Our Kind of Cruelty(11)

Take care,

Love V xx



I read the email many times, until I had absorbed it and let it become part of me. It was impossible not to see the implied meaning behind everything V said. When she said ‘time spun away from me, as usual’, and ‘you know the way she does’, she was clearly asking me to remember how well we knew each other. Even telling me to invite Elaine over was like her laying a hand on my arm, the way she used to do when dispensing advice, letting me know she still had the power to make me do things. And then the line in brackets saying I could bring someone, a line marked out in its ridiculousness. ‘If there is someone’, she had written, knowing full well there never would be anyone apart from her. ‘We both said things we probably shouldn’t have’ was an apology, and ‘meeting Angus has put everything into perspective’ was like telling me that she was using Angus as a way of understanding our relationship. She would ‘love’ to see my house and promised a ‘date’, two cleverly chosen words.

But of course the most significant phrase was ‘still trying to override humans’. We will be masters of our own world, she used to tell me. Don’t worry, Mike, she’d said, I’ll invent a chip that makes you and me cleverer than even the machines and we can ride off into the sunset together while everything else goes to shit. Those words told me that V and I were still on course to do that.

I felt significantly better by the time I looked up and realised dusk was settling over the day. I decided not to reply. We had both shown a tiny part of our hands, keeping most of our cards close to our chests for the fun which lay ahead. The Crave, I felt, had picked up pace.



Everyone at work commented on my lump and for some reason found my walking-into-a-door story hilarious. ‘You were definitely a bit the worse for wear,’ George said with a wink, making me stuff my hands into my pockets. He, as I remembered, had fallen on leaving the pub so there was no way he could have noticed what I was doing. I shut myself in my office, counting down the time until lunch when I could forget it all by concentrating on the weights I would have suspended above my head.

Kaitlyn knocked on my door at midday and I motioned for her to come in, which she did gingerly, which irritated me. ‘Just wondering how the head is?’ she said with a wide smile.

I was genuinely perplexed. ‘Everyone seems very interested in my head. Has no one ever come into work with a bump before?’

She laughed lightly. ‘Well, I can’t think of anyone. And I suppose they just find it amusing because of Friday night.’

‘What about Friday night?’ I asked, leaning forward over my desk.

‘Oh nothing. Just, you know, you were quite drunk. Not that it matters.’

I tried to piece together the events of the evening but I couldn’t remember much until getting off the tube and walking home down my road. Which meant I couldn’t have been that drunk or I’d never have been able to do that.

‘Anyway,’ she said. ‘I hear you live next door to Lottie.’

My mind blanked, but then I remembered. ‘Oh, yes. How do you know that?’

She cocked her head to one side but I could see a blush washing her transparent cheeks. ‘She mentioned it.’

‘Well, yes.’ I just wanted her to leave, but she stayed standing in my doorway.

‘I go round to hers sometimes. Next time I’ll look over the fence and say hi.’

I couldn’t think of many things I would like less. ‘OK.’

She looked at her watch. ‘God, I’m starving. What are you doing for lunch?’

‘Going to the gym.’

She looked at my arms and laughed. ‘Guess you don’t get those by magic. Have fun,’ she said as she left the room.

Since V got her hands on me women have always found me attractive. I never used to notice, but V taught me how to look for the signs. She used to say we should reverse Crave, but I never saw the appeal in that. V sculpted me into what she jokingly called the perfect man and she wasn’t happy until every part of me was as defined as a road map.

If I stood naked in front of you, you could trace every muscle in my body; you can see how I am put together and how I work. And I can’t deny that I enjoy the feeling that gives me; I like the sense of dedication that has gone into creating me.

V would sometimes moan when she touched me, tracing her finger along all my dips and ridges, down shimmering veins and into forests of hair. I’ve done too good a job, she’d say sometimes, you’re like Frankenstein’s monster. You’ll run off and leave me and I’ll regret what I’ve done. And in a way she was right, as the American incident proved. I did become a monster.

The stupid thing was I never found Carly attractive. I didn’t even particularly like her. She chewed gum and spoke with a deep nasal drawl which grated inside my head. She laughed too loudly and wore her skirts too short. She was also unashamed in her pursuit of me. She marked me out like a big game hunter and everyone in the office knew I was her prize.

But I was so fucking lonely over there. I begged V to let me come home all through the first year, but she kept on saying I was doing so well and making a future for us and how important that was to her and how much she loved me for the sacrifice I was making. We were both very busy at work and as the second year progressed we saw each other less and less, although we still Skyped and emailed and texted all the time. V would even sometimes sleep with the computer next to her all night so I could watch her through the day. I’d lock myself in the toilets at work and will myself down the wires and into the bed. Once or twice I even masturbated like that with the computer resting on the back of the toilet and my work colleagues taking a shit next to me.