Our Kind of Cruelty(18)

She slapped me round the face, which made me let go of her legs, and she was gone from the room in an instant, leaving the blanket pooled by the fire. I stood and followed her as quickly as I could, but by the time I reached her door it was locked tight against me. I knocked a few times, but the noise simply echoed round the still house and so I went to the blue room, where I lay fully clothed on top of the sheets.

The next morning V’s door was still locked and so I simply sat outside it, calling through the wood from time to time. Eventually Suzi came up the stairs.

‘I think you should go, Mike,’ she said.

‘I can’t go until V speaks to me,’ I replied.

‘She’s very upset. She doesn’t want to speak to you today.’ Her face was quivering slightly as she spoke and her hands were clasped in front of her. I was aware of the presence of Colin at the foot of the stairs.

‘It’s all a terrible misunderstanding,’ I said.

She frowned. ‘It sounds like a bit more than that.’

‘How do you know?’ I sounded harsher than I meant.

‘I spoke to her last night.’ I couldn’t quite imagine that happening and wondered if Suzi was lying, because V would never tell her about our life. And what had I been doing at the time? Surely I hadn’t slept?

‘Please, if I could just speak to her I’m sure we could work it out.’

Suzi shook her head. ‘I really think you should go now, Mike. See how the land lies in a few days.’

‘But it’s Christmas tomorrow.’

Suzi looked down. ‘I’m sorry, Mike.’

I ordered a taxi to take me back to our flat in London and sat and waited for it on my own in the kitchen. I couldn’t quite believe that V wasn’t going to come down the stairs and ask me to walk round the garden with her. I left her Christmas present, a pair of diamond studs, on the kitchen table and wrote a hurried note on to the Christmas-tree label. ‘I am still your eagle,’ was all I said, all I needed to say.

I looked back as we drove away down the gravel drive, the tyres crunching like a welcome, but the house looked stern and empty and there were no faces at the window.

I could have called Elaine and spent Christmas with her and Barry and whatever kids they had with them at the time, but the thought was simply too awful. Just the thought of the explanations involved was exhausting and besides, I had already sent them lots of expensive gifts from New York, so I felt I had done my duty. Instead I sat in my and V’s empty flat and ate stale bread and cold baked beans because I couldn’t bear to let myself have anything nice. I looked out of the window at fathers pushing new bikes down the road and felt like breaking something.

I called V every hour and sent her too many text messages to count. But she never picked up and never answered. She didn’t come back to our flat between Christmas and New Year and there were no messages telling me what she was doing. We had arranged to spend New Year in New York and I went to the airport on the thirtieth to see if she turned up to catch our flight, but she didn’t show and the plane took off without either of us. I called her from the airport, saying that I hadn’t got on the flight without her, that I could meet her anywhere, but that we mustn’t spend New Year’s apart.

She sent me a text an hour later: I’m not going to see you, Mike.

I went back to our flat and had some flowers sent to Steeple House.

She sent another text that evening: I am not at Mum and Dad’s.

Where are you? I texted back immediately, but she didn’t answer.

I rang Steeple House and Suzi answered. ‘Can I speak to Verity please,’ I said.

‘She’s not here, Mike. I’m afraid she didn’t see the flowers, although I told her about them.’

I tried to keep my voice even. ‘Where is she?’

‘She’s gone away with friends.’

My mind spun at this information. ‘What friends?’

I felt Suzi hesitate. ‘I’m not sure who. Some people she met at work, I think.’

‘She’s gone away with people you don’t know to somewhere you don’t know?’

Suzi coughed. ‘She’s an adult, Mike. She can do what she likes.’

I knew she was lying. ‘Please, Suzi. We have to talk.’

‘I’m sorry, Mike. It’s not up to me. I suppose Verity will contact you when she’s ready.’

‘Yes, but when might that be?’ I asked hopelessly.

‘Sometimes things just run their natural course. You’ve got a good life over there in New York, Mike, and Verity has one here. You were both very young when you met; it’s hardly surprising that things change. That doesn’t have to be scary, you know.’ Her tone was soft and it sounded like the sort of thing mothers told their children. But it made my head feel hot and I put the phone down on the stupid woman because certainly I would have said something unforgivable if I had stayed on the line.

I rang V next and shouted down the line into the echoey silence. I called her a few bad names. I told her she couldn’t just walk away like that. I said we needed each other. I told her again I craved her.

Later that day I received an email:

Mike,

I am changing my number, so there is no point in trying to call me again. Your behaviour has been appalling and I don’t just mean with that girl, I mean in how you told me and how you tried to blame me in some way for what happened. Making money has always been unnaturally important to you, but I went along with it because of your background and all you’ve been through and I could understand how you wanted to create a better life for yourself. But sometimes you scare me and, to be honest, I haven’t felt particularly comfortable in our relationship for some time now. You need to find your own happiness within yourself. I don’t want to be craved; it’s too much. Go back to New York. I won’t be returning to our flat until you have left the country.