Our House(71)

‘He will never stay the night in this house,’ Bram said with a ferocity I hadn’t seen in all our years together. ‘I will burn it to the ground before that happens.’

‘Bram, stop this, you’re scaring me.’ We stood face to face, both breathing hard. His eyes were a wild animal’s. I tried again. ‘If we’re going to continue with our arrangement, then I need to know you can be a reasonable, civilized participant in this family.’ But I should have known this remark would rouse the precise opposite.

‘I’m not a “participant”, I’m their fucking father!’

‘Don’t shout,’ I hissed. ‘The neighbours will hear you.’

He tossed the cigarette end into the border. ‘I don’t give a shit who hears me, I don’t want that man anywhere near my kids.’

‘Our kids. And I haven’t even introduced them yet! If you hadn’t caused this scene they wouldn’t have known he was here. This is not Toby’s fault.’ I regretted giving his name, because Bram seized on it at once.

‘Toby, is that what he’s called? What’s his surname?’

I didn’t answer. Distraught though I was, I had the presence of mind to consider that Bram might take it upon himself to pursue Toby at a future time and threaten him. I imagined Toby phoning me and saying, ‘I’m sorry, it’s not working out. I like you, but I’m just not up for this sort of harassment.’

It was just as Polly had warned: Bram hadn’t wanted me himself enough to be faithful to me and yet he couldn’t bear the thought of someone else taking his place. Such dog-in-the-manger instincts were, I knew, typical of marriage breakdown. My mistake had been in believing we weren’t typical.

‘You’re seeing other people as well, I assume?’ I hugged myself as I began to shiver. The cold was numbing the pain in my finger, at least.

‘No one special,’ he muttered, and I saw, to my horror, that he was close to tears.

Was I flattered to see him reduced to this because of his feelings for me? Maybe. But the incident is more important, I think, because it shows how volatile he was becoming, how unpredictable. And, I’m sorry to say, how quick to turn aggressive.

‘Look, you have my word that I’ll only see him at the flat from now on.’

‘The flat,’ he echoed.

‘Yes, which is where you’re going now, right?’ To my relief he began backing away towards the gate, nodding to himself. ‘Don’t do anything stupid,’ I cautioned, which made him stop mid-step and stare at me.

‘I already have,’ he said, and of course I assumed he meant the attack on Toby. He looked so utterly heartbroken that I moved towards him, my fury easing a little.

‘Then don’t do anything else stupid. I’ll talk to the boys in the morning and we’ll see you after work as usual, okay?’

No, I didn’t find out what he’d come to talk about. If anything had been made clear by this dysfunctional scene it was that I was no longer the right person to hear it.

*

In the kitchen, Toby was standing drinking, our tuna steaks cold on their plates. I could see on his left cheekbone a red mark that would deepen to bruising.

‘Are you all right?’ He was composed, civilized, a different species from the wild man I’d just seen off.

‘Are you? You hit your head quite badly. And look at your face. Do you need ice? I’m so, so sorry, Toby. I can’t believe that just happened.’

He pulled me towards him. ‘You don’t have to apologize, Fi.’

His body was flaming, not yet readjusted after the raised temperature of the fight.

‘I do, though. I feel so ashamed.’

He took a step back and regarded me with unusual scrutiny. ‘Are you sure . . . Are you sure you’re over this guy? He obviously doesn’t want you to be, does he? It’s a complicated set-up, I know. You’re still living together but you’re not living together, you’re married but you’re not married . . .’

For the first time, I felt unequal to this, overwhelmed by the experiences I’d accrued these last six months, as if they were stacked, interlocking, on top of me, their weight deadly. Was Bram going to make life impossible for me, after all? Had I made a terrible mistake ‘still living together but not living together’?

I felt a deep, guttural lurch remembering the sensation I’d had when waking in the flat with a man who wasn’t my husband in a bed that should have felt new, separate from my marriage, but that in reality I shared with Bram.

‘I’m sure,’ I said. ‘He’s sure too, he just doesn’t realize it. But when he meets someone himself, he won’t care who I’m with.’

‘I thought you said he’d already started shagging around?’

I flinched at the term. ‘I mean someone he’s really interested in, someone he considers special.’

‘I would question whether he’s capable of recognizing that,’ Toby said with a certain significance to his tone and I wondered what was coming next. I broke the silence myself.

‘Well, he should be capable of recognizing how special his children are. I’ll talk to him tomorrow and make it clear this can never happen again.’

‘If you want my advice, I wouldn’t make a big deal of it,’ Toby said. ‘It was mainly bluster, I’m not injured. He’ll come to his own conclusion that he was out of order.’