Our Kind of Cruelty(35)

‘Yes.’ I had to keep my hands by my side to stop myself from marching over and ripping the photograph from her hands.

‘Very pretty.’

‘Anyway, you wanted the corkscrew.’

She laughed. ‘Sorry, yes.’ We went back into the kitchen where Kaitlyn picked the corkscrew up off the counter. But she didn’t leave. ‘Verity’s not here again then?’

And it all felt too much. The fact that she wasn’t Verity and she was standing in her house talking about her. ‘No.’

‘Do you want to come back with me? Lottie wouldn’t mind. And you have provided the corkscrew.’

‘No, thanks. I’ve got a bit of work to catch up on.’ I motioned to the laptop on the table.

‘Oh come on, Mike. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.’

I tried to smile but it felt like the corners of my mouth were being pulled downwards by some internal magnet.

‘Are you OK?’ Her voice was wonderfully tender. I tried to nod, but it was like the movement dislodged something in my head and I felt my eyes fill terribly with tears. She stepped towards me and put her hand on my arm. ‘Shit, has something happened, Mike?’

‘I don’t really know,’ I said, hearing my voice crack, the allure of actually speaking to another human being about what was in my head too strong to ignore.

‘Sit down.’ She led me towards the table, bringing the wine and two glasses with her. She opened the bottle and poured us both some, sitting down beside me. ‘Now tell me everything.’

I took a gulp of the warm liquid, the very idea of telling Kaitlyn everything too appalling to even consider.

‘It’s Verity, isn’t it? Something’s happened. Have you split up?’

‘No, but we’ve had a row. Or more like a disagreement.’

‘Has she moved out?’

‘Not permanently.’

Kaitlyn sipped at her wine. ‘I thought it was odd how she was never around. What was the disagreement about?’

I tried to sift through everything in my brain to find a way to answer Kaitlyn’s question. ‘Sort of how we should live.’

‘Does she want to get married? Weddings often do that to people.’

I looked up at Kaitlyn, trying to work out what she was talking about and realised she must have meant Verity’s wedding, which I’d told her was her sister’s wedding. My brain was starting to feel like a blender and I reached for the bottle to replenish my glass. ‘No, no. We both want to get married.’

‘Oh.’ Kaitlyn held her eyes on my face. ‘Well, what then?’

‘It’s hard to put into words. I did something when I was in America she’s finding hard to forgive.’

Kaitlyn smiled. ‘Oh right, I get it.’

‘No,’ I said too quickly, ‘I don’t think you do. What I did was irrelevant.’

‘All men say that,’ Kaitlyn said, drinking her wine.

‘No, really, it was nothing. I love Verity. More than anyone. I’d do anything to make it all right again.’

Kaitlyn snorted. ‘God, I’ve heard that before.’ Her tone had hardened and I felt a gap growing between us.

I leant forward with my elbows on the table. ‘I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to put it right.’

I felt Kaitlyn’s hand on my back, warming the space it was touching. ‘Was it your first irrelevance?’

‘God, yes. And I would never do anything like that again.’

She was quiet for a while and her touch felt so good I didn’t want her to stop. ‘You’re not like the other City boys, are you, Mike? I don’t know how women stand them. I hear them lie to their wives every day. It’s disgusting.’

‘I don’t understand why people bother with people they don’t love completely,’ I said into the table.

‘That’s sweet, Mike.’

‘I just have to make it right again.’

She sighed. ‘I guess if you two love each other as much as you say then you’ll work it out. You’ll just have to give her a bit of time.’

Her hand dropped and my back felt so lonely I leant back against the chair. ‘But it’s been so long already.’

‘Maybe you need to make a grand gesture or something then. Show her you really mean it.’ She stood up. ‘You know, sometimes, Mike, what you think you want isn’t what you actually want. Sometimes the thing that makes you really happy is the thing you least expect.’ She paused momentarily. ‘Why don’t you come next door with me? It’ll do you some good.’

I looked up at her. ‘No, thanks, really. I just want to be alone.’ And I did. I wanted to be alone with Kaitlyn’s words because they made perfect sense. V loved a grand gesture and I had been a fool not to think of that myself.

She shrugged. ‘OK, well, the offer’s there. Mind if I take the corkscrew?’

‘No,’ I said, standing up as well. She picked it up off the table and walked to the front door, turning to smile at me as she opened it. She looked like she was going to say something else, but the moment passed and she let herself out, clicking the door behind her.

There was something very comforting about the sounds leaking through my wall from Lottie’s for the rest of the afternoon. Something comforting about knowing Kaitlyn was just there, ready to listen with her wide eyes and pale face. She felt like the sort of person you could really open up to and be yourself with and that was like a release after so long holding myself together and always trying to be one step ahead.