Part of Your World(53)

What I had was Neil.

Neil had leveled me up. Dad didn’t like my field, but he dropped his neurosurgery campaign because Derek was there to carry the torch and I landed the chief of surgery. To him, dating Neil was an accomplishment in and of itself. But on my own I wasn’t enough. Especially now.

It occurred to me that Neil would have made a much better Montgomery than I ever did. In fact, right now, I think Dad saw him as a son more than he saw me as a daughter.

In that moment I wished it was the truth—that Neil was Dad’s son and I was just Neil’s ex-girlfriend, some random, unimportant woman who could break up with him and go on with her life. It would have been so easy for the universe to arrange it that way.

But the universe doesn’t care.

Neil breezed in, and I fought down the tears that were welling. There was no way he hadn’t heard us from the other room.

“Cecil! Jennifer!” Neil said, beaming. “Ready to hit the holes?” He swung an invisible club.

I watched Dad light up. He pushed up on his knees and shook Neil’s hand. Then he turned to me. “Alexis, we need to discuss your speech for the hospital’s quasquicentennial. Meet us for lunch at the clubhouse at twelve-thirty.”

I gawked at him. “Wha—no! I’m not having lunch with him!”

Dad pinned me with a glare. “Young lady—”

Neil put a hand on his shoulder. “Ali has a full day today, C. We’ll catch up with her another time,” he said.

I watched Dad immediately give up the crusade. If Neil was fine with it, Dad was fine with it.

The idea of Neil bailing me out of this situation only pissed me off more.

Dad gave me one more disapproving glance. Then he made for the door.

Mom stopped and hugged me. “You know how he is,” she whispered. “He loves you very much and just wants to see you achieve what he knows you’re capable of. I love you, sweetie.” She kissed my cheek, patted my back, and left.

Neil waited behind, and when my parents were too far to hear, he leaned in, his voice low. “He’s under a lot of stress, Ali. Your brother married some trashy pop star and moved out of the country. And he’s taking our separation pretty hard. Go easy on him.”

I blinked at him. “Dad told you about her? He signed an NDA.”

“Of course he told me.” He paused, giving me a look I couldn’t decipher. “Can we talk later? Please?”

I pressed my lips into a line, my breath shaky.

He waited, but I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. Because if I had to speak, I was going to scream.

“I’ll see you tonight,” he said, obviously taking my silence for a yes.

And he left.

The second the door was closed, I lost it. Rage and indignation and hysteria bubbled out of me, and I breathed into my hands.

I hated this. I hated everything.

I hated that Derek left me. I hated that Dad had zero integrity. I hated that I was such a disappointment, that I’d never wanted to be a surgeon, that I found the idea of standing in an operating room for hours on end boring and tedious. I resented the entire culmination of my existence and everything that had led me here. I hated Dr. Charles Montgomery, the very first in my family line to work at Royaume Northwestern. I hated every Montgomery who played into the legacy, strengthening it so that I couldn’t break it, because for all the good it did, all the lives I knew it saved, right now I wished to God it didn’t exist.

But mostly I hated Neil. If he hadn’t turned into such a horrible human being, I might be happy right now. I might have married him, and he would have taken my name and he could have been The One so I didn’t have to. And then everyone would have had what they wanted. Because right now the only way everyone could have what they want was for me to decide to be miserable.

I felt instantly claustrophobic, like the walls of this house were shrink-wrapping around me. I couldn’t breathe.

A primal urge to run pulsed through my body. I bolted for the garage door, and I knew exactly where I was going.

I wanted to see Daniel.

I wanted his muddy dog to jump on me and I wanted to play with a baby goat and I wanted to be in a place with warm, soft furniture and let someone easy and good hold me in a town that asked me for nothing.

I put on the mud boots that I’d left at the garage door and I got in my car without even grabbing my overnight bag.

I listened to Lola’s fourth album the whole way there, cranked up to deafening. She must have been in the same head space as me when she made it because it was very “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette—which was perfect, because it matched my fury.

I didn’t call Daniel to let him know I was coming.

For one, I was a sniveling mess for most of the drive, and I didn’t want to dump on him the second he picked up the phone. I needed to gather myself before I talked to him—or anyone.

But two? I wanted to just show up. I wanted to see if he was alone, see how he responded to me popping in unannounced.

It was irrational and childish. I had no claim on him at all. But he’d said he wasn’t seeing anyone else, and I wanted to catch him in a lie. I almost wanted Daniel to let me down. I had to see if he was who he said he was, if he was honest. If I got there and he had some other woman at his place, at least I’d know who he was now instead of later like I had with Neil.