Really?”

“That’s what he said. Also, my dad put me next to him at dinner tomorrow,” I added.

“Of course he did.” She stuck a finger in her mouth like she was gagging.

She started pouring our drinks. “I wouldn’t put too much stock in that apology. Just so you know, nine out of ten times, people like that don’t actually change. They just learn to be better manipulators, so you think they did, and then they do allll the same shit.”

I nodded. “I know. They don’t always change.” I paused. “But I do believe he wants to.”

She thought about it for a moment and then bobbed her head. “Okay. I’ll give him that much.”

She handed me the pink concoction and plopped on the bed next to me with her own glass. “A toast,” Bri said. “To my soon-to-be-ex-husband. May he get that antibiotic-resistant strain of chlamydia.”

I laughed and we clinked our glasses. Then we took a sip and winced.

“Oh, my God.” I coughed.

“Whooo!” She shook her head, choking. “Wow. My check-liver light just went on.”

I laughed, making a face.

“I think we’ve already had enough.” She took my glass from me and put it on the dresser next to hers before sitting back down.

I lay back on the bed on top of the skirt of my dress, and she lay with me. We both stared at the ceiling, in a cloud of tulle.

“I miss him…” I whispered.

She paused for a long beat. “I know.”

We went quiet for a moment.

“I called him last night. I couldn’t help it. It feels impossible, Bri. How am I going to get through this?”

She turned to look at me. “You know what’s great about Derek and his wife? I’ve been thinking a lot about this.”

“What.”

“There’s nothing in it for him except for her. Your parents hate her. His friends don’t get it. He had to move to Cambodia to be with her. Nothing about their being together is simple. So you know he’s with her because he really loves her. There’s no other explanation.” She looked back at my ceiling fan. “There’s something so peaceful about that, to just hit zero fucks about everything else but the person you love.” She paused. “I wish I had that.”

“I love Daniel more than I’ve ever loved anyone, but it doesn’t make the rest of it disappear.”

“It’s not supposed to make it disappear. It just prioritizes things.”

I shook my head. “I should be happy right now,” I whispered. “I got my house. I got the job I wanted. My parents are off my back. I’m fulfilling my obligation to Royaume. Neil is finally going to be out of my life. I’m going to be able to help thousands of people, save lives, make a difference. And I am absolutely, one hundred percent miserable. I am so unhappy, Bri, I can’t even stand it. If all these things are so wonderful and so important and so meaningful, then why do I feel like this?”

“Because you can’t breathe.”

I lolled my head to look at her. “What?”