Our Kind of Cruelty(42)

‘Why were you taken into care?’

I looked over Dr Ellin’s shoulder to the window and told myself I could just turn and walk out. I could have walked out of the whole building. ‘My mother had a problem with alcohol.’

He didn’t say anything, waiting for me to give him more, but I stayed quiet. It was none of his business.

‘Did she ever get violent?’

It’s amazing that people like Lucas Ellin get paid to make such obvious connections. ‘No.’

‘And what about your foster parents? How was your relationship with them?’

‘It was and is great. I was there for Sunday lunch just a few weeks ago.’ I shifted in my chair. ‘Look, I’m not sure what relevance this has to anything. I mean, I lost my temper and I’m sorry; I know I behaved badly.’

Dr Ellin held me with his stare. ‘Have you ever spoken to anyone about your childhood?’

‘Only my girlfriend.’

His eyebrows raised slightly. ‘Oh, you have a girlfriend? Do you live together?’

‘Yes. At least, she’s not living with me at the moment.’

‘You’ve separated?’

‘No, not exactly.’ The chair felt lumpy, like a bad approximation of what it should be.

‘Do you know that how you spoke to Mr Palmer is unacceptable? That you can’t always just say what’s on your mind?’

It was my turn to laugh then. ‘Of course I know that. I was having a bad day and he irritated me, if you must know. A grown man sitting there blubbing.’

Dr Ellin’s fingers were tapping against each other. ‘A grown man who was losing a company he had created, a grown man who felt responsible for all the people who were about to lose their jobs. It’s interesting that you find that show of emotions irritating.’

This felt as close to hell as I ever want to get: sitting in a fake-friendly doctor’s office giving the wrong answers. I knew I needed to find the words that would make him shut up. ‘If you want to know the truth, it had nothing to do with Mr Palmer. My girlfriend had moved out the day before and I was in a bit of a mess. But I’m fine now. We’re fine.’

Dr Ellin relaxed at that. He would, after all, have something tangible to report back to the chairman. ‘And of course being left is particularly hard for you, isn’t it, Mike? I expect it stirs up feelings you would rather forget?’ I would have laughed in his stupid face if the need to get out of his office hadn’t become imperative. So I made do with looking down and nodding. ‘I think you might really benefit from us meeting regularly.’

‘I’m not sure about that.’

‘There are also some pills I could prescribe you, to help you relax. Do you have trouble sleeping?’

‘No. And I don’t need pills.’

But Dr Ellin was already writing something on a pad. ‘There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Half the people in this building are on one type of pill or another.’ He waved the prescription at me and so I leant forward and took it, folding it into the inside pocket of my jacket. ‘And you know, because I am a private doctor this is a totally private meeting. What I mean is that none of this goes on your records, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

I couldn’t really understand what Dr Ellin was trying to say so I didn’t answer.

He looked down at his diary. ‘Shall we do same time next week?’

‘I’ll need to check and let you know.’ I knew I would have to change jobs if sitting with Dr Ellin once a week were to become something I was required to do. To have that moron poke about in my brain and jump to the wrong conclusions with psychology lessons any monkey could learn from a textbook. The only person I trusted in my mind was V. I stood with the impatience of a child, desperate to be anywhere other than where I was. But Dr Ellin was slow with his handshakes and goodbyes and by the time I left it felt like my blood was fizzing.

Kaitlyn happened to be leaving at exactly the same time as me that evening, which I was pretty sure wasn’t a coincidence. I had planned on picking V up, but I couldn’t think of a reason why I wasn’t going home, so fell into line with Kaitlyn. She chatted away on the Tube, about things I cared nothing for, and I stopped listening, instead watching only her mouth as it moved up and down. There were dark, bluey circles around her eyes and she almost looked as if someone had punched her.

‘I made way too much shepherd’s pie last night,’ she said as we emerged on to Clapham High Street. ‘Do you want to come and help finish it off? It is veggie mince though, just to warn you.’

I hesitated and in the moment I saw the sadness in Kaitlyn’s eyes and the desperation not to be rejected. And what was I going home to anyway? I didn’t think I had any food at all in the fridge. ‘OK, thanks,’ I said.

Kaitlyn lived in a flat in a large mansion block which overlooked the common. I could hear the yapping from inside before she’d even put her key in the lock and I thought her neighbours probably hated her. The dog flew at her as soon as the door opened, leaping into her arms and licking her all over her face, which I found disgusting. She pretended to turn away, but I could see she loved it really, even loved the tiny pink tongue flicking over her lips.

‘Sorry it’s a bit of a mess,’ she said incongruously as we went into the sitting room: the flat was as tidy as it could be. ‘Sit down, take off your jacket. I’ll get you a drink.’