Our Kind of Cruelty(27)

‘Mike,’ she said, ‘how lovely to see you.’

We kissed on both cheeks in that bizarre way people do nowadays, her hat nearly falling off in the process. ‘Hello,’ I said, not remembering her name, even though I knew we’d spent a fair proportion of time together over the years. She’d been for dinner at our flat, with her boyfriend, whose name I also couldn’t remember.

‘You look well,’ she said. ‘Was America good?’

‘Yes, fantastic.’

‘How long have you been back?’

‘Oh, a few months.’ I shifted my weight, my brain still scrabbling for her name.

‘Come over. James would love to say hello.’

I let her lead me over to a group of people, where a man I recognised as James shook me by the hand. The other people in the group looked at me expectantly. ‘You remember Ben and Siobhan, don’t you?’ James said. ‘What did you read again?’

‘Economics.’ I smiled at the people I didn’t recognise.

‘Oh yes,’ James said. ‘We were all English.’

Louise! It came to me finally.

‘What are you doing with yourself now then, Mike?’ James asked.

‘I work in the City. How about you?’

‘Oh, we’re all in the media, in various ghastly forms.’ James laughed, although I could tell he was really pleased with the fact.

‘It’s lovely that you came,’ Louise said. ‘I always think it’s so nice when people remain friends, even after tricky break-ups.’

I looked at her, not entirely sure what she was talking about.

‘Have you met Angus?’ James asked.

‘No, not yet.’ I said.

‘Oh, he’s a top bloke. We went to Dorset with them at Easter and it was a real laugh.’

I looked between the smiling faces and wondered what they were doing. The thought even occurred to me that V had set this up as well. But I couldn’t contemplate that because my mind felt mugged by the thought of Dorset and what that meant. Of the thought of V anywhere other than the house in Kensington, work or Steeple House. It made me feel quite shaky.

‘We should get going,’ I said, looking at my watch again.

‘Oh, there’s hours yet,’ James said. ‘Brides are always late. Louise kept me waiting twenty minutes; I began to think she wasn’t coming.’

Everyone laughed except me. ‘No, there’s only twenty-five minutes. I’m going to get going.’

I waited a few seconds but nobody moved, so I turned and walked away. ‘See you there,’ I heard Louise calling after me.

There were quite a few people at the chapel by the time I arrived, which meant James was wrong and I was right. I told the young boy at the door I was with the bride and was directed to the left-hand side of the chapel, where I sat about five rows back, but near the aisle, so V could see me when she came in. Angus was standing near the front, chatting to another man with a shock of ginger hair. He looked different in the flesh, slightly shorter than I remembered from my brief glimpse of him getting out of the taxi. And maybe also slightly slimmer. He hadn’t made much of an effort with his hair, which still looked too long, and there was a hint of stubble on his face, making him look absurd on his wedding day. He rubbed his hands over his chin and even though he was smiling, his eyes looked nervous.

I thought he seemed unsure as to whether or not V was coming. It was entirely possible they had had a massive row as the day grew closer and she realised what she was doing. It occurred to me that maybe she wanted me to stop the wedding in some way. Maybe I was meant to stand up at that moment when the vicar asks if anyone present knows of any lawful impediment to the marriage. I sat very still for a while, considering this, but in the end I concluded this could not be what was expected of me. V hated scenes; she would especially hate one in front of all her family and friends. No, she had brought me here to bear witness and my role in the destruction of this marriage would be much more subtle.

By the time I looked up the chapel had filled to such an extent that people were standing at the back and the man sitting next to me had his legs pressed right up against mine. There was a clatter of heels on the floor and I turned and saw Suzi rushing in. She was beaming, her face set in an expression of happiness which didn’t look entirely real, especially sitting as it was underneath a large pale yellow hat which did nothing for her complexion. Her dress was the same pale yellow and as she wafted down the aisle I thought she looked like a giant slab of cheese. She caught my eye as she passed; her smile faltered momentarily, but then intensified. She too, I realised, wanted me to bear witness.

The music started and the room fell silent. I could feel V in the entrance to the church, like a wire was attached between us, strengthening and tightening. We all stood and I could see from the rapt expression on Angus’s face that she was beginning her slow walk. I held myself very still, knowing I could move my head and see V in an approximation of what she would wear to our wedding, because of course she would save the best dress for me.

The people opposite were all smiling and exclaiming and there wasn’t much time left, so I turned my head, just at the moment she came level with our pew. She glanced up and our eyes locked for a moment, before she looked away. But I saw the jolt in her. I knew then what it had cost her to put me through this and I wanted in some way to let her know I was OK and I understood.